3.29.2012

hosea's wife

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. “And in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer will you call me ‘My Baal.’ For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day...I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to Me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord." ((hosea 2.14-20))
***
((my esv notes: "the Lord will meet Isreal at the same place He met with Isreal before...It is the place of repentance. God will take Isreal back into the desert, and begin His work with her all over again..."))

i am hosea's wife. not a new realization, i've always related to isreal in the old testament. the example in hosea especially. anybody reading the last year's writing can see why...the stubborness, the wandering, doubt & unbelief & seeming inability to take God as Who He says He is. the inexplicable returning to chains. (chains are twistedly safer than freedom to those who are scarred broken wreckages).
i am relating to hosea's wife yet again...the Lord has brought me to the desert. wilderness is not pleasant. but this one? there is beauty and joy in the dusty isolation. and this time, it is entirely new. different. yes i am tempted to wander, i am afraid, i doubt promises.
but i am no longer scarred. i am not self-destructive from wounds i cannot bear. no, i am free. {FREE} from what i spent so long denying. free from what, when i was forced to face, oh foolish little girl! what a bloody mess she made, trying to super glue or band-aid or ignore or duct tape...so many failed attempts to heal myself. so much impatience & pretending the work was done. but HE has done what i could not. what none but Jesus ever could. He has done an incredible healing work over the past two and half years. most especially over the past year...the stitching up within the past 4 months has been...insane. you'd expect this to be all caps and exclamations. but ah, the calmness of deep relief! i can't express the gratitude and wholeness i feel loudly. i'm kinda too overwhelmed. feeling it too deeply. (when i am overwhelmed, i go still)
so. back to main point. this new seeing...it's a different place of repentance. a repentance that sees her utter inability to change & instead is learning rest. learning to accept forgiveness. learning to wait on His timing and be sure in His love. brokenness, but in a pure way that mends. its a hurt that releases. i am not who i was a year ago...i am in the midst of intense deconstruction-rereation. hosea's wife. i am her, and she was a whore, yes. but.
she was loved.
she was pursued.
she was found.
restored.
she was made beautiful.
the love of her God gives her worth.
and creates beauty out of wrecks.
astounding.
(shane & shane's "acres of hope" nails it.)

3.27.2012

where i am

"...Unless we get hurt right out of every deception about ourselves, the word of God is not having its way with us. The word of God hurts as no sin can ever hurt, because sin blunts feeling. The question of the Lord intensifies feeling, until to be hurt by Jesus is the most exquisite hurt conceivable. It hurts not only in the natural way but in the profound personal way. The word of the Lord pierces even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, there is no deception left. There is no possibility of being sentimental with the Lord's question; you cannot say nice things when the Lord speaks directly to you, the hurt is too terrific. It is such a hurt that it stings every other concern out of account. There never can be any mistake about the hurt of the Lord's word when it comes to His child; but the point of the hurt is the great point of revelation."

thank you oswald, for so clearly defining my current season of brokenness, repentance, death, and rebirth. after revelation? freedom! every day i am learning more how to walk in victory. every day is a new opportunity to live out surrender. to allow HIS strength to rule in heart, mind, body. every day, when i write attributes/verses/words on my arm i can look at them as the old me, seeing them as weapons with which SHE keeps faith. OR. the being-made new me can see them as her shield. as the reminder that there is One fighting FOR her if she will only ask. look. and expect rescue. rescue from not only circumstance & warfare but the destructiveness within herself.
HE is overcoming.

3.26.2012

march, how i love thee

March is my second fave month. for lotsa reasons...

*TULiPS are everywhere. my boss has a vase of gorgeous red ones in her house, cause God knows i can't afford em this year so He provided a way for me to enjoy them anyway ;)

*its windy! the sun is warm, still a chance for cold snaps, and the wind picks up

*st paddy's day. um, hello, obvious much?

*swell for road trips

*the sky is in between winter blue/summer blue

*venus, mars and neptune are all visible (i can find em without a smart phone app, boom lol)

*uhmazing beach weather...the ocean is wild in march LOVE it

*spring break = more fun time with my girls at work, less time doing boring work

*but mostly i just love it, bc i always have. i'm quirky like that

3.21.2012

theme song

*this* coulda been the theme song of February, but i didn't find it til two weeks ago.
so it's the theme song of this season.
i get that i live on my own, i get that God's breaking me of that, i get it has to hurt. i get that everything since october is a result of living in unbelief by my own strength. but i've seen it, i am free. i have victory in Christ! now how to walk in it...
that's what i don't get. and its not something i can just figure out and apply; because that has been modus operandi--me doing. no more of that...so...how does this work? yeah. i don't get how to live abiding and resting and relying on HIM yet. i don't have the slightest comprehension of trust, reliance...i don't know what that looks like. but HE is teaching me, ever so much more patiently than i am learning. i am finally willing. pretty confident His leadership is astoundingly good. so therefore confident there will come a day when i walk through everyday life relying on Him first. there will be a day when its not such a battle. when its a temptation to go back to being strong, sure, but only that. not finding out i have been at 3 in the afternoon. He gives us the desires of our hearts! my deepest desire these days, is to rest in Him. trust Him fully. rely on Him. cause THAT is when i have joy & peace untouchable by circumstance & emotion & physical state of health.
i can't wait! to no longer be this proud stubborn stronger than steel queen of independence girl.
basically, i'm dying.
and this new girl is being born.

