no going back.

i was pushed out of my comfort zone on a sunny monday last april. i was stretched, hurt, blessed insanely, grown in a beautiful non-comfortable season. it ended on a cloudy sunday in december, and i thought i'd return to "life as usual, pre-april".

ha. nope.

enter january. enter panic attacks, crying every.single.freaking.day uncontrollably, what the hell is happening to me. enter confusion, people loving& caring for me; waiting to see what's going on with my body & hoping (mostly believing) i'm not crazy. enter knowing God's major at work, but being unable to see how. in fact knowing i'm not sposed to.

that is not exactly stepping out in faith, i know. it's happening to me whether i like it or not.

but its not a comfort zone.

it's destroying my comfort zone so i am forced to jump.

somehow, i know, there is no going back to pre-april normalcy. God has a plan with whatever is going on in me physically. there's a deeper something. when i am healed or fixed and a little better able to function like a normal human being...

i am not going back.

God has plans, and i know. after this, it's going to be time to move. to step out. I have NO idea how, where, what. A big step, a little step. drastic life change forsaking all i know now. life change in a little way. all I do know? it's going to be blind. it's going to take faith and trust i don't have. its not going to be me figuring anything out, or knowing, or planning.

i'm scared. freaking terrified. but that's ok. i'm not there yet. i take one day at a time. no literally. i dont know what i'm going to feel/do/think one hour to the next. i just sing & try to thank God for good times of resting in His love, and the more often times of singing to keep the panic & despair from seeping into my heart.

so yea. this blog post made me cry yesterday:

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/02/why-its-time-to-get-out-of-your-comfort-zone/

at least these parts:

“When God moves us out of our comfort zone —- into places that are way bigger than us, places that are difficult, hard, painful —- that even hurt — this is a gift.

We are being given a gift.

These hard places give us the gift of intimately knowing God — in ways that would never be possible in our comfort zones.”

“How did I end up here?” Sometimes you can’t control whether you get to stay in your comfort zone or not.

When God moves us out of our comfort zone…

When God…

We’re in Christ’s zone when we’re out of our comfort zone.

And the Holy Spirit, our Comforter, comforts us when we step outside our comfort zone. It’s only in the uncomfortable places that we can experience the tenderness of the Comforter.

....

We’re in step with the Holy Spirit when we step out into hard things.

Faith gets out of the boat.

And walking in the Spirit means stepping out to walk the waves and feeling the comfort of His grip.

Isn’t this gift?

Sunday, the pastor preaching to take that step, I look across the sanctuary.

Can you really say that to the girl who doesn’t wear her engagement ring anymore, to the beautiful mother whose husband left and the cancer has come, to the bent widow sitting next to the empty chair? Can you really say that to them, to the world?

That the greatest gift we can ever receive is the gift of losing our earthly security and comfort? So that we can unwrap the intimacy of the Savior and His Heavenly Comfort."

focus

I'm going to share the words of a dear friend. She is a mother of 6 whom I've known for years. I've always loved her and felt she was a "kindred spirit", but we've never been super close. Until recently. For some crazy reason, I find myself blabbering EVERYTHING to her. In total un-damaris fashion! I've called her in tears. I think it is her own humility & transparency that allow me to have no reservations. I'm okay with letting her see just how broken and drowning I am. I AM a mess, no use pretending I'm not. And the Lord has used her mightily. Because she listens, she loves, she speaks truth & asks hard questions about my stubborn heart. He is not speaking to me these days, indeed, His silence is the reason I feel so very crushed. But I've JUST started to see how it isn't so much silence, as a new language. I know how to hear from God. I don't know how to hear Him via people. I don't know how to sift through other's words to hear when He is speaking and when they are. It's a foreign language, and He's teaching me it.

