9.29.2012

faithful.





these are just a few of my most faves peeps.
they've faithfully had my back. and i am missing a few faces, but i don't have may pics on my lappy.

praying for them today. cause i hate homework. but i love them.
life is made beautiful partly by the people we love, no?
eiagianng. cheeeeeese.

9.23.2012

yes i'm complaining about the gift of education...forgive me

(i loathe papers.)

{(i am so not a fan of writing to specifications...staying [inside boxes] is SO NOT my thing. boundaries? i get the necessity. framework? yes please and thank you. structure? sure, i'll take the help...but super specific page by page instructions? eei;aognauognubuv!! worse than a free hand topic with no direction! at least for this person)}

(((also my perfectionism is intense with writing legit papers...its an evil dragon that must be slain. like right now. i have to follow ever single grammar rule. comma or no comma? is that a run on or does it break up the monotony of short statements? uuugh. its like slavery--every sentence has to be constructed the best possible way. every word has to be purposeful and work towards conveying whatever idea it's meant to efficiently, interestingly, accurately. oh. dear. HELP. as in if somebody who read this blog read a paper i wrote, they wouldn't believe i wrote it lol. that's why i take great delight in writing however the helium i want to here. cause otherwise my pen is in a straight-jacket...that's why my high school english teacher thought i had a very smooth style of prose and to this day thinks i should be a writer: because i spend 2 hours making one page .perfect. strange, isn't it.)))

 who will deliver me from this body of death???

lol. grateful for the gift of laughing at one's self! :)

thank you Jesus for the gift of education. thank you for revealing my pride and perfectionistness that still reigns in this area. thank you that i am not an english major. thank you that i can ask You for help in silly little things like papers. thank you that even if i am your needy-est little, You love my helplessness. You created me to be especially prone to it, after all...thank You that this is not my life forever. thank you that even if i miserably mess up my GPA, You know i'm working best i can. thank You that ultimately, while i can study for Your glory and seek it...i'm not in control of getting a 4.0 or a 3.7. i am not the one who decides if i do nursing or physician's assistant school... if You want me in medical missions, You're gonna get me there. //pressure//OFF! thank goodness You are creative! and i adore that You're soveriegn, good, all powerful, loving. i adore that You have ordained my every step to this point, that the boundary lines have truly fallen in pleasant places--even at this tiny community college where i am an old freshman. help me always delight in You like a kid!! cause i don't ever want to go back to the hell of living in my own strength.
theend

9.22.2012

beating hearts bleed...only half dead, shut off hearts don't crack.

"mum, i feel like i'm breaking inside...i'm pathetic.
how can my heart hurt so much for somebody else? not over them, for. i can't save them and oh i want too! i feel like i'm breaking inside, i'm aching for lost innocence & scars being made. there are some things once lost we can't ever get back. there are doors opened that don't ever fully re-close. i despise myself b.c they don't think its a big deal. i wish i could show them what i see! i wish they could see how beautiful & precious the gift they're throwing away. it's like God's given the loveliest clothes, & they're stripping them off for rags...these rags won't satisfy! i KNOW temporal pleasure seems so worth it. seems better than the joy of walking close to Jesus-- that often takes sacrifice to keep. but when life tailspins, this isn't gonna be there. joy will. it can save from the darkest pit but not if its traded in for something so cheap. i keep trying tell myself it isn't this drastic. but. it is. i recognize because i came so very close myself. i feel like a total idiot that it affects me so much. this is legit heartbreak! how is it even possible? i didn't know i could hurt this much for somebody that i'm not even in love with. i thought pain cut to the heart only when you lost somebody especially precious, breaking up or death. i didn't know that learning to love with all of me would extend to EVERY relationship... & i keep telling myself i'm wrong. but there's head/emotion/human reason knowledge. & then there's when i know things. spiritually or prophetically, idk. but it has never yet been wrong. i hate this."

mum: "baby. it's not silly, it's not pathetic, it's not over-dramatic. it shows that you love like God does. it's a gift, a sign of your heart; of the work God's done in you. for you not to care, for it not to affect you would be concerning. it's a godly thing!"

"i don't want this gift! why does it feel like the closer i get to God, the more i walk with Him, the more I hurt? i can't stand this. i can't stand loving people like this for the rest of my life; i want my old numb cold dead heart back!"

mum: "no you don't...and yes. it does seem the closer we get to God the more we hurt because the closer we are to Him, the more aligned our hearts and minds are with His."