its a process. (that is a word i am coming to HATE with passion...lol)

3.17.2012

fhág mé mo chroí anseo...

dearest Eire.
i love this place.
i left my heart here, (^see photo) on the cliffs of moher 2 years ago...
sásta Lá Fhéile Pádraig!
((happy st patrick's day)) its one of my favoritest days! some irishness for you poor souls who are lucky enough to be irish today, but not lucky enough to be irish forever. ;) forgive me for the sentimental cheesiness...love has a way of doing that to folks...and i am def in love with Eire.
this one is sickeningly ridiculous...but it says in love with the ocean and God and so hey. that saves it?
what shall i say about the Irish?
The utterly impractical, never predictable,
Sometimes irascible, quite inexplicable, Irish.Strange blend of shyness,
pride and conceit,
And stubborn refusal to bow in defeat.
He's spoiling and ready to argue and fight,
Yet the smile of a child
fills his soul with delight.
His eyes are the quickest to well up with tears,
Yet his strength is the strongest
to banish your fears.
His hate is as fierce as his devotion is grand,
And there is no middle ground
on which he will stand.
He's wild and he's gentle,
he's good and he's bad.
He's proud and he's humble,
he's happy and sad.
He's in love with the ocean,
the earth and the skies,
He's enamoured with beauty wherever it lies.
He's victor and victim, a star and a clod,
But mostly he's Irish—
in love with his God.

“I believe in the sun when it's not shining, I believe in love even when I feel it not, I believe in God even when he is silent.”

"A family of Irish birth will argue and fight,
but let a shout come from without,
and see them all unite."

i cannot find the quote about how an irishman will answer even a yes or no question with an explanatory sentence. but there is one! it explains me eh?

the irish on trying to change a stubborn person's mind:
You might as well be whistling jigs to a milestone.
on very bad music:
Aw, that's the tune the old cow died of.
of bad aim in shooting
He wouldn't hit a hole in a ladder.
of an impish child
That one suffers from a double dose of original sin.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

3.16.2012

sweetness

can i just say i love little country-ish simple things?
i find joy in the oddestness.

like drinking out of mason jars.

cue the next life is beautiful post, when time is not quite such an expensive commodity.

3.10.2012

honestly hastily scribbled

I've got something to say It's been one of those days When I'm finding it hard to believe in You I've got something to say I've forgotten how to pray And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I'm alone I've got something to say What was black and white is gray And I'm finding it hard to believe in You I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I'm alone And faith might mean there won't be answers And hope might mean enduring through the night But help me not forget in darkness The things that I believed in light I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I was found, but now I'm lost in the fray

i don't live here. but i have days where this starfield song is where my heart is. i choose to fight to believe. some days i just give up but God doesn't let me stay there long. most days He is right there and i fight. He's got me. reality is not defined by my emotions or the state of my heart. whether i am only tempted by lies or give in to lies, Jesus still has me.
the crux of the matter is, do i want faith? or do i want answers? because they are not the same. we walk by faith, not sight; sometimes choosing faith is turning a blind eye to the logic side of my mind. sometimes having faith means letting go. letting go of wanting reasons, letting go of my heart. means choosing to trust if i never see.
is God REALLY enough for me, or is He only enough when He gives me what I want? not just the petty and silly material things i want...those i can easily live without. the deepest desires, some of them even God-given, that i long to see fulfilled. is God truly enough for me to be satisfied in? yes He wants to bless me, He wants me to bear fruit and enjoy life on earth. but can i love Him, trust Him. have joy if i don't see those things? if i don't have a healthy body or mind. if i never see the ones i love the most well. if i don't see the salvation of the Lord rescue the lost that i love with all my heart. just asking myself. i feel these are questions God is stirring up in me. wanting to root out my desire for control.

the One who is teaching me to walk in victory. He is more gracious than any person. More loving, more steadfast. HE is the one doing the work, He is the one showing me how to live surrendered, and HE is the one with the patience.

3.06.2012

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.

He is like a shrub in the desert...

Blessed is the man who TRUSTS in the LORD,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and DOES NOT FEAR when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and IS NOT ANXIOUS in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
jeremiah 17:5-8

i've trusted in myself.
no.more. please, oh God, help me root it out and trust in YOU ALONE!
but God, the "Father of mercies" (2cor 1) who is "rich in love" (eph1) has better plans for me. He is kind, He is far too kind to allow me to continue in the stubbornness of taking care of myself.
and no matter whether it is all the sin of unbelief and my own fault that i am struggling now; or if there is some physiological cause alongside that; well it really doesn't matter.
it doesn't.
God knows. God redeems us from our mistakes.
Hallelujah.
grace!! how sweet the sound.