So. here are some words from God's current life preserver:

"Tonight, the only thing that comes to mind right now is this: could you fight to cherish Christ by *choosing* to trust that He is who He says He is? I know you've said several times that you can't. But I know it's your *desire* to trust Him. Can you hush the whispering voices that accuse you that you're not trusting *enough,* by choosing to recount in those times all the attributes that are His? The ones you grew up learning about, and the ones you've seen with your very own eyes? No, I don't believe it's sin when you find yourself despairing. But I wonder if, instead of getting tripped up on how much of a struggle it is to trust, if you'd insist that your soul meditate on His character. Perhaps the recounting of what you know to be true, will turn into you KNOW-ing it's true. I don't know. I've labored over this one paragraph way too long and I fear there's more of me in it than Him. I am going to leave it, just in case. But if I'm way off and this is what you've been TRYing to do all along, say so. And I will keep praying. Well, either way, I will keep praying. :)"

THAT is how i will stay alive. that is how i will not implode. when i cry help my unbelief! and then rehearse the character of God that i want to believe, there is more ease. the despair is the same, but the way i deal with it is different. in not allowing myself to think too much about the despair and in saying NO. this who my God is, even though I don't feel it or see it or trust it right now; I'm choosing too. there is less heaviness.

I'm living in the first verse of Andrew Peterson's "You Came So Close"

"I can no more kill the darkness

Than I can raise the sun

And the sky is cold and black

Like the barrel of a gun

And there is a tremble

In every word I speak

As I balance here on the brink

At the end of my rope

I'm so close, I'm so close, to letting go..."

but. I'm singing and believing in Son of God by starfield.

Son of God

Shaper of the stars

You alone

The dweller of my heart

Mighty King

How beautiful You are, how beautiful

Son of God

The Father's gift to us

You alone

Were broken on the alter of love

Precious Lamb

Our freedom's in Your blood, It's in your blood

Jesus, Oh Holy One

I sing to You

Forgiven

Savior, I'm overcome

With Your great love for me

Son of God

Strength beyond compare

You alone

The darkness cannot bear

Lord of love

Your kindness draws me near, it draws me

Son of God

Prophecy of old

You alone

Redeemer of my soul

Come again

And lead your people home, come lead us home

You are worthy

You are worthy

You are worthy of all my praise

You are beautiful

You are beautiful

I will lift up my hands and sing

focus makes all the difference.

the cry of my heart

TRUST in the LORD with ALL your HEART,
and do not lean on your own understanding.

In ALL your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones...

My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,

for the LORD reproves him whom he LOVES,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

O Father, do this work in me! continue to reveal when i am placing my hope in myself, in circumstances, in others. lead me to repentance, and sing over me louder than the devil's lies of condemnation. thank you that when i come to you, i am forgiven. freely, immediatly, forever! justified by grace. sanctified by grace. please, give me a heart that loves you and rests in your Soveriegn goodness. i need you. i cannot help myself, i cannot make myself rest.

O God, thank you! i believe You are leading me to a sweet place of rest. of trusting, of joy, of peace. oh the thought of peace...

blathering

i'm seeing a bit of my Father's purpose. its heart-wrenchingly good. He's revealing deep-rooted sin. painfully relieving. like poison being drawn out, it's a deep healing that hurts awfully but will be the end of the wound. i absolutely cannot continue in the lies i believe. but i absolutely cannot free myself. He must!

oh! if i come to be fully surrendered, no price is too great! if i come to truly love God, how worth it! if He will take mental assent, intellectual belief & impart it to my halting, self-reliant, security-seeking heart! I need HiM to break strongholds of fear & doubt in my mind. the question of His goodness, can i really trust Him? is a battle i've won in my head. but now it gets to the core of my being. & my heart is unsure of Him whom i have believed.

i don't doubt He has saved me! i have far too many proofs. i've seen Jesus, i've believed His love & loved Him (but poorly). if sure of salvation (my greatest need!) logic says i can be sure of the rest. ah, but God wants more than logical conclusions. He wants faith. news flash: i cannot move truth from head to heart. CANNOT. not in a cop-out, oh hey i'm going to lay around in my sin way. no, my sin is literally killing me & suffocating every good thing in life. i'd do anything to be free but i can't "do" anything. aaahh mental breakdown! it's a process, & my Father has perfect loving timing. HE must do it. that is terrifying, when it should be comforting. someday it will be!

i feel like i'm having spiritual triple bypass surgery. even though i had a dim awareness of these things, i'm seeing the havoc they wreak on me in a greater depth. i see my heart:

*has functionally set itself up as God and defined "goodness".