"but mum...does it really? cause it hurts so much because it should be me. i was SO CLOSE to wrecking my life, and the ONLY reason i didn't is God's grace! you know. you know God literally pulled me off the cliff. if He hadn't come after me, i wouldn't be thriving & happy & so very alive right now. why me? i know He's not responsible for our foolish choices, i know they have free will...but why doesn't He stop them? i know He loves them & i truly believe He will redeem & use this for wonderful good later...but i want to see them thriving now. i want to see the pain avoided...does God's heart break? is He hurting too or am i just being a silly little human?"

mum's answer here being quite long, very biblical and good. but here is the part i'm a remember forever.
..."yes. God's heart does break--Jesus wept. He wept when He was about to raise a man from the dead! Sin is disgusting to God, & He is sovereign; but His heart breaks for us..."

God's heart breaks. so hard for me to fathom. cause i'm afraid its like...making Him seem passive or weak or not powerful. I'm afraid it minimizes His justice & purity & perfect Goodness.
but love is powerful, not weak.
how God's heart can break and yet that not contradict everything else i know about Him is something He hasn't shown me on a mental/theological/doctrinal level yet.
but He is certainly teaching my heart to trust Him.
so i'll have to be ok with not understanding for now.

i know this is inconclusive & nonsensical but it's just getting some stuff off my chest. maybe now i can write that 7 page paper...


9.15.2012

go Gators!!

i don't have time or words today so. found this the other day...heck yes! lets beat tennessee boys, make me proud please?

thank you Jesus for brothers, friends like brothers, besties, football, & YOU. mostly i need so much more of You.
amin. (ameen? phonetic spelling...)

9.12.2012

(breathing via ink) settle in. prob be interrupting myself, rambling, general messiness

my wrist thinks it's 65 tonight. obviously not a fan of holding pens, or it wouldn't be complaining so much. ((sometimes i'm afraid all the writing i've done since i was a kid in those 25 journals-no i didn't keep all of them-is gonna cause arthritis at age 30 haha)) so i'ma be typing my heart out. cause man, the hawk is creating chaos flying around in this chest of mine! keeps bumping into bones n tendons, won't let me sleep.
it needs to breathe..
...idk i just need release, in a good way.
i'm not sure where this is going.
*silence*

sigh.
never have words when my heart is most fully alive...the deeper i'm feeling-being; the quieter-stiller i get.

God did something tonight.
ugh. really? that's what we're going to say? ... i feel it, but i don't have words for it. something happened in my heart that i don't understand. i don't even know what the "something" is. i just know His hand was there.
so i'll write about everything else. cause i gotta express something!!
class was cancelled but i didn't know til i got there. i planned Jesus time today but put it off. (i do that often. sometimes i'd rather just live in my own strength, cause i don't wanna deal w/ mess. my head/heart get pretty tangled up & the collision of humanity//Divinity is not the simplest of processes. idk if that's just my 6yr old-ness, or my raw honesty, or cause i'm one of His more passionate kids...but there it is. i'll avoid meeting Him b.c i forget getting through mess results in such peace-freedom) i had bible n notebook in my backpack so headed to the lake. took a long walk, then settled in on my dock. oh beauty! choppy deepest blue waves, a sailboat, sun not-quite-setting...Jesus thank you for making Creation so lovely. thank you for allowing it to sing to me. anyway that dock. i swear, it's become part of me. i started going for Jesus time a few years back, and there was a season i spent a few hours every thursday. that wood has seen every stage of my walk with God the past (3) yrs: tears, anger, laughter, stillness, love. i go when i'm overwhelmed, when i need an answer. when i know i'ma cry and don't want anybody to see my heart bleed all over my face. when i'm overjoyed, exultant and can't worship enough. when i'm fighting, when i'm victorious. it knows more about my relationships with friends n family than anybody. in may it saw me with a lighter instead of a bible, but God cut that season short. if those boards could talk, the insight they'd have on me! i wish i could get them to share...i could be such a better version of me lol. wish they could tell me where i'm stubborn & make it harder on myself, vs which wrestlings are God-sent to make me stronger...enough blathering about a dock.



and i just keep hitting the enter key...


hmm.

