12.31.2012

in.the.curve or, alive & well when one should be burnt & scarred

I have theme songs. if 2012 had a theme song, I'd have to pick two by the Avetts: in the curve & tear down the house.

I could have shipwrecked my life this year, & at times I truly thought I had. or circumstances had for me. but God is faithful. "He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes
the Lord his trust." {ps 40.1-4a}

{inthecurve} how I love this song. never thought I'd "get it" like I do now. in a way that if I use words to explain, it will do no good. this was my year. so perfectly describes the months of feb-may. it will not be the theme of this year. I'm grateful to have also "walked from ashes with just a fee scratches..."

"I've never taken this curve
Drivin' this fast before
A glowing stop sign
But both lanes are mine
No seat belts attached to my door

Well my speed meter don't work
So I'm gonna to guess ninety-five
Well maybe I'll fix it
And maybe I won't
It depends on my being alive

Well my bottle of bourbon is gone
It flew away all by itself
So if ever you find it
My photo will go behind it
In memory of me on your shelf

Well it's been raining all day
And it's been raining all night
A slip 'n slide highway
And I'm moving sideways
I'm loose but my steering wheels tight

Well my '63 Ford is a bull
She's four thousand pounds at least
But metal surrenders
When oak trees meet fenders
And engines go through the front seat

Well I lost control in the curve
And a gas line broke in the wreck
I walked from the ashes
With just a few scratches
My crucifix warm on my neck

Well my good Lord was with me tonight
Just ridin' beside me tonight
And now we're just talking
We're hitch hiking walkin'
We'll see you in Concord tonight"

tbc when I have words.

12.26.2012

emails that give strength


Day 35 of 40 Days with Jesus by Sarah Young:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! I am a God of surprises-- infinitely more creative than you can imagine. The universe displays some of My creativity, but there is more-- much more. I am making a new heaven and a new earth. Moreover, I am preparing My people-- all around the world-- to live there with Me in endless ecstasy. Let this eternal perspective strengthen and encourage you.

As you journey along your life-path with Me, refuse to let the past define you or your expectations of what lies ahead. You may feel as if the road you are on is tiresome or even a dead end. That is because you're projecting the past into the future. The road block you are straining to see up ahead is really just an illusion. The future is in My hands, and I can do surprising things with it!

Your gravest danger is giving up: ceasing to believe I can still do wondrous new things in you and your world. Your assignment is to keep moving forward in trusting dependence on Me. Stop focusing on obstacles you might encounter and concentrate on staying in touch with Me. As you continue taking steps of trust, expect the path before you to open up in refreshing newness. I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

'Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea.' Rev. 21:1"

Isaiah 43:18-19
Ephesians 3:20
Psalm 25:4

amen. perfect timing God. when this was first sent to me a few weeks ago i was having problems with email...had i read it then I don't think it would have impacted me as much as it did today. He knows the struggles of our little hearts even when we are unaware of them. amazing!




12.25.2012

.merry christmas.




the sister's artwork. love having artists in the fam!




the real us.


the camera kids

bre & i went on a not so caroling walk
hooray for the Christmas truth that Jesus Christ was born, died to cleanse us, and arose to keep us. the Christmas story is a story of mercy, extravagant love, and real peace. may we live in it all year long, and never forget the wonder & beauty of our Savior!

12.20.2012

night rain

"Sin is Satan’s business because he hates the light and beauty and purity and glory of God. Nothing pleases him more than when creatures distrust and disobey their Maker." piper}

"Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery." (Heb 2:14–15)

lifeisbeautiful whether I see it as such or no. oh if I could grasp the reality of the words above, what peace to my soul! what a well of joy would erupt in my heart...beauty lies in the fact that it IS true. it doesn't change with my capacity to see feel or even believe it. the benefit I receive may be altered by how I relate to truth; but the firm solid truth itself does. not. change. sweet comfort!

truth makes life beautiful. so does rain falling on my roof, the glow of Christmas lights & the patience of family & friends who love you unconditionally. even when you're a hellacious mess.
don't deserve such grace!

12.18.2012

danger

"In the mid-16th century Francis Xavier (1506–1552), a Catholic missionary, wrote to Father Perez of Malacca (today part of Indonesia) about the perils of his mission to China. He said,

'The danger of all dangers would be to lose trust and confidence in the mercy of God. . . To distrust him would be a far more terrible thing than any physical evil which all the enemies of God put together could inflict on us, for without God’s permission neither the devils nor their human ministers could hinder us in the slightest degree.'

The greatest danger a missionary faces is to distrust the mercy of God. If that danger is avoided, then all other dangers lose their sting.

God makes every dagger a scepter in our hand. As J.W. Alexander says, “Each instant of present labor is to be graciously repaid with a million ages of glory.”

Christ escaped the danger of distrust. Therefore God has highly exalted him!"
piper.

help my unbelief. it grows strong the more My thought patterns conform to even positive cultural ways...for the less I think biblically the less I trust. the more I have to understand, the less I humbly take in faith. renew my mind.

12.04.2012

provision&satisfied

God provides.

He truly does.

