8.30.2011

ahhck.

my brain never stops thinking. NEVER. not as in it keeps me surviving.
as in it is too smart for it's own good.
it's not smart, but it thinks it is, and it thinks about things faaaaaarr beyond it's IQ level.
Oi oi.
just once, it would be nice to focus on doing laundry. and not be doing laundry while my brain cycles through why i don't really like to call myself "christian"& whether that is an ok thing or a not ok thing. how that word seems to come with a whole culture attached to it that i'm not necessarily on board with. all the connotations that come with the concept of being a christian. and how most of them aren't true. the biblical definish of christian, and what a christian is today or what people hear when they hear the word are vastly different. it means something different to almost everybody, how it depends on experience and interactions with folks with that label (rightly or wrongly, which is even another train of thought) and why i wish it actually just meant "choosing to love Jesus forever" but it doesn't.

or what would i do if the dryer exploded, like this freak accident? what actions would i take and how would i respond if we lost our house and everything because of fire...what would be the best thing i could do for my family? so ridiculous.

or how is that God creates families? as in the general idea of families, the concept of a unit of people who are connected by blood, different from any other connection with any other person yet still so easily severed. & how kids are biologically part of their parents, & the mental and emotional seems to have similarities to but yet they are still their own individual people. vastly different from their parents when it really comes down to how they live and choices they make. how do personalities develop anyway? how does environment change a person? is there a way to lessen the impact of how you are raised determining who you are? where does your belief system enter in to that? how many insane details God orchestrates everyday & what parts are sovereignly designed, absolutely vital? what part does our human will & responsibility play in all that? are there things God would prefer not to happen yet chooses to allow? believing in both His sovereignty & free will as defined by scripture is not easy! hyper-calvinism or armenianism sounds so much simpler. bu then really i am grateful that my God doesn't fit in boxes...see and yet another thread could start. AAHHH!!! shoot me. lol.

yeah i never let myself finish those thoughts because i'm not smart enough to ever reach any conclusion, and i think an opinion formed in ignorance is just arrogance.

i am crazy. so annoying. just want my damn brain to shut up. and let me live in silence for awhile. am i the only one with a crazy loud mind?

8.24.2011

///

bleh. i hate white blank spaces. when i have storms in my head and my heart is being silent because it wants to stay out of the argument. c'mon. give me something to work with here?
i feel like i need to run 8 miles to figure out what's inside me. i need a huge thunderstorm, and i need to be IN it. not watching it from behind glass. actually inside where the lightning tingle threatens to strike me and stop my heart. where the rain is so powerful it soaks me in seconds, forcing me to my knees. where the wind almost knocks me over. that sounds really good to me right now...
aggravatedness.

good news. i won't care in five years. about anything i do now, except Jesus. and the people i am closest to. that's it. it won't matter whether i felt failure or triumph, it won't matter how often i sinned or how often i loved Jesus. those decisions are important in the here and now, but really. super big deals are quickly forgotten in this life. thankfully.

i'm a mess. no really, and not the hot southern kind either. more like the Oh God sombody call the demolition crew lol...hazard to myself much.

in light of eternity though, that doesn't really matter either. even things i don't see God working through. things i think will affect my future. won't. that is in God's hands, and i can't really change it. i can make it easier or harder on myself to follow Him, and thats the end of my finite power. *whew! what a good deal! my God works in the impossible. scratch that, He THRIVES on impossible. He's most glorified when we are weak, when it's obvious that it's His power at work.
if it's not obvious that i am weak. incapable of doing any good on my own.
you're blind.

what disorganized ramblish. how shocking. i normally write so neat & coherent...