i'm not the happiest i've ever been. but i'm not sure i've ever held life so dear, & i believe i'm the most joyful i have ever been. i'm not the most in love with Jesus i've ever been--at least not in "emotions" or "feeling"...but He owns all of my heart in a way He didn't til 6 months ago. i'm the most free i've ever been. i'm not the neatest cleanest or best version of myself. but i'm comfortable in my skin. i'm convinced Jesus is NEVER giving up on me. i'm convinced He's got crazy wonderful terrifying hard bigger-than-my-imagination (and lemme remind you that's intense) plans. i believe He is going to take me through visions that began with an attraction to medical field & missions going back as long as i can remember, and have burned in my chest since age 14. 10 years is short in terms of visions. but long when you're only 24.

all my life, people have said i'm "different". i've had people who seem to accurately hear from God on a lot of things tell me i was made "different" "unbreakable" "resilient" for His purposes. that was cool in the defiantly proud years of highschool. but then it got a little frightening as i started living real life. been several years since it has scared me more than thrilled me, as i am rather small and only brave about foolish things. *rabbit trail: people mistake toughness for bravery. why? the courageous are the humble. people who know their smallness n have healthy fear BUT step forth in total assurance that God is their confidence--"unquenchable optimism", like i used to see in a friend. i've prayed for it and it hasn't shown up yet...but God's been shaving the tough callouses off me for a few years now so. maybe He will instill some real bravery in this heart! *end of rabbit trail
but now i think they're right. i'll embrace it. i have to fly, i can't cripple n suffocate myself. i'm stepping into what He wants me to be. oh Jesus have YOUR way! i want so badly to be all You've created me to be...but my flesh n humanity equally want a nice safe american life with a ranch a man and 5 kids lol. which isn't bad to want, i know; but right now that would be settling. taking the easy way out.
so. i cant' do this on my own. but if You're with me...
i'll be your prophetess. i'll speak Your words when it makes me look crazy, when it costs friendship or approval. i'll go when You call & it means leaving behind pieces of me. i'll stay when You stay & i'm restless. if You keep my heart alive, i won't let it grow cynical, cold or numb. i'll love like You love me--i'll bleed and be changed by love. i'll stay when everybody else jumps ship. i'll think the best when it hurts. i'll fight when it feels pointless, i'll lay down my sword if You'll be my shield. i'll rest when i'm weary. i'll look weak. i'll bare my frailty...
i just want to see You n love You.
be my everything? You are the richest treasure. and i have You. oh let it sink in!
so much i could say
but i'm all outta words.
theme song:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

...

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.


Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.


High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

9.08.2012

saturdays home = fave

* 1 john 3.13-24 just a lil taste:
"Do not be *surprised*, brothers that the world -hates you-. We know that we *have passed* OUT of (death) }into} LiFE, because we love the brothers...By this we know love, that [Christ] laid down his life for us !!!... By this we shall KNOW that we are *of the TRUTH* & REASSURE our heart before Him; for whenever (our heart) condemns us, God is GREATER than our (heart), and He *knows* EVERYTHiNG...we have CONFiDENCE before God...whoever KEEPS His commandments ABiDES in God, & God is in him..." {make you want to sing anyone?!

*country music eric church's voice. miranda lambert's fierceness. jason aldean's lyrics. mmhm, keepin me tied to my room so i keep working

*saturdays off LOVE fam breakfast- chores- homeness w the people dearest to my heart

*free coffee starbucks kid: "i think i got this one..." me: um, wait what?!  "no its fine! i even have a giftcard!" "oh well, too bad" and God reminds you its ok to rejoice in little "silly" blessings. He gives those to His kids; and you have to trust He also does for His kids in Ukraine...

*contentment//peace knowing that every.tiniest.detail of your life is in HiS hands. actually RESTiNG in it...making peace with the past & getting OFF the merry-go-round. (mum: "sounds like the enemy has you on his merry go round hon, you need to just jump off!")

*freedom to be human def adds to the joy n peace thing my heart's got goin' on

*touchdowns cmon gators, beat those aggies

*susan wilcox very few mums (besides my own!) that i'd wanna hang out with on a friday night, or who would hang out with me til the wee hours of the morning.

*psych class is very short term halle-freaking-lujah!

happy sigh
 life _is_ beautiful.







9.05.2012

rest


not the best quality but love this song.
"every victory, You sing it over me now
Your peace is a melody, You sing it over me..."
truth.

"Behold, it was for my welfare
    that I had (great bitterness);
but in love You have *delivered* my life
    from the pit of destruction,
for You have cast _all_ my sins
    _behind_ Your back."
isaiah 38.17