He's always given me adequate food clothing shelter.
a family that has my back, with 3 pretty tight faithful siblings who never judge.
solid "I know you're not alright it's bro time" besties, who love me in my mess.
a church that taught me to get into the Word & showed me my need for Christ.
an iPhone for free that I wasn't even asking for.

but most importantly.
HiMSELF.
God has given me the greatest gift.
"let not your hearts be troubled..." John 14.1

I know I've posted about this a ridiculous amount of times, but I forget. so often!
I forget what a secure resting place my heart has. I forget what a powerful constant love I have to be my shield. I forget He is the greatest treasure. I forget how _rich_ I am, how satisfying it is when I'm drinking in the King's presence. I forget that His creating me, loving me, rescuing me; (all) endows this ragged orphan with value. I forget Ge doesn't just love me bc He should or has too or wants something back or is obligated too...no He /loves/. [me?!] He actually likes me. he is making me into something beautiful. he wants me to be His---the agonizing death to make a relationship possible where I had destroyed all hope |proves| it.

ohlittledoubting soul.

remember!

12.03.2012

maybe I'm a mustang...


"You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere bright and new..."

I hear ya petty. that's exactly where I belong...

11.28.2012

therapy.

cooking is therapy.

idk why, somehow the chopping, mixing & such calms my heart & settles my mind. Or lets me sort out my thoughts to the rhythmic motions of my hands. maybe that's it. it's the sort of thing i would never, EVER want to do for a living--cannot imagine spending all day or night in a hot stuffy kitchen without windows. blech.

but if its been a hard day or week, i actually like cooking. especially good ole comfort southern food like cornbread. ooohh baby!

so tonight i'm grateful for a little windowless apartment kitchen,
for the mental capacity to use things like stoves & knives without damaging myself,
for motor skills in hands that are healthy and functioning,
for solitude,
mostly for promises.
i'm grateful for a God who has all things planned. for GOOD {romans 8--promise}

for soveriegnty and infinite loving wisdom,
which for me become
peace.

peace becase i dont' have to have anyhthign sorted out. not my thoughts or feelings or plans or desires or situations. its k if i'm confused. its okay if i'm not sure exactly how this is all gonna work out.

there is One who knows.

11.23.2012

ramblish unloading of a months worth of heartpuke

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately.
feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.)

slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart...
i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective.

why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit?
i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake even to myself that i'm happy. i can pretend that general "happy" equals the rich sweet glow of joy...well i can't but i've been trying my darndest. (do i not make NO sense at all?)
but then i get it.
i know why i'm out of sorts, tense, slipping. i know why i am painting my new phoenix-bright self with the ashes of the old grey brittle girl i was for 23 years...

its not so much that i don't see Christ as most beautiful.
its not that He isn't enough.

its that i don't /want/ Him to be enough.

this illogical fear drifts about my mind like smoke; its presence tainting everything but its substance never realized. until now. now it shows its black grimy substance: i am afraid of God being my everything.
which is the stupidest thing ever. because i've lived there and *spoiler alert* it was the best season of my life. its not like this is new here dams.
but still that smoke lingers....
if God is enough. He might be all i ever have.

i might do crazy things. i might live a life about Kingdom building, where He builds through me and the sum of my years only ever seem to amount to one mud brick. He might use my life in such a way that i am spent on others and not myself. i might be weird to my culture AND weird to the christian sub-culture. i might never have a comfort zone. even my best friends don't understand. i may be out-logiced by well-meaning, wiser-than-i counselors and have the uncomfortable position of not being able to agree with them; because i cannot go against the Spirit when He's gently yelling loud n clear.
that's it. aren't i absolutely ridiculous?
i HAVE lived with God as my All. He HAS been enough for me--and yep. i lost things i held dear. but at the same time, i've never ever felt such wild abandon & freedom. such peace and wildly calm joy. (and i never have truly written about it. strange to say.)

when Christ has been my real all in all: i struggled. i cried, i felt. i didn't go through life blissfully protected from pain, discomfort, loneliness or anything hard. but. that was the best version of myself i've been. and the most stable i've been. the sweetest life ever was. i had a glow on the inside that nothing. no person. place. thing. has EVER been able to produce. i had a center completely outside myself. i had peace.joy.belovedness.

i want back there.
and if Christ being my all means He *IS* all? if i have to lose everything i love most?
k. it'll be worth it.
i want life to be sweet. i want Jesus. {forgive me, flood me, capture me, burn me, rid me of myself}.

11.21.2012

tangled//nowords


words are so like a hawk in my chest,
and i try to open the cage
but so often
all the feathers get in the way and he doesnt ever seem
to fly
out
the right way

11.11.2012

thank a veteran and or a soldier today.

seriously.

doesn't matter where you stand politically. doesn't matter what your opinions are on this war or wars in general.  the guys and girls who've come back from living hell deserve a measure of respect and gratitude.

11.08.2012

hi.
i run out of words sometimes.
unless it is heartspeak or something i am passionate about or interested in, i can only say so much.

so a personal opinioin essay where no opinion exisist is killer.

epsecially as i watched machine-gun preacher last night. which really provoked some soul searching and heart thinking. so my heart has been full of different sorts of things all day. and i want to write about haiti and my selfishness in saying i will never ever go back because it is just too much for my heart to bear.

oh help.

i have 30 minutes to get this shit done.
when children are starving lonely beaten etc all over the world. and i am too scared to help them. maybe. i dont know.



aaaaarojgnuognbuionvf

11.07.2012

there will always be sunshine cold fronts & porches...

i was pretty depressed this morning. discouraged about the direction of politics, of life, of the american and world current atmosphere. what is God up too? im wondering if i'm going to see strange things in my lifetime or if its just part of the cycle of ups n downs that have continued throughout all of history. but.
God is the one who holds the nations in His hands, He sets authorities in power. He has a long-term, worldwide plan of redemption that will display HiS glory and culminate in the return of the Warrior-King Christ. He is always working towards that goal. He is my hope. My peace, my assurance.

so. because of all the ^above^ i am *determined* to enjoy today. its not shallow, its okay to wrestle with God in the morning & then choose to delight in little everyday things. or maybe it is, i don't care. life. is. still. beautiful...

