thank you, Mr. Einuadi

(Nuvole Bianchi by Ludovico Einaudi)

I have a minor obsession with the classical composer Ludovico Enaudi. If famous Italian pianists came to my state, I would pay a lot of money to see him. He writes brilliance & depth & beauty. Certain albums are study music, other albums help me battle insomnia. Certain songs ("Melodia Africana III", "Divenire", "I Giorni") are songs I put on when I desperately need to be still, when it's a struggle to stop and breathe. Others ("Fly", "Una Mattina") make my imagination come alive. I wonder what did he see when he wrote them? Are there stories, colors, moments that inspired them? I see fantastic things when I listen to them, they transport me to my own Narnia.

My favorite will always be Nuvole Bianchi. It's the first song I ever heard of his, years ago (which prompted me to find his music asap) It was played by a fellow student at my sister's piano recital. The entire room stilled as this kid played his heart and soul in front of us, telling a story in emotion instead of plot. I teared up. Yeah, the queen of not feeling...I can't say exactly why.
There is something deep in these notes that strikes a chord in my own heart. For me, it speaks of hope. The kind that comes after deep darkness. Not hope that resounds with victory but the kind that flickers faintly. The kind that is most precious, a hope you shelter in the valley of the shadow of death. Idk here I go rambling...

All I know is I'm so so so grateful for music. For a language that speaks without words. It makes living beautiful.


letter from my future self

dear current (panicky, feeling-like-a-spastic-failure) me,
fight the overwhelm! a year from now-- actually 5 weeks from now when you finish med-surg rotation-- you’ll look back & laugh at all the times (aka now) you thought you couldn't make it. you’ll also laugh at what you thought was difficult. this is the easy part, kiddo. so hang in there. don’t give up on me k? cause I’m excited about psych rotation. I really want to make it there with good grades & good clinical reports intact. we can’t get there if you waste time being scared. so make yet another glass of iced coffee, get those tunes louder, & hit it like it's an adventure.
that’s all.
your future self
((ps. know how people always surprise you by thinking you're strong? maybe you've a little more grit than you can see right now))


 I never meant to wither

I wanted to be tall
Like a fool left the river
And watched my branches fall
Old and thirsty, I longed for the flood
To come back around
To the cactus in the valley
That's about to crumble down

And wipe the mark of sadness from my face
Show me that your love will never change
If my yesterday is a disgrace
Tell me that you still recall my name

So, the storm finally found me
And left me in the dark
In the cloud around me
I don't know where you are
If this whole world goes up in arms
All I can do is stand
And I won't fight for anyone
Until you move my hand

And wipe the mark of madness from my face
Show me that your love will never change
If my yesterday is a disgrace
Tell me that you still recall my name

Oh, here
In the shadow
Here I am
And I need someone by my side
It becomes so
Hard to stand
And I keep trying to dry my eyes
Come and find me
In the valley

cactus in the valley// LIGHTS. 
theme song of the day. 

cause some days are overwhelming, and sometimes you're just dry; and it's ok. it's healthy to look for beauty, it's healthy to find things to be grateful for. but it's not healthy to equate "sad" with "depression" like our culture so often does. it's not human to deny the full spectrum of emotions. sometimes, life is hard & mundane all at once. sometimes our friends are picking up pieces after a shattering. and we share in their grief. it's healthy to admit sadness is part of the fall and part of this earth and not deny it or fake happy. (choosing joy & "happy" are vastly different things ya'll) it's real. our hearts & minds? they're complicated. after all, look at our physical bodies & all the complexity God designed them with...we're created in the image of a mighty, wondrousinfinite God. God--how can we expect our minds & hearts to be simple?