4.07.2011

luke 8

"We’re not done. It’s gonna be war until we see Jesus upon his return. We will get tired...We will have war on many fronts... We will lack supplies... We will be, like Jesus, just absolutely done. When crisis and need, because of suffering people, show up providentially in front of us, and by the grace of God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we’ll follow in the example of Jesus for the glory of Jesus.

We’ll share the love of Jesus with anyone and everyone until the city is changed. Because the darkness cannot win... the darkness cannot win!! People are suffering, people are dying. And if all you do is watch television, listen to your headphones, surf the Internet, and close your eyes to the suffering and damage of the people that surround us, you will lack the kind of passion that a soldier requires for a long battle."
((mark driscoll. and this is why i listen to him.))

4.04.2011

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine...
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

just had one of "those" days. those days are not bad days. just days when i feel like too many people love me too much. they all want to speak into my life. which i welcome. but it'd be nice to agree to disagree about my life choices occasionally. haha. aahh. gotta love people.
here's the thing.
when i'm blatantly honest, (which is rare. because it leads to even more shooting in love so to speak.) i have to say i'm waiting on the Lord. in SOME sense. but it's not as if i'm at a stand still. not by any means!
it's that awful word
waiting.
think people get this visual of me waiting like i'm in a que. as if i'm in line at the grocery store waiting for the clerk to hand me the directions for my life. or expecting God to speak audibly. or sitting around anticipating the Lord to tell me what to do. as if i'm waiting for my life to start. aimless. no dreams or goals or ambitions.
that is NOTHING like what i mean. not in the slightest tiniest bit. i have more ambitions than i quite kno wwhat to do with. they're just not the loud and flashy kind. nor do i feel a need to announce them all to the world.
waiting probably is a bad word.
in reality:
i know exactly what i want. maybe not all the specs. but my generals have detail.
i have some very strong ideas of how the Lord wants to use my life.
and so far, the two are pretty matched up.
so.
could i be wrong, yep. i'm sure i am. in some ways.
but. when i'm waiting. i mean that the Lord is telling me to chill out. to not keep slamming my shoulder against a shut door. to trust that He's doing the prep work and someday i will get "there." all i do is bruise my shoulder and break my trust when i try to get ahead of Him.

it's kinda like a runner. runners wait for marathons by training. running on tracks & through woods. they have to build endurance, strength; haveta know they want to win. fiercely. so that desire can carry them through the pain to finish well.
i'm not waiting.
i'm training.

i rambled this out with my semi-venting-i'm-not-angry-but-it'd-be-nice-if-they-would-listen-and-actually-HEAR-me playlist in my ears. in the heat of emotion. well actually heat is to strong of a word. anyway messy would be an understatement. to describe this.^
love having an outlet nobody can find. score.

4.01.2011

thinking out loud (definish of ramblish)

sanity resumed. writing itch still goin strong though...kinda has been for a few months. i just scribble until my wrists cramp. seems like waste of time...(since i'm only going to throw it away. or use it as fuel when i want to burn something.) especially since last week. took out all my old pointe shoes and pitched em. whenever i touch on a creative outlet, even an unused one, it's like a trigger point for all the swirlishness inside that i manage to keep still. mostly. it just brews into a hurricane. hurricanes are not fond of being contained. fyi. at least they are not angry storms. i'm not very good at rages. although confession: sometimes i want to be. haha. sometimes i wonder what my fam or the grocery store clerk would do if i just had a hysterical breakdown or manifested a panic attack. for the fun of it. isn't that horrid? but i couldn't ever do it, i'd burst out laughing. plus i am a terrible acting faker. only a good internally-i'm-screaming-but-on-the-surface-i-am-splendid-thank-you faker. omitting lies are just as untruthful as invented lies. as driscoll would say : "when someone comes up to you and asks how you are doing, you can be honest. ‘yesterday was horrible, and today’s worse, and tomorrows gonna be worse still. I know it. I can see it coming…faking it is lying, and lying is SIN!! TELL THE TRUTH!"
was i going somewhere with all that? hhmm...maybe? maybe i'd rather use this space and time a little better...just got back from Jesus-dock time. (fave 2-3hrs every week are my thursday dock times)

so grateful to Jesus for loving me.
no really.
SO EASY to say those words, believe those words, hear those words...and let them mean nothing. not get the weight, not get slammed by the crazy insane mind-blowing truth in them.
kinda like being slammed by reality...
i'm grateful (<
man. yeah. slammed is the word.
then. there are countless little tiny blessings that show love...not getting what i want. having a tiny, usually empty dock for solitude. warm boards, cold breeze, choppy waves. the blessing of being still & quiet. being broke. friends i do NOT deserve, who show me graciousness when i am at my worst. physical quirks that teach me Jesus lessons. darkness, that makes light sweet...crazy goodness is ALL OVER my life. as if the biggest most obvious (my greatest need being met) wasn't enough.
gah. talked myself out of words. and into worship.
should do this everyday!!