*hooray for front porches on second-story apartments--treetops rising above the buildings in front of me are right at eye level; along with glorious shadow-sun-lighted-clouds & the occasional plane leaving streaks in the crisp blue sky. i love being up high.

*FALL. november, finally it feels like my favoritest season of all. cold fronts. oh happiiineeeess, there's a steady wind that makes me think i need a sweater.

*clothes sharing: thank you wesley for owning a bluish shirtdress that begged to be worn with my boots today. p.s. i miss you! (even tho you won't read this in japan as you have better things to do).

*starbucks gift cards from ridiculously generous grandparents.

*said grandparents--how lucky i am that they are alive, well, & care about being part of my life.

*soy vanilla latte. swear it helps me write more psychologically haha

*the opportunity to live with abi. she sharpens me.

*little tinies. ohmygosh. the cutest lil three yr old just rode by (with her mum) and i suddenly remembered that i adore childrens. with-all-of-my-heart.

Psalm 29
Ascribe to the Lord, O heavenly beings,

    ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
 
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
    worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the Lord is over the waters;

    the God of glory thunders,
    the Lord, over many waters.
 
The voice of the Lord is powerful;
    the voice of the Lord is full of majesty.

The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;

    the Lord breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
 
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
    and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the Lord flashes forth flames of fire.

The voice of the Lord shakes the wilderness;
    the Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the Lord makes the deer give birth

    and strips the forests bare,
    and in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

    The Lord sits enthroned as king forever.

May the Lord give strength to his people!
    May the Lord bless his people with peace!

11.03.2012

shattered days **i wrote this the second monday in oct** {and yes i woke up tues am fantastic. go figure}

some days i am fragile.

today it's mostly caused by sleep deprivation, hormones that i can't control & forget to take into account. & school stress...i don't know if everybody has shattered days or if it is just me. (i used to have them rarely, on a small scale. as in my version of "shattered" meant "my heart is a little bruised and i maybe could cry if i tried." ha.ha. funny, you old locked up unfeeling heart self) well. then i went through the whole depression thing last fall- march. jan-april 15 was especially the worst season of my entire life to date. which is ridiculous, because life was grand and really? after all the awful things i've walked through in others' lives? for some reason i fall apart when it's peachy keen. go figure. anway. i told myself every.single.day "you'll get through, this is no big deal it just *feels* like a big deal". i barely made it. i literally focused on getting through day-to-day life. i kinda view april 15 as my day of deliverance. its not that everything was magically transformed. but it was the first day in months where i felt rays of light *inside*. not just fighting to see it. not just believing it existed whether i ever saw it or not. not just counting blessings desperatlly praying God would help me be truly grateful for it all. but a little bit got inside me. like carbonated soda, all sparkly & bubbly. and while i had some horrid days after...it was a steadily growing joy & peace & trust & belief that God poured until june when i suddenly realized i was actually ok. actually going to make it--not in a "oh i know i will b.c God's got me tho i don't see how" but as in "hot damn i LOVE life!! hell yes i'ma make it, and i'ma enjoy this crazy tragic wonderful ride!"ramblish much iiiiiiiick.  anyway. today was a shattered day. which are now pretty intense compared to the old shattered days.
translation:

today my heart is like a champagne flute that got accidently shoved into the tomato soup can box, tossed in the back of a pickup, and driven down blackstill lake road at 55mph. {broken glass everywhere}

surprise surprise.
it's not all tulips & music & bubbles, kids. which i knew--i just hadn't been THiS bad since june so i kinda freaked out a little. got me a little helpless, a little desperate. totally revealed how i've gotten back into "i'm all good now, thanks God for having my back but i think i got this now yeah?" oohh please. no, little tiny stubborn child--you always need Him.

also. perspective:

i'm a new creation in Christ. NEW. NOW. (if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...2 cor 5.17)
buut. i am also still in process, still being made. (are being transformed from one degree of glory to another...2 cor 3.18)

the darkest most awfullest time of my life brought me closer to Jesus in a way few things (there have been  equal seasons) have. He changed me. i was so. very desperate for Him...that it was like transformation on steroids. i was a Phoenix  i felt i was burning & dying--but Christ resurrected a new bird with  functioning wings and better coulours.  i feel like a different person. no--like the person God wanted me to be was covered up with my scribblings-dirt-cracked heart before. but now it's me--who He made me, deeper so. without less of my fakeness & dirt covering. truer brighter cleaner.

all that to say, this being-made-new process isn't over til the day i die. so there might be some pretty shattering awful seasons ahead. i like to think i'll never ever go back to january.
but i might.
hence the loveliness that God really does turn all things for good. if i go through another personal hell, then He's gonna be working intensely in me again. i think anyway. maybe not.
thats not my hope. fruit isn't my hope, beauty from ashes isn't my hope, becoming a better person isnt' my hope. they all may functino ok for a while...but ultimately?
HE (himself) is my HOPE.


10.29.2012

"you know what i need?"
"nope, what?"
"i just need more Jesus. If I had more Jesus, than everything would be ok, really."

true story. in all sincerity.