-which results in taking on responsibility for everything & everyone around me. carrying burdens that are God's. striving with Him. no peace, no rest, no joy.

*is having a crises of faith that only divine intervention will solve.

-i see and repent of a new lie everyday. lies about His character, His glory, etc.

*i live as if i earn everything after salvation.

"you've been working too hard, & God is saying stop! my burden is easy..."

now i believe in justification by faith. NO way i could earn my salvation! never a thought of trying to pay God that debt. but sanctification? that's by damaris. Jesus dies to save me, then everything after is my job. HOW have i not seen this before?!

"Let me ask you only this: did you the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" (gal 3)

He is faithful. He forgives when we repent! i've cast myself on His mercy. now i have to learn to just follow. trust that HE will keep me from slipping back into my old ways. it's like learning to think all over again! sweet sweet news, Christ died for all my sins AND every obedience. ALL the good things I have in Christ? FREE. imparted by God just as salvation. sanctification is HIS work. i just rest. He will do this work. and every work hereafter. He has brought me to the utter end of myself. (well, i've thought that a few times before this lol. i guess when one has a will as stubborn as mine there is an awful lot of levels one must be broken on) but this is surely the most intense yet. i am grateful, for i know. the FREEDOM JOY LIBERTY PEACE & ASSURANCE OF HIS LOVE that He will pour in as a result will be like nothing i've known before. i have prayed and longed for rest, for true peace. i cannot have true peace until i am His.

i will look back on this one day and say, "here is why i know, not just in my head, but in every fiber of myself, that my Jesus is good." & i just had to get that out. but i can't focus on what God is doing in me or i get overwhelmed, overthinking, freak out. i just want to focus on Him. On his LOVE for me. it's all that holds me up right now.

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;

let me never be put to shame;

in your righteousness deliver me!

Incline your ear to me;

rescue me speedily!

Be a rock of refuge for me,

a strong fortress to save me!

For you are my rock and my fortress;

and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;

you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,

for you are my refuge.

Into your hand I commit my spirit;

you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.

I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,

but I trust in the LORD.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,

because you have seen my affliction;

you have known the distress of my soul,

and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;

you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;

my eye is wasted from grief;

my soul and my body also.

For my life is spent with sorrow,

and my years with sighing;

my strength fails because of my iniquity,

and my bones waste away...

But I trust in you, O LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

My times are in your hand;

rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!

Make your face shine on your servant;

save me in your steadfast love!

O LORD, let me not be put to shame,

for I call upon you...

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,

which you have stored up for those who fear you

and worked for those who take refuge in you,

in the sight of the children of mankind!

In the cover of your presence you hide them

from the plots of men;

you store them in your shelter

from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD,

for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me

when I was in a besieged city.

I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”

But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy

when I cried to you for help.

Love the LORD, all you his saints!

The LORD preserves the faithful

but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

Be strong, and let your heart take courage,

all you who wait for the LORD!
((psalm 31.1-10, 14-17a, 19-24))

(hello january)

writing is hard these days.

((honestly, everything is hard these days. not because of trial or tragedy but just mentally. life is work. "these days" being the past week & a half))

i write to be honest. if there is one thing this space is, it's the corner of my world where i don't restrain myself. i let my heart & mind breathe & exhale. i try to preach back to it some truth when it is going it's own wrong way. i hope God makes His work known & seen! yet i know there is much of sin & ugliness here. i don't say all the right things. even though i know them and fight to believe them, it doesn't seem honest to say what i am failing to live. i admit idolatry & doubting faithlessness. oh, but does that not prove how very very faithful He is? that He still loves-saves-keeps this child...i am still under construction. still putting off my nasty old self, and learning how to put on my new loving one. i'm becoming a better reflection of Christ--but all by His work. sometimes I stubbornly resist. anyway.

point being: not much to say, when you are committed to honesty; and unsure of most things.

i am unsure of my mind.

i'm not sure if things i think and feel really ARE the things i think and feel. these days. lol not because i don't know myself, but cause i do; (or thought i did) and often what comes out of my mouth surprises me. i don't feel like me at all.

i'm not sure what's going on with my body or my mind.

not sure what God is doing in my heart. through this.

not sure what is physiological, what is spiritual. not sure how this whole mind-body-soul thing, this being that is physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual called damaris rae wells is supposed to work. fairly sure it is broken. not sure how, where or why. definitely unsure how it will be fixed. a little frightened. a lot unwell.

but.

there are a few things i am still CERTAiN of. what a lovely word, certainty!

