the january i was 23
*notes scribbled in my phone recently after listening to podcasts about the white supremacy rampant in evangelical christianity* i think that day i went to the garage and screamed at the sky, i was becoming an atheist. i was desperately pleading with God to show up bc i didn't believe he existed anymore, bc he hadn't met me. bc i could explain every supposed spiritual comfort with science, with delusion. i felt fooled abandoned desolate i was overwhelmed by loss and i didn't have a language or a means of articulating what was happening in my brain. i didn't choose God bc i was so sure He was real. i loudly proclaimed & inked it on my skin that I was choosing him bc i was so afraid he wasn't. i was so scared, so lost. so i forced it. i thought i could choose to believe and silence all my questions but i couldn't. i truly believe i found God again somehow in ukraine. but i think what i'm walking through now is the fallout of having really been an agnost