wild melody

it was a blessed day. God was kind. I'm grateful I took pictures. (except the pic of us w/ nana is from yesterday but I didn't have a photo of today's visit) bc right now the silence is whispering & I am desperately trying to fill my mind with lovely to keep it out.  I'm not good with silence  right now because all the quiet reminds me death is waiting.  I can't help picturing the book thief character...waiting. watching us.  knowing what we don't, being surprised at how unaware we seem. wondering at the foolish way hope sneaks in on days things seem so much better. its not like that. i know the gospel.  damn it. i don't want to mourn the living! i will not grieve while she is yet here for me to hug. pray for. sit with, speak to, laugh with-at... this is why i avoid silence right now. quiet has a voice, I can hear the wrecked days whispering at the edge of my consciousness. it knows how scared ...

i'm not editing this (not like i ever "edit" this writing) but i'm not even mentally pre-forming my words. sometimes i'm really sneaky at lying to myself. i don't like feelings so i'm not always in touch with my own. a silly thing for an introvert to say. sure i can over-think & psycho-analyze toooo death. _but_ it doesn't follow that i analyze my emotions. what i think is far more important, right? ;) when real things are happening i tend to shove it down. don't think don't go there don't feel. so i'm gonna spill my guts & maybe get a handle on what's really going on this lil person. i need honesty with myself and the Lord. i want so much to be brave & beautiful (on a deep character level). right now it doesn't look like i'll get there. that takes faith in Jesus, since both spring from vital, unshakable hope. i don't have hope right now. some days God fills me with it. but then i wonder later if it w...

rough week. but last thursday, mum & i didn't think nana would live through the night and here she is doing better! praise Jesus for small miracles. there's been light, good moments. I want to focus on the beauty. so here are things I learned from spending every spare moment in Apopka with my dads family: 1) family means everything.  i didn't know how tight we really were. tragedy tears apart or brings together; we're together. of course, 4 sons with strong & different personalities plus 4 necessarily strong wives; there are bound to be a few small explosions... but. after the smoke clears, we pull together. division is not the lasting note. underneath it all there is strength & loyalty. I've been so impressed, encouraged, & grateful at the way my uncles & aunts & cousins dropped everything. they put their lives in wyoming & texas on pause. they've taken care of Nana and worked through rough days. everybody wants Nana to be happy. we ...

Elizabeth to some, Betty to Grandpa, Grandma/Memaw to us kids. We were all blessed to know her. She loved her Savior. She served Him well for many years. She was a diligent prayer warrior, often waking up in the middle of the night because God laid somebody on her heart. She was strong. With quite a spunky side. (Grandpa would tease her just to draw her fire. all in good fun) She gave us alot of laughter-many times unwittingly. She cooked comfort food and coconut cake. Even while she was sick she still took care of everybody else. She was a faithful wife for almost 54years. She was a "woman who feared the Lord." {proverbs 31} Now she is home with her Savior. It's tempting to wish she'd been here for Christmas. To wonder why she didn't see her daughter & mom who were en route that very Thursday. But that is where I rest in the sovereignty of God. Such comfort. He isn't surprised. He knew when her organs would start shutting down. He planned to take her home