10.28.2008

(encircled)

i need to hear this:

you came down
a light into the darkness
to souls that once were hopeless you gave joy
at calvary, you gave your life to save us
the righteous for unrighteous
so we could know your grace

you are good
and your mercy lasts forever
you are good to me
you are good
and your grace could not be measured

i am yours
forever you are with me
encircling, defending my soul
and when i fall
you draw me through your mercy
you faithfully forgive me
you lift me up again

When I think of my grandfather, it's tempting to ask "where's goodness?" Even as I pray for God to act, I wonder will He choose too. As if that is my business. It looks like Grandpa Benjamin is forgotten. But NO. He is encircled. Surrounded by God's constant care. Nothing can touch him apart from God's will. He is secure.
I need to remember. I need to believe. My heart is deceitful. I fool myself into thinking I am trusting God when in reality I'm working on "dams practical plans A, B and C for saving her family, friends and the world in general." What arrogance! I can't even save me from myself, but hey, I am going to save you. Job 38-42 is incredibly helpful. To paraphrase God's words to my own soul: Did I create the heavens? Do I know what lies in the depths of the oceans? Am I good [on my own]? Am I infinite?
No, no, no, no.
Therefore, how can I expect to understand the plans of God? He IS infinite and good. He created the heavens, earth, humans, life itself. I cannot expect to grasp the will of One whom I cannot even understand fully. That is how Job helps. It humbles me. It shows my pride and sinful motives. It reminds me I'm growing in trust. Still learning how to fully surrender every day. But it also gives hope as it displays God's greatness, majesty, brilliancy, glory.
What do I do with changed perspectives? Rest. In the fact that I, and all those who trust in Him, are always encircled by goodness. Practically applying it all...still figuring that out.

10.14.2008

i miss writing. {or} some things i will regret if i read them next week

life is busy. it is good. lots of thoughts. about everything. are swirling around madly in my head not making sense due to my bad habit of losing notebooks. sometimes threads of thought get untangled when you write them. sometimes writing helps me "get it". even if it makes others more confused. i'm not a real writer. i'd never write a book. but i write to preach truth to myself, to figure out exactly what i believe/think and where it is in error, to see sin that was masked in my heart, and sometimes to encourage others. And sometimes just 'cause i can.

that's why i never delete this blog. no matter how neglected it gets. somehow i always come back to throwing a few of my thoughts into words. here. when i'm working online it's easy to pop over and scribble. (okay, type. "scribble" is better though. because if it was written, it would be in hurried scrawl). it's harder to sit down at a blank page and write. when i try this usually goes through my head: "once i begin i will never stop and _________ has to get done so forget it."

i say all this to justify why i have a blog and never update. because it's not really about getting readers. {but if you enjoy something you read here, if it makes you laugh, or gives you good mockery material, that is all great.} i do want to encourage. i hope my words are God-honoring. but don't be surprised if sometimes i just ramble. if and when my ramblishness becomes self-centered; throw tomatoes at me until i get the picture.

hopefully i'll return from celebration more like a sane 20 year old and not a crazed one.

10.01.2008

*stars)

the stars are an awesome manifestation of God's glory. sometimes i think that He took tiny pieces of His glory and flung them into the sea of night sky as a visual reminder that we don't belong to earth. it's so easy to forget...
last night they reminded me that life is not about me. (you'd think i know that by now) nothing is about me. everything is about God. about bringing Him glory, reflecting His image, loving, worshipping, trusting Him. laying on our deck railing suspended between earth and sky, God adjusted my heart. life fell into perspective. struggles were minimized. the grace, love, mightiness of God was magnatized.

i have looked at the stars thousands of times, but every time is a little different. i often return to the house stilled, hushed, at peace. sometimes God speaks. sometimes He feels distant. even then, just being under His stars helps me believe the truth that He is near.
i guess i can't really explain it with words. words are pretty limited.
just look up at the stars tonight.