9.22.2012

beating hearts bleed...only half dead, shut off hearts don't crack.

"mum, i feel like i'm breaking inside...i'm pathetic.
how can my heart hurt so much for somebody else? not over them, for. i can't save them and oh i want too! i feel like i'm breaking inside, i'm aching for lost innocence & scars being made. there are some things once lost we can't ever get back. there are doors opened that don't ever fully re-close. i despise myself b.c they don't think its a big deal. i wish i could show them what i see! i wish they could see how beautiful & precious the gift they're throwing away. it's like God's given the loveliest clothes, & they're stripping them off for rags...these rags won't satisfy! i KNOW temporal pleasure seems so worth it. seems better than the joy of walking close to Jesus-- that often takes sacrifice to keep. but when life tailspins, this isn't gonna be there. joy will. it can save from the darkest pit but not if its traded in for something so cheap. i keep trying tell myself it isn't this drastic. but. it is. i recognize because i came so very close myself. i feel like a total idiot that it affects me so much. this is legit heartbreak! how is it even possible? i didn't know i could hurt this much for somebody that i'm not even in love with. i thought pain cut to the heart only when you lost somebody especially precious, breaking up or death. i didn't know that learning to love with all of me would extend to EVERY relationship... & i keep telling myself i'm wrong. but there's head/emotion/human reason knowledge. & then there's when i know things. spiritually or prophetically, idk. but it has never yet been wrong. i hate this."

mum: "baby. it's not silly, it's not pathetic, it's not over-dramatic. it shows that you love like God does. it's a gift, a sign of your heart; of the work God's done in you. for you not to care, for it not to affect you would be concerning. it's a godly thing!"

"i don't want this gift! why does it feel like the closer i get to God, the more i walk with Him, the more I hurt? i can't stand this. i can't stand loving people like this for the rest of my life; i want my old numb cold dead heart back!"

mum: "no you don't...and yes. it does seem the closer we get to God the more we hurt because the closer we are to Him, the more aligned our hearts and minds are with His."

"but mum...does it really? cause it hurts so much because it should be me. i was SO CLOSE to wrecking my life, and the ONLY reason i didn't is God's grace! you know. you know God literally pulled me off the cliff. if He hadn't come after me, i wouldn't be thriving & happy & so very alive right now. why me? i know He's not responsible for our foolish choices, i know they have free will...but why doesn't He stop them? i know He loves them & i truly believe He will redeem & use this for wonderful good later...but i want to see them thriving now. i want to see the pain avoided...does God's heart break? is He hurting too or am i just being a silly little human?"

mum's answer here being quite long, very biblical and good. but here is the part i'm a remember forever.
..."yes. God's heart does break--Jesus wept. He wept when He was about to raise a man from the dead! Sin is disgusting to God, & He is sovereign; but His heart breaks for us..."

God's heart breaks. so hard for me to fathom. cause i'm afraid its like...making Him seem passive or weak or not powerful. I'm afraid it minimizes His justice & purity & perfect Goodness.
but love is powerful, not weak.
how God's heart can break and yet that not contradict everything else i know about Him is something He hasn't shown me on a mental/theological/doctrinal level yet.
but He is certainly teaching my heart to trust Him.
so i'll have to be ok with not understanding for now.

i know this is inconclusive & nonsensical but it's just getting some stuff off my chest. maybe now i can write that 7 page paper...


2 comments:

Abi said...

Oh babe. THANK YOU

damaris said...

idk why you're thanking me...but you're welcome?
prob can't physically join you wed but will def in spirit! phone maybe? idk we'll talk