God is GOOD. always, better-than-i-can-fathom good. the embodiment of goodness itself.

HE defines goodness. i do not. i can trust His definition to be better than mine.

God is SOVEREIGN. He sees all of me. He knows what is wrong, even if doctors don't. He is my Creator and my Healer. He holds me together. even when i seem to be falling completely apart, He still sustains my soul.

He is FAITHFUL. He will never never never EVER let me go. no matter what. i know Whom i have believed, and i will see His face. not only will i make it, i have a future of purpose and fruitfulness on earth. He does not save a life only to let it be wasted.

He keeps His promises. every prophecy about the Messiah? met. completed. every promise for redemption, healing, salvation? finished with the life-death-resurrection of Jesus Christ. THAT proves that my God keeps His word. every single Word of His is truth. every promise will be kept, and i am now a child of the promise! (romans & hebrews)

those are absolute truths. i am not always sure of them. not mentally, or emotionally. i wonder, i doubt, "how do i know?" but. their existence is not dependent on my belief!! they are true whether i "know" or not. they are as solid, more so even, as the very ground i live on. i fight to be sure. and my soul knows. my heart has absolute faith in the One Who loves it. it doesn't need any further proof. even when i haven't the ability to pray for myself, i have a tiny spark of peace & hope deep down. God has me.

those truths are what i cling to when i feel i'm losing my mind. when i can't think a single coherent thought. when i have no reason to cry, but i'm physically & mentally incapable of self control and so i sob. (feel like an idiot. but i'm too tired to get mad at myself anymore. it doesn't give me any control over my tears lol) "God is good" shines through panic like a deep, even breath. it's strength in my utter helpless weakness. its a steady beam of light that cuts through tempest winds & dark dark rain. that truth alone, is an anchor i can grasp. it keeps me from drowning--i may *feel* like i'm upside down in a kayak in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. but somehow, i know i won't drown. there is a good purpose. i'll be grateful, someday.

i can't see how. but i don't have to.

this will turn out for my deliverance.

hope

"in your offspring shall all the nations of the earth be blessed..."

((God's promise to Abraham in Genesis 22))

“Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD:

though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red like crimson,

they shall become like wool."

((isaiah 1.18))

In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, to a virgin betrothed to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin's name was Mary. And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!” But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

(luke 2)

The LORD saw it, and it displeased him

that there was no justice.

He saw that there was no man,

and wondered that there was no one to intercede;

then his own arm brought him salvation,

and his righteousness upheld him.

He put on righteousness as a breastplate,

and a helmet of salvation on his head;

he put on garments of vengeance for clothing,

and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak...And a Redeemer will come to Zion,

to those in Jacob who turn from transgression,” declares the LORD.

(isaiah 59)

And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read. And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.”

And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. And he began to say to them, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.”

((luke 4))

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows, yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

(isaiah 53)

that's what christmas is all about. the cross and ressurrection too of course! but these are the passages i have been drawn too. i've been meditating often this holiday season on the mystery and truth that Jesus is mine. i have the greatest treasure! a treasure so grand, vast, majestic; my mind cannot begin to grasp its worth. Jesus. He is my all in all. my Redeemer, He who paid the debt i earned & my Ransom. my Messiah. He who sets me free! Who breaks my bonds apart again and again. my Healer. my Wonderful Counselor and Comfort. my Compassionate High Priest, who intercedes before the throne of grace. my Joy. the Lover of my soul, who woos me back when i wander. Faithful One, Promise-keeper.

i have ALL i need! i don't always believe this <<. i think that i lack. i forget to find my satisfaction in Him. i feel needs real and unreal, & i don't run to Him to be the source or provide or show me where that need is uneeded or met. i am faithless. but, HE is not. He always meets me, saves me, frees me with love. He is my source for all delight!! even His amazingly good gifts are meant to point me back to the One who is better than anything and anyone earthly. My God embodies goodness.

oh to believe this more fully!