"For His daily, less noticeable deliverance I want the spirit to {open my eyes} so I can .be thankful. 
For His mighty acts that appear at the eleventh hour, I want {grace} to .trust Him}. 
But these after-the-fact deliverance's? 

I [hardly know] [what] to ask

What if you actually went through your worst nightmare, .what then.? 
/Where was the deliverance?/
 It means that there will be lots of sorrow as we .walk through life., but we {aspire} to know sorrow that is mingled with hope. For subjects of King Jesus, death and tragedy are never the last word
The goodness of our God is certain.

-Edward Welch. {.emphasis. & weird formatting .mine.]

10.25.2012

just sayn'

I'm a desperado, but i'm gonna break my rusty cage and run...any where the wind blows, on the train to San Antone. i'll be a burning ring of fire hotter than a pepper sprout. i'll get rhythm when i get the blues, i'll meet a boy named sue and you will never hear me say "this is the worst trip since i have been born." i'll walk the line to make you mine. and like a bridge over troubled water, i'll lay me down in the streets of Lorado...cause there's something in a sunday that makes a body feel alone...but i'll still love you when you're down and out, even in a field made of stone; i'll smile away the thunder if you love this heart of mine...

i love johnny.
just in case you didn't know...


10.20.2012

october 20

beks is twenty-five... i am so insanely grateful that she was born on this day, 25 years ago. God knew i'd need her! there is so much she has done for me...from drawing out my girly side, teaching me how girls make friends, showing me that dolls and teacups could be fun. we've fought, forgiven, endured and rejoiced together. there's so much i want to write about her...the best friend ever. she's got gorgeous green eyes and swell fashion taste. [now ;)] she hates football, she loves afternoon teas and britishness. she loves God and is learning more and more how to rest in Him and trust Him. she leaves things in His hands where I would think about them and try to figure them out. she loves others faithfully, even when it hurts. she's creative& quirky and a total goofball when i draw it out of her.

but she's in WV and i am here. i am SO VERY proud of her for jumping of a cliff a lil bit. took courage and faith. but maybe we won't write this today. cause then i will miss her like crazy.

watermark-"you'll never know". theme song.

elaphantjuice bekah boo. {heart}

10.19.2012

giving up

is what happens when you delete instead of attach the outline of chapter 11. WhOO DOOOESS that?!
sigh..
maybe the prof won't notice that it says outline for 10 and 11 but only contains 10?
yeah right.
but chapter 11 is ridiculously long...
hmmm. rewrite it, get 10 points and no sleep before work tomorrow?

or screw the points...and crawl into the lovely invention called bed where people actually CLOSE thier itchy eyes and REST.

yep.
callin the latter.

((i think sometimes i forget this isnt' like facebook or twitter and its sposed to be real deepish writings. whatevs. its fine. deal with it. {{ukraine shoutout! lol ))

10.16.2012

who do i fear

"Fear of man is a horrible way to live. It’s absolute bondage. Our idols own us. They own us, they control us, they dictate the directions of our lives and the impulses of our hearts. Our idols get a grip on us and nothing will get a grip harder than this one: the fear of man. It will tell you how to think, it will tell you what to feel, it will tell you how to act, it will tell you what to wear, it will tell you when to laugh, it will tell you what to be… We will use people to make us feel right, to justify our existence, to escape our insecurities and to gain a verdict that we are desperate for [that says we are valuable]. We’re trusting in other people, using them to heal us, validate us, to restore to us our glory. To save us."
— JR Vassar (via modernhepburn)
"The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people and took from them for their daily ration forty shekels of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people. But I did not do so, because of the fear of God." Nehemiah 5.15

been really digging into Nehemiah lately, and today i got back into it. sooo much. so much richness and so very where i am. so very what i need. duh. God's words are living water & sword edge & fire breathing...
there's an awful lot i want to write about this man that had it together. so much that parallels my life right now. so much God's using to convict & shape this heart. but short on time so today i'ma just say:


i want to fear God more than i fear man.
i want GOD's opinion to matter most,
i want His favor.
i want God's opinion to be the FIRST that i seek. more so than my pastors', my parents', my friends', or any other source. not in a arrogant "i don't need counsel" way. but from a "i have to know what GOD says about this for myself" way.
i want to have God's approval.
and i want to value it. i want to know i am walking with Him--and have that be enough.
i want the joy-peace-discernment-courage that comes from seeking Jesus first. aaaww WHY CAN'T I STAY THERE??!! i hit my stride, i start running with Him close and then...
i look away or
get bored or
seek to run by somebody else or
estimate my stride with another's or
get distracted by a lemonade stand...i can't ever seem to stay with Him. despite the fact that "i know of no other lover that would have met me in this place" despite His faithful passionate pursuit.

i don't want to flirt with temptation, checking out the bait on the hook.
i don't want to see how much i can let the world define me and stay safe. 
i don't want to blur my lines and edges and fit in.

Jesus, take my heart. rip these tendons. make me \yours\. and forgive my cringing at the cost of those words, forgive my holding back, forgive my squemishness & distrust of You.

10.09.2012

things my heart adores

from the internet (idr which tmblr)
1. procrastination when there is a test in 5 hours. (ooobviously)

2. finding the beks' instagram online. #socialmediastalker# heh heh. she thought she was getting away...

stolen from beks iphone. but i earned it frying fish so its k.
3. southern-ness: sweet tea/ ya'll/ guns/ trucks/ particularly old trucks with the right (and there are oh so many NOT right) bumper stickers/ friendly folks in small towns/ fishing poles on the dock/ unfriendly old guys in small towns that make me laugh/ bank tellers that talk about first friday on main street & ask why they don't see you there/ azaleas/ dresses & cowboy boots

4. my cowboy boots especially, despite the holes, fraying & gorilla-glue round 4 heels. oh and also especially cooking southern food with best friends or for family then EATiNG it. oh happiest of times for the mouth.

