6.29.2013

{України}

can't believe I've spent the past 13 days in Ukraine// Kiev & orphan camp 1. my heart is happy to be here, missing littles from Gordanya, & a little apprehensive about what's next. please continue to pray for elizabeth & i, the HFO team, for the kids, spiritual strength & discernment, cultural understanding & grace to .think. _before I speak?

grateful: _for_ 
Jesus.
 prayers! 
chance to be here. 
awesome HFO team. 
10 days with a fantastic American team. Elizabeth. 
baby Ivanshko. 
coffee! 
the metro. 
thunderstorms mightier than any I've seen yet. 
beauty. 
culture misunderstandings that keep me humble. 
language barriers that force me to be creative & work at communicating.
showers.
Ukrainian ice cream
comrade's journal//
( Kyev) 


6.15.2013

7.5 hours

God i don't really know what i'm doing.

i don't think i'm the right person for this place | this time | these people.
i can think of others--specifically two right now--that would be a much better fit. (i think). so i'm a little confused...it causes me to stop and think "oh no what if i'm not supposed to be doing this? what if i'm wrong?" and i can't. can't waste time, can't allow doubt or fear into my mind. God you HAVE to be sending me or else i'm not going to make it...
i believe You are.

but maybe i'm just scared. ouch. i'm not sure i'm down for this, i feel like i'm going to be stretched & probably broken a bit. right now i'm craving comfort and safety. like staying home is akin to crawling into my nice warm bed and snuggling under the covers...

but that's not the life i want to lead.
or
being comfortable won't lead to the life i want. comfort won't ultimately see Your glory unfold, won't build in me as much of a character in Your great story as discomfort will. at this point. what a reversal of my life! for so long i wanted to be the one going...and You were working greater things in the waiting.
now you say go,
and i'm scared.

cause i see my indaequacies and stay there. instead of looking at Your sufficiency. i am unworthy. but i am NOT worthless.

thank You Jesus.

go before me, go with me, and be my rearguard?

and oh God save the children. rescue the orphans. I cannot change their lives. but You, You can change their hearts from the inside out. 


6.11.2013

twenty5.


I've been freaking about this day, dreading it. never dreaded June 10 before now. not sure why this year i was. maybe cause I'm not mature enough, I'm not where I wanted to be spiritually--have I been lazy this past year even more than I thought? have I just wasted 365 days of my life? I'm not where I saw myself in life--but I've always tried to follow God. this can't have been His plan!

but today I set all those questions aside & just lived it. I know God's hand is upon me. I know that for all my wandering, I sought Him in every big life decision--sometimes I fought His leading but there has never been one He let me go my own way. He always wins those battles! He never left me. even when I have tried to run, He never let me go. so here I am. it is what it is. I'm here, there's nothing I can change about it. people may judge & think whatever they want too; but my heart knows I've tried to walk Gods path for me faithfully. failed in alot of ways. but never left it by His almighty grace!! honestly, even if I could change past decisions...I don't think I would. I'm where God wants me. nobody has to believe it but me.

I'm grateful for the beauty in:
family. especially mum she went through the hard work of labor 25 years ago! & my fam, we love through thick n thin no matter how intense our disagreements are at times. I need my parents, my brothers & my sister. 

new Justin cowboy boots still can't believe the women in my cg bought me these!!!!

the love those boots represent I am NOT alone. or forgotten. God sees & loves me, just like His people do. 

coffee ice cubes

yellow guy Harvey shirts that bring the ocean into work

delightful children so lucky in my job!

long-distance phone calls from Elinor that reconnect. & plug me into what i miss most, sharing the everyday of life. 

birthday letters, beach baskets & anchors

oh hey cheers to the day of your birth texts from friends whom you've known since childhood & newer ones who you didn't even know knew the date! 

Ireland castle books  

Comrade for seeing Jesus in me where I cannot 

grace

clean sheets 

so much more to be thankful for...but it's a start! believing this next year to be less self-centered & more joyful than the last. 

((i didn't have a theme song, that was kinda wierd))







6.06.2013

come (here)


I found the following reposted on a tmblr I check often called bloom. I don't know the original author (A tmblr called heartbeat-of-a-twentysomething ?) but wanted to share it. bc it's really good, & it's a place I've been before. it's a place I'm entering again...I need Jesus with me. I always do, but lately I've been livin as if I don't. I forgot that one needs Christ in ALL seasons. even here. here in the in-between of seasons without any high or low.

& I think. my denial of need, my desperately wanting to be *not* wanting of anything, (ha.ha. im ridiculous no?) my "if i pretend im great maybe i will be"...this has caused me to live in the flatland of just getting by. merely existing. so if you know me, I need help. I need people asking me if I'm fighting or just standing. ask me where my sword is. ask me if I'm inviting God to be _here_ in my life as is. cause i use to live like this girl does. I've been at the utter end of hope; begging "Jesus i can't even breathe i just need You here, with me." & on the mountaintop of delight: "Jesus this view  is astounding, please be here so i don't treasure it more than You." i can start now! anyway here are better words than mine:
"You know when you were little and you would yell for your mom or dad and they would usually ask, “What do you need?” As a kid, you have trouble explaining or you really don’t have a good reason so you just say, “Just come here.”
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of, “Jesus, can you just come here?” I’ve become His child that feels lost in direction and heart and I feel a loss for words. So I just started saying those simple words, whether that’s praying in the shower or running on the beach, I just invited Him to come with me. I wanted Him with me. I don’t need a reason or know what I want or need, I just need to ask if He’ll come here and hold me close and tell me He’s not going anywhere.
I’m thankful for a God that gives me hope and joy in His presence. I’m thankful, even in my confusion and waiting. I think that not knowing what to say to Him is part of some of the best moments you’ll ever experience with Jesus. Why? They’re pure, childlike faith that He’s still there."

6.03.2013

girl in the war



"I got a {girl in the war} paul, the |only thing I know to do| // is turn up the music & pray that she makes it _through_"

"listen, you know those days when you get the mean reds?"
"the mean reds; you mean the blues?"
"no. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of..."

it's not that there's nothing going on in my head or heart. there just aren't words for it. or I'm sure there are. kinda. somewhere there are letters floating around that could do...I just don't how to find them & arrange them properly to form the exact words I need to match what's inside. so instead. I listen to an awful lot of music & read other people's words that resonate with what mine should be. & wait.