12.25.2013

christmas

i really have written more positive things recently, but my phone hasnt been posting correctly. the followong is taken from she reads truth: 

[ Had they no friends or family there to take them in? Was there no room in the marketplace or the schools, the temple or the synagogue? Why was this place with the livestock - the crudest of all possible options - the only where they could find room?

Charles Spurgeon had a theory that this was not unusual, that there is very little room in society provided for our Christ. Spurgeon wrote, “There is no space for the Prince of peace but with the humble and contrite spirits which by grace he prepares to yield him shelter.”

Sisters, that’s you. You are where He dwells.

Perhaps you have an objection to this. Spurgeon covers some common ones here:

“‘Well,’ says one, ‘I have room for him, but I am not worthy that he should come to me.’ Ah! I did not ask about worthiness; have you room for him? ‘Oh! but I feel it is a place not at all fit for Christ!’ Nor was the manger a place fit for him, and yet there was he laid. ‘Oh! but I have been such a sinner; I feel as if my heart had been a den of beasts and devils!’ Well, the manger had been a place where beasts had fed. Have you room for him?

“Never mind what the past has been; he can forget and forgive. It mattereth not what even the present state may be if thou mournest it. If thou hast but room for Christ he will come and be thy guest.”

Do you have room for Him, dear Sisters? Oh, how He longs to dwell richly in you. ]

that just spoke to me so beautifully tonight. as the whole idea of advent has spoken richly to me this year: the concept of waiting; of admitting the brokenness of earth & repenting for our hand in it; of rejoicing about the day Christ came to set right the most vital problem we had; & the anticipation that He will come again. death IS dead. but we still face it temporarily.

I find i focus most on what Christmas means for the future & less on the history aspect. then i don't forget that it also means Jesus is coming back. & He didn't set all things right the first time--granted He did THE most needed & important righting by absorbing our earned wrath & giving us opportunity for relationship with God. -but- He is also going to heal & restore ALL things one day. no more broken marriages or relationships. no more abuse. no alcoholism or violence or murder or suffering or sexual identity problems or cancer or death. all of that will cease. 

& it's affects on us will somehow ONLY serve to make Jesus beautiful. shiningly so; His goodness will outweigh all our pain. & how grace will be sweet! 

{{Christmas is hope to me this year}} 

12.11.2013

snapshots // mental fragments








it was a blessed day. God was kind.
I'm grateful I took pictures. (except the pic of us w/ nana is from yesterday but I didn't have a photo of today's visit)
bc right now the silence is whispering & I am desperately trying to fill my mind with lovely to keep it out. 

I'm not good with silence 
right now
because all the quiet
reminds me death is waiting. 

I can't help picturing the book thief character...waiting.
watching us. 
knowing what we don't, being surprised at how unaware we seem.
wondering at the foolish way hope sneaks in on days things seem so much better.

its not like that. i know the gospel. 

damn it. i don't want to mourn the living! i will not grieve while she is yet here for me to hug. pray for. sit with, speak to, laugh with-at...

this is why i avoid silence right now. quiet has a voice, I can hear the wrecked days whispering at the edge of my consciousness. it knows how scared I am. 

but Jesus will be there. 

12.04.2013

apathy hurts in a strange unfeeling way


what do you do, when you know it in your head...but your heart is unresponsive? I don't need preaching-I can probably tell you which book of the bible your fix-it bandaid or your sledgehammer conviction came from. yeah, I've to said it all. i thought hope wouldn't leave me. in all my darkness before, I've had small {sometimes painfully faint} existence of hope within. this time. nada. i fight to believe God is good. a rescuer, restorer of wasted time & making faithful the weary. but my heart stopped. & i never noticed. don't tell me to just believe. I know it's real intellectually...but deeper? I feel like God has done nothing. I KNOW its my perspective! but i can.not open my eyes of faith. so desperately want to remake the choice to always believe His Words no matter what my eyes see. i'd relive the hell of 2012 where I knew He was enough & I knew I treasured Him most over this apathy. my heart is so dead. what good is mental assent? 

something's in the way. perhaps deep rooted things? perhaps not? im the deep overthinking analyzer. but i cant figure myself. i (thought) i conquered bitterness. self-pity, self will, arrogance, unbelief. but apparently i haven't. partly laziness is to blame. but partly, isn't it not supposed to be all about my efforts? oh to find that healthy balance... maybe its fear. I don't know. 
all I know is I'm nowhere near the person I was. I don't care about people. I say I don't have the energy. lame excuse. isn't love a choice? yet true, in feeling. i *feel* a weariness so deep in my bones i can't believe i keep living. i WANT to live! life is a beautiful gift! but how can I enjoy it when just getting out of bed aches?  it's God that my body keeps moving most days. i wonder sometimes if my soul becaming faithless & cowardly saps my physical strength; or if physical weariness came first and has seeped beneath my skin. I pray, but I feel hypocritical praying for others when I'm so numb. 

I know I can't change it myself. I can't fix whatever it is. I tell myself how horrible my apathy is, how disheartening my laziness, how foolish my chasing worldly approval in the guise of fitting in with the majority. 

but I feel nothing. 

I want to be devestated. my sin should shatter me! it does on occasion, but the next day I'm too exhausted to care.

please. God I am waiting on You. help me to keep asking for your grace to smash my heart. don't let me stay cold. don't let me deceive myself. let your Word come to life when I read it; speak to me through the pages.

root out whatever you must. give me back a vivid walk with you? I have absolutely zero passion or motivation for life apart from You. I could care less what I do. where I travel. I don't want to get through school or begin a ministry or move out or stay here. all I want to do is sleep. sleep until I'm free from these tendons & weights & fog. I can't even hurt.

You created me for more than this.

help me. oh help my fatal chronic unbelief!!!!! I don't have to do big things for you. I don't need to be superwoman. I don't have to be seen a spiritual powerhouse. it's ok if nobody knows my warrior's heart, I need it back. to give You my all. in my life. every day. in little ways. I want to keep my sacrifices to myself. and stop seeing so much of my duty as a great sacrifice! ahh God. I just want internal spark. life. 

therapy

I haven't even been looking for beauty in life recently, but Saturday I found some. it was a lovely surprise blessing! bre & i spent the day trail riding. it wasn't the ocean...but there was therapy for my heart in the rhythms & spaces. horses, open fields, forests, even a surprise creek. not bad for Florida! it was so nice to just be. I didn't pray much  or have any deep thoughts; in fact it's the least I've thought in months. but it was stillness. peace.



grateful for that day. we came home to shattering news which had me angry & hurt that night, so in the moment it obliterated the beauty of the day. but that's life. & now I can remember the simple joy of the day untainted. God gave me a gift Saturday.