5. writing the world's most awkward sentence structure. ever. (see above)

6. coffee coffee coffee coffee. yet i still fall asleep on my books half the time. (nothing to do with the fact that the other half i am up til 3 and then up again at 7. yea no connection...)

7. "Jesus blood never failed me yet..." and it NEVER ever will. sigh. relief. sweet joy. thank you Lord for MERCiFUL GRACE!!!

8. sunrise + ocean = singing heart, running. splashing. possibly laughter out loud from sheer joy

9. having a loyalty to pro AND college football. because what are the chances they will both have the awfullest season ever? actually...that has happened... but this year at least one of them is 5-0 so far.

10. maybe writing this while stretching in shorts and legwarmers...it feels good guys, doesn't have to look good! ;)

11. sister's cookie skills. and said sister. also unsaid bros.

(( i can't believe football is on the same list as Jesus...actually i can't believe the things that share this list. not ranked in order of importance. in fact this list isn't even equal in compilation...lol i am chaotic mess.))

there. take that complaining heart. boom!


a few hours later, and i hear some awesome news that makes this day better! for #12 see: http://goingforlove.blogspot.com  

10.01.2012

not procrastinating. can't write scientific data w/o unleashing a lil heartspeak*

dude, this cracked me up! (maybe study brain + exhorbitant amounts of coffee, idk. but i lol'd):
Mr. Darcy: hey, I just met you

Mr. Darcy: and this this crazy

Mr. Darcy: but I’m going to act coldly distant to you for a long time, then awkwardly admit my undying love to you and save you from liking a horrible liar and gambler, then propose to you, telling you I love you not for your beauty but for your mind.

Mr. Darcy: so call me maybe.
from: modern hepburn
then this *still* feels like solid truth! :

seriously. when i'm antsy & restless & adhd. when i'm being stupid & emotional (or validly emotional). when i'm thinking hard n sorting something out...that's when i miss dance the most. my body still HAS to move! absolutely has to relieves stress physically. sometimes i feel suffocated, chained, trapped by my own phyisical limitations and the lack of space for whirling about. 

i miss (all of dance). achingly so. silly as it is. i miss the tedium, pain, i'll-never-look-gorgeous-and-that's-the-whole-objective-so-i-hate-this-but-i'ma-try-anyway of pointe--it taught me discipline. i miss the space, physicality, flowing-with-music of lyrical/modern & kendall choreagraphy-it taught me how to let go of control. i miss the strengthening & hard work of barre-it taught me laziness in seemingly insignificant, small areas will always show itself later (learned the hard way-took 7 yrs of dancing to apply myself 100% in barre) i miss centre floor-turns being my biggest weakness taught me that practice is a must; frustration & failure have to be mentally overcome. i miss the agonizing slowness that became victory of leg & balance work-(whatsitcalled?) taught me patience & mind over matter. oh-one thing i don't miss! i don't miss petite allegro. all that taught me was that my legs get shin splints no matter HOW much i stretch or work out! i miss grande allegro, oh do i miss the flight sensation, speed, powerful grace of it--especially leaps! those rare moments when every.single.part. of body obeyed mind-not a muscle, finger or toe out of place... enabling me to steal a second from gravity...that moment of "hang" was euphoria like nothing else on earth. that taught me God does give natural inclinations; but that doesn't mean "good" comes effortlessly. being "good" takes gifting AND hard work. i miss the comfort, beautiful-hurt & relaxation of real, lengthy stretching--that taught me to breathe.

mostly i miss the dancing my heart out on my own; the freedom, vulnerability & raw honesty before my God that i learned first via dancing.

i've learned to get my heart out in writing instead--that freedom to pour out my heart before Him & not shrink from exposing to myself all its ugliness has transferred to pen or voice. i'm learning to attempt verbal expression of what's *really* going on in my heart-head to the people closest...but dang i still think some days life would be easier if i could dance it out! i miss the constancy of it. i miss the relief of dancing my way out of worry into worship. i miss leaving my ish at the studio door. (k that didn't always happen...some of them were part n parcel to it--but i at least got physically exhausted enough or into the music/movement enough to forget them)

i miss the absolute perfect sleep that came after dancing to my limit of physical exhaustion>> then pushing through that for a few more hours, stretching muscles most people didn't even know they had farther than any human body should. (so i've come to find out. i'm still shocked when people can't touch their toes lol)

its all good. i know God's closed that season of life, and i'm alright with it. deep down, i know His ways are higher, better, perfect. if He's written the final words of that chapter, than praise be that He gave me a body capable of it for 13 not-always-but-sometimes-glorious years. He certainly used ballet to shape part of me.
((ps, ssshhh...i'm kinda always going to think of myself as a dancer. its totally illogical, but it shocks me when i have real friends who forget, or don't know b.c we met post-19 that i was a dancer lol. i don't think anybody who's never seen me dance can truly understand all of me.))

9.29.2012

faithful.





these are just a few of my most faves peeps.
they've faithfully had my back. and i am missing a few faces, but i don't have may pics on my lappy.

praying for them today. cause i hate homework. but i love them.
life is made beautiful partly by the people we love, no?
eiagianng. cheeeeeese.

