3.31.2011

spillage.

ah,words. such a love/hate relationship...necessary evil little things. wish i could survive without the sometimes. okay lots of times. i don't like confining the ideas in my head into letters.
words are supposed to be releasing.
often,
i feel more.
en(caged) by them.
not sure why that is. well let's not lie, i've thought about it. (damn i mean what HAVEN'T i thought about) and i could give multiple reasons why i think they make me feel trapped...but the main purpose in verbally throwing up here is to still my analytical mind.
i just can't keep up with all that God is showing me.
pretty certain that's the point.
i'm not supposed to be trying. not mentally anyway. i don't have to figure anything out, i don't have to understand, i'm just supposed to be faithful.
in everyday.mundane.obediance.
ohhh hooray. doesn't that sound like an adventure...says the heart full of faith.

Oh girl of little faith. where the hell IS your heart? how can your memory be so short? you are not faithful. untrue.

Jesus. He is faithful when i'm not. LOVE JESUS. <<< that's it. the entire point of my existence, if we break it down to basics. Love Jesus dams. serve & prefer others. if the Lord's got your heart...you're good to go!

idk what the hell this will become...

words. not my gifting. sometimes i wish they were. but in reality. i don't want to try hard enough to be understood. i don't want to put forth the effort to confine the ideas in my mind into tiny letters. i don't want to be caged. it seems in order to be understood, i often end up editing my heart out of my words.
and words,
words cage me so often.
not very releasing.
perhaps because it's either all or nothing.
all my thoughts and ramblish with no filter (like this). or formality and perfectly constructed sentences that talk a damn lot. but say nothing.

i am not good at lying. i am very good at cutting my heart out of things, playing the role of elineor "don't you think, in cases such as this, it is better to use one's head?". but if i'm going to go through the effort of putting me into words. and do a good job.
it's going to be raw. what i really think and feel, what i shelve all the time will burst through. and then not only will anybody who reads it know. but i'll probably be surprised myself. i'm an excellent shelver. lots of boxes.

i don't really know what i'm sayin. i'm a redeemed analyzing mess whose creative side has been a little too restrained as of late. and so now is wreaking havoc. probably will regret this tomorrow.
oh well....it was fun.