wild melody

dear little one, i know you feel confused right now. you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, sad, icky, & guilty. i wish i could tell you to share what happened with someone. but i don't know if any adults in your life have the toolkit to handle this. i know you'll carry this day embedded in your body for decades. i can't fix that. i can't stop it from happening in the first place. oh, how i wish i could! so the most important thing i want to tell you is this: what happened was not your fault. look at me baby girl-- you are not dirty, you are not evil, this was not a sin you committed. you didn't want this. but you didn't know how to get out of it without hurting him. it's not your fault that you didn't understand the magnitude of what was happening. this was a yucky moment where you were sinned against. (maybe. i don't know how to classify it really) im sorry the church would spend the next decade of your life pounding into your head that you must ha

*notes scribbled in my phone recently after listening to podcasts about the white supremacy rampant in evangelical christianity*  i think that day i went to the garage and screamed at the sky, i was becoming an atheist. i was desperately pleading with God to show up bc i didn't believe he existed anymore, bc he hadn't met me. bc i could explain every supposed spiritual comfort with science, with delusion. i felt fooled abandoned desolate i was overwhelmed by loss and i didn't have a language or a means of articulating what was happening in my brain. i didn't choose God bc i was so sure He was real. i loudly proclaimed & inked it on my skin that I was choosing him bc i was so afraid he wasn't.  i was so scared, so lost. so i forced it. i thought i could choose to believe and silence all my questions but i couldn't. i truly believe i found God again somehow in ukraine.  but i think what i'm walking through now is the fallout of having really been an agnost