9.23.2012

yes i'm complaining about the gift of education...forgive me

(i loathe papers.)

{(i am so not a fan of writing to specifications...staying [inside boxes] is SO NOT my thing. boundaries? i get the necessity. framework? yes please and thank you. structure? sure, i'll take the help...but super specific page by page instructions? eei;aognauognubuv!! worse than a free hand topic with no direction! at least for this person)}

(((also my perfectionism is intense with writing legit papers...its an evil dragon that must be slain. like right now. i have to follow ever single grammar rule. comma or no comma? is that a run on or does it break up the monotony of short statements? uuugh. its like slavery--every sentence has to be constructed the best possible way. every word has to be purposeful and work towards conveying whatever idea it's meant to efficiently, interestingly, accurately. oh. dear. HELP. as in if somebody who read this blog read a paper i wrote, they wouldn't believe i wrote it lol. that's why i take great delight in writing however the helium i want to here. cause otherwise my pen is in a straight-jacket...that's why my high school english teacher thought i had a very smooth style of prose and to this day thinks i should be a writer: because i spend 2 hours making one page .perfect. strange, isn't it.)))

 who will deliver me from this body of death???

lol. grateful for the gift of laughing at one's self! :)

thank you Jesus for the gift of education. thank you for revealing my pride and perfectionistness that still reigns in this area. thank you that i am not an english major. thank you that i can ask You for help in silly little things like papers. thank you that even if i am your needy-est little, You love my helplessness. You created me to be especially prone to it, after all...thank You that this is not my life forever. thank you that even if i miserably mess up my GPA, You know i'm working best i can. thank You that ultimately, while i can study for Your glory and seek it...i'm not in control of getting a 4.0 or a 3.7. i am not the one who decides if i do nursing or physician's assistant school... if You want me in medical missions, You're gonna get me there. //pressure//OFF! thank goodness You are creative! and i adore that You're soveriegn, good, all powerful, loving. i adore that You have ordained my every step to this point, that the boundary lines have truly fallen in pleasant places--even at this tiny community college where i am an old freshman. help me always delight in You like a kid!! cause i don't ever want to go back to the hell of living in my own strength.
theend

9.22.2012

beating hearts bleed...only half dead, shut off hearts don't crack.

"mum, i feel like i'm breaking inside...i'm pathetic.
how can my heart hurt so much for somebody else? not over them, for. i can't save them and oh i want too! i feel like i'm breaking inside, i'm aching for lost innocence & scars being made. there are some things once lost we can't ever get back. there are doors opened that don't ever fully re-close. i despise myself b.c they don't think its a big deal. i wish i could show them what i see! i wish they could see how beautiful & precious the gift they're throwing away. it's like God's given the loveliest clothes, & they're stripping them off for rags...these rags won't satisfy! i KNOW temporal pleasure seems so worth it. seems better than the joy of walking close to Jesus-- that often takes sacrifice to keep. but when life tailspins, this isn't gonna be there. joy will. it can save from the darkest pit but not if its traded in for something so cheap. i keep trying tell myself it isn't this drastic. but. it is. i recognize because i came so very close myself. i feel like a total idiot that it affects me so much. this is legit heartbreak! how is it even possible? i didn't know i could hurt this much for somebody that i'm not even in love with. i thought pain cut to the heart only when you lost somebody especially precious, breaking up or death. i didn't know that learning to love with all of me would extend to EVERY relationship... & i keep telling myself i'm wrong. but there's head/emotion/human reason knowledge. & then there's when i know things. spiritually or prophetically, idk. but it has never yet been wrong. i hate this."

mum: "baby. it's not silly, it's not pathetic, it's not over-dramatic. it shows that you love like God does. it's a gift, a sign of your heart; of the work God's done in you. for you not to care, for it not to affect you would be concerning. it's a godly thing!"

"i don't want this gift! why does it feel like the closer i get to God, the more i walk with Him, the more I hurt? i can't stand this. i can't stand loving people like this for the rest of my life; i want my old numb cold dead heart back!"

mum: "no you don't...and yes. it does seem the closer we get to God the more we hurt because the closer we are to Him, the more aligned our hearts and minds are with His."

"but mum...does it really? cause it hurts so much because it should be me. i was SO CLOSE to wrecking my life, and the ONLY reason i didn't is God's grace! you know. you know God literally pulled me off the cliff. if He hadn't come after me, i wouldn't be thriving & happy & so very alive right now. why me? i know He's not responsible for our foolish choices, i know they have free will...but why doesn't He stop them? i know He loves them & i truly believe He will redeem & use this for wonderful good later...but i want to see them thriving now. i want to see the pain avoided...does God's heart break? is He hurting too or am i just being a silly little human?"

mum's answer here being quite long, very biblical and good. but here is the part i'm a remember forever.
..."yes. God's heart does break--Jesus wept. He wept when He was about to raise a man from the dead! Sin is disgusting to God, & He is sovereign; but His heart breaks for us..."

God's heart breaks. so hard for me to fathom. cause i'm afraid its like...making Him seem passive or weak or not powerful. I'm afraid it minimizes His justice & purity & perfect Goodness.
but love is powerful, not weak.
how God's heart can break and yet that not contradict everything else i know about Him is something He hasn't shown me on a mental/theological/doctrinal level yet.
but He is certainly teaching my heart to trust Him.
so i'll have to be ok with not understanding for now.

i know this is inconclusive & nonsensical but it's just getting some stuff off my chest. maybe now i can write that 7 page paper...


