5.27.2011

oohhh weariness.

This sermon. is killer. at least for me. because it nails me. i'm a burnt out, too busy unfruitful reactor. who doesn't know where the hell she will find an entire day, or a place, for some refrest time. to seriously look at her life and start living more intentionally. it's something i KNOW i have to do about every year and haven't in a while.
i'm tired.
actually, i'm exhausted. depleted. drained. beyond empty. no matter how much time i spend in the Word. it never feels like enough. i never feel quite full. i feel like i'm so spent, so parched, i can't ever absorb enough rain.
can i get an iv of Jesus? oh wait, i have one...
i'm sure i'm just being self-sufficient and the Holy Spirit ALWAYS gives grace!
but i just wanted to admit that i feel (done)
i feel like i need 8 days of solitude, rest, vacation. somewhere without internet, where my phone doesn't work. with worship music & my bible & my brain to think & plan my life to be the most fruitful...after the first 5 days of just sleeping! haha.
but since a restful vacay isn't really on the books, well, i must not need it.
i know truth. i'm totally fine, i get to practice dependance, all that stuff.
just kinda wanted to admit how i actually feel without all the correct stuff.
idk if that's good or bad.
ha. i dont't really care either. Jesus LOVES me. YES!!

5.20.2011

perfect love casts out fear

"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4.18
"Nothing can separate me from the love of God.*
NOTHING. EVER.
Christ Jesus, my Savior, has redeemed me. has set me free from my sin. sin is no longer my slave master. no longer divides me from God.
Therefore. Nothing can separate, sever me.
Not sin. not too much serving. not business. not hatred. not fear. not satan nor demons. not hurt or pain or loss. not joy. not good blessings. NOTHING!!
How can this be? How can such unbelievable goodness be true? What about my filth, my unbelief, my pride, my whoring, my distrust? my unfaithfulness, my abuse of good gifts?
It. is. Finished.
None of this (^) affects that*, the truth that He loves me. that truth never changes. the sins and wanderings of my heart, they affect my reception, my believing, my feeling this truth. but they don't actually touch the reality of it. and this, this overwhelming love. the reality of it, the unchangingness of it, the depth of undeserved, free, un-earned therefore unloseable LOVE is God's answer. He meets me with love. that's it! all i hear, all i feel. it undoes me. it moves me to surrender fully, to not fight, to repentance, to sweet freeing trust. to cast myself upon Him.
because perfect love, casts out, ALL fear!!"

i experienced the truth of this scripture today. ^that's what i wrote in my journal during dock time. that was my answer from the Lord. He is insanely GOOD!

i've been seriously struggling with fear this week. i've been too busy with "good" things that aren't "first" things. i haven't spent the time with Jesus i needed. i haven't been abiding in Him or dwelling in His presence. i've been running hard in my own strength. trying to fill up without stopping, attempting to pour out much more than i have to give. pride, self-sufficiency, and consequently every other sin have been running rampant in my heart and overflowing onto those closest to me all week long.

so this morning i went to my Jesus-in-concentration spot. packed up the trusy ipod, bible and notebook and planned to be on the dock as long as it took. until all my sin was confessed. all my cares cast. all my fear looked at in the face. i was pretty certain i'd be corrected, probably informed of areas that needed to change. well, as i was recieving His delightful forgiveness. He poured out his rich love on me and i already wrote all about that...so yeah. story of the day.

((if today had a soundtrack, it'd be prodigal by the Micheal Gungor band, i need you to love me by barlow girls, nothing but the blood, sweetly broken by jeremy riddle, and of course. divine romance by phil wickham.))

5.06.2011

sometimes i don't have words

((often)). especially when there is so much going on inside of me...good things & heart things & my head trying to sort it all out but realizing some things in life, are not logicalness. sometimes God gives us situations. that require trusting. blind following. resting in His plans & knowledge and the joy of being okay with knowing only that He is in control. i put on my pointe shoes today. and danced until i was shakily beyond breathing. as if i could dance my emotions into articulation...if only i could!! if only i had movements for my heart. sigh. news flash: i an't do a fouette en pointe anymore. only one rotation and the ankle gives out, so tragical. haha. mmm. so here i am sitting in my room. back supported by a sea coloured wall, hurting rubbed raw feet stretched out in front of me. the warmth of the laptop easing sore legs. allie moss & eminem sharing my grooveshark.
and my heart is so full.
my head confused,
but peacefully resting on an anchor stronger than me.
and i have no words.
they're trapped,
trapped in my chest like a swallow in a cage.
but i don't feel suffocated.
cause God knows what the hell is going on.
and i am...
JOYFUL. FREE. LIGHTHEARTED. and feeling, for the first time in my life actually FEELING & not fighting to believe, that HE cares for me.
truly cares. like a father for a daughter, not just loving...actively taking care of me.
(^seems messily throwing thoughts is the thing of late^)