9.15.2012

go Gators!!

i don't have time or words today so. found this the other day...heck yes! lets beat tennessee boys, make me proud please?

thank you Jesus for brothers, friends like brothers, besties, football, & YOU. mostly i need so much more of You.
amin. (ameen? phonetic spelling...)

9.12.2012

(breathing via ink) settle in. prob be interrupting myself, rambling, general messiness

my wrist thinks it's 65 tonight. obviously not a fan of holding pens, or it wouldn't be complaining so much. ((sometimes i'm afraid all the writing i've done since i was a kid in those 25 journals-no i didn't keep all of them-is gonna cause arthritis at age 30 haha)) so i'ma be typing my heart out. cause man, the hawk is creating chaos flying around in this chest of mine! keeps bumping into bones n tendons, won't let me sleep.
it needs to breathe..
...idk i just need release, in a good way.
i'm not sure where this is going.
*silence*

sigh.
never have words when my heart is most fully alive...the deeper i'm feeling-being; the quieter-stiller i get.

God did something tonight.
ugh. really? that's what we're going to say? ... i feel it, but i don't have words for it. something happened in my heart that i don't understand. i don't even know what the "something" is. i just know His hand was there.
so i'll write about everything else. cause i gotta express something!!
class was cancelled but i didn't know til i got there. i planned Jesus time today but put it off. (i do that often. sometimes i'd rather just live in my own strength, cause i don't wanna deal w/ mess. my head/heart get pretty tangled up & the collision of humanity//Divinity is not the simplest of processes. idk if that's just my 6yr old-ness, or my raw honesty, or cause i'm one of His more passionate kids...but there it is. i'll avoid meeting Him b.c i forget getting through mess results in such peace-freedom) i had bible n notebook in my backpack so headed to the lake. took a long walk, then settled in on my dock. oh beauty! choppy deepest blue waves, a sailboat, sun not-quite-setting...Jesus thank you for making Creation so lovely. thank you for allowing it to sing to me. anyway that dock. i swear, it's become part of me. i started going for Jesus time a few years back, and there was a season i spent a few hours every thursday. that wood has seen every stage of my walk with God the past (3) yrs: tears, anger, laughter, stillness, love. i go when i'm overwhelmed, when i need an answer. when i know i'ma cry and don't want anybody to see my heart bleed all over my face. when i'm overjoyed, exultant and can't worship enough. when i'm fighting, when i'm victorious. it knows more about my relationships with friends n family than anybody. in may it saw me with a lighter instead of a bible, but God cut that season short. if those boards could talk, the insight they'd have on me! i wish i could get them to share...i could be such a better version of me lol. wish they could tell me where i'm stubborn & make it harder on myself, vs which wrestlings are God-sent to make me stronger...enough blathering about a dock.



and i just keep hitting the enter key...


hmm.

i'm not the happiest i've ever been. but i'm not sure i've ever held life so dear, & i believe i'm the most joyful i have ever been. i'm not the most in love with Jesus i've ever been--at least not in "emotions" or "feeling"...but He owns all of my heart in a way He didn't til 6 months ago. i'm the most free i've ever been. i'm not the neatest cleanest or best version of myself. but i'm comfortable in my skin. i'm convinced Jesus is NEVER giving up on me. i'm convinced He's got crazy wonderful terrifying hard bigger-than-my-imagination (and lemme remind you that's intense) plans. i believe He is going to take me through visions that began with an attraction to medical field & missions going back as long as i can remember, and have burned in my chest since age 14. 10 years is short in terms of visions. but long when you're only 24.

all my life, people have said i'm "different". i've had people who seem to accurately hear from God on a lot of things tell me i was made "different" "unbreakable" "resilient" for His purposes. that was cool in the defiantly proud years of highschool. but then it got a little frightening as i started living real life. been several years since it has scared me more than thrilled me, as i am rather small and only brave about foolish things. *rabbit trail: people mistake toughness for bravery. why? the courageous are the humble. people who know their smallness n have healthy fear BUT step forth in total assurance that God is their confidence--"unquenchable optimism", like i used to see in a friend. i've prayed for it and it hasn't shown up yet...but God's been shaving the tough callouses off me for a few years now so. maybe He will instill some real bravery in this heart! *end of rabbit trail
but now i think they're right. i'll embrace it. i have to fly, i can't cripple n suffocate myself. i'm stepping into what He wants me to be. oh Jesus have YOUR way! i want so badly to be all You've created me to be...but my flesh n humanity equally want a nice safe american life with a ranch a man and 5 kids lol. which isn't bad to want, i know; but right now that would be settling. taking the easy way out.
so. i cant' do this on my own. but if You're with me...
i'll be your prophetess. i'll speak Your words when it makes me look crazy, when it costs friendship or approval. i'll go when You call & it means leaving behind pieces of me. i'll stay when You stay & i'm restless. if You keep my heart alive, i won't let it grow cynical, cold or numb. i'll love like You love me--i'll bleed and be changed by love. i'll stay when everybody else jumps ship. i'll think the best when it hurts. i'll fight when it feels pointless, i'll lay down my sword if You'll be my shield. i'll rest when i'm weary. i'll look weak. i'll bare my frailty...
i just want to see You n love You.
be my everything? You are the richest treasure. and i have You. oh let it sink in!
so much i could say
but i'm all outta words.
theme song:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

...

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.


Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.


High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

9.08.2012

saturdays home = fave

* 1 john 3.13-24 just a lil taste:
"Do not be *surprised*, brothers that the world -hates you-. We know that we *have passed* OUT of (death) }into} LiFE, because we love the brothers...By this we know love, that [Christ] laid down his life for us !!!... By this we shall KNOW that we are *of the TRUTH* & REASSURE our heart before Him; for whenever (our heart) condemns us, God is GREATER than our (heart), and He *knows* EVERYTHiNG...we have CONFiDENCE before God...whoever KEEPS His commandments ABiDES in God, & God is in him..." {make you want to sing anyone?!

*country music eric church's voice. miranda lambert's fierceness. jason aldean's lyrics. mmhm, keepin me tied to my room so i keep working

*saturdays off LOVE fam breakfast- chores- homeness w the people dearest to my heart

*free coffee starbucks kid: "i think i got this one..." me: um, wait what?!  "no its fine! i even have a giftcard!" "oh well, too bad" and God reminds you its ok to rejoice in little "silly" blessings. He gives those to His kids; and you have to trust He also does for His kids in Ukraine...

*contentment//peace knowing that every.tiniest.detail of your life is in HiS hands. actually RESTiNG in it...making peace with the past & getting OFF the merry-go-round. (mum: "sounds like the enemy has you on his merry go round hon, you need to just jump off!")

*freedom to be human def adds to the joy n peace thing my heart's got goin' on

*touchdowns cmon gators, beat those aggies

*susan wilcox very few mums (besides my own!) that i'd wanna hang out with on a friday night, or who would hang out with me til the wee hours of the morning.

*psych class is very short term halle-freaking-lujah!

happy sigh
 life _is_ beautiful.







9.05.2012

rest


not the best quality but love this song.
"every victory, You sing it over me now
Your peace is a melody, You sing it over me..."
truth.

"Behold, it was for my welfare
    that I had (great bitterness);
but in love You have *delivered* my life
    from the pit of destruction,
for You have cast _all_ my sins
    _behind_ Your back."
isaiah 38.17

8.31.2012

Україна (ukraine) has moved}}

since i have the intention of doing many more trips like ukraine in the future, and people always want to hear about stories/pictures etc. i made a blog for them.
i'll be doing my ukraine posts over there: goingforlove.blogspot.com for now there's a slideshow over there.

because my heart needs this space to be free and vent and exhale.
and i can't do that if i keep feeling i need to write about ukraine.
and also
i can't really be sending
ok i don't *want* to be sending
many people to this spot.

((this is where my heart in all its rawness is free to explode with no fear or worry of judgement or assessment. as much as humanly possible i write here as if nobody ever reads it. thanks to the few who do, and still love me! haha. but seriously. everybody needs a _space_ to be freee from feeling [boxed] into society expectations. or church expectations. or conformity in general. just sayin'. rant over.))



8.29.2012

upmost for his highest // aug 4

He took the twelve aside . . . -Luke 18:31 
"Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! Do you say, "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" (Luke 18:31). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.
We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience- all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken into the compelling purpose of God and being made His friends (see 1 Corinthians 1:26-31). God's friendship is with people who know their poverty. He can accomplish nothing with the person who thinks that he is of use to God. As Christians we are not here for our own purpose at all- we are here for the purpose of God, and the two are not the same. We do not know what God's compelling purpose is, but whatever happens, we must maintain our relationship with Him. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship with God, but if something does injure it, we must take the time to make it right again. The most important aspect of Christianity is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That is all God asks us to give our attention to, and it is the one thing that is continually under attack."
(nailed. i have allowed things to injure my relationship with my God; i have demanded to see His purposes in certain situations; i have been too arrogant-proud-stubborn to be used. i've allowed spiritual warfare from ukraine to follow me home--i've given over victory to the enemy when fighting was as easy as declaring "i know Whom i have believed, and that is enough. i don't need to figure anything out, don't need to know His plan to know He is good, always at work on behalf of His children, always saving lost and always working a slooow victory and redemption." thank you Lord, for using oswald to clear my vision. yet again)

8.24.2012

sometimes other people write your heart and you find it by pleasant surprise

i just read this on my friend laura's blog. sssh. i am stealing her words.
this morning i had sunrise at the atlantic. + comrade. to download a bit with somebody who is processing ukraine too in a place where God's glory is so very visually stunning we could not forget about His beauty & goodness & power.
the whole drive home, i was thinking. about how God grows me, how i recognize this cycle. amazing experiance-flames-ashes-rebirth. but my attitude wasn't great. i was thinking "God, can this be enough change for the year? can i just curl up in a corner and You can get my heart where & in whatever shape it needs to be? ..."
laura convicted me. EXACTLY where my heart is! i didn't know how to put it in words {emphasis mine}

And so that's why I refuse to be broken forever.  That's why I refute the lies with the truth.  That's why I stay awake when I want to crawl under the covers.  That's why I welcome in the new even when sometimes I just wish, wish so hard, for the old.  Because I will not let this heart, this life God has given, to dry up and leave me a walking bottle of tears.  I won't do it.  I will hold onto hope.  I won't let things go without being grateful for what they are, what they have been, what they have the possibility of being, what God could and will and can do.  I won't hang onto broken hearted times, rubbing the bronze shiny, just to say I remember how it hurt so much then and how it can still hurt so much now.

I won't stop saying, "Thank you." even if my throat is too closed to get the words out at the time.



"God has dealt graciously with me, 
and... I have (all things, 
more than) enough."
~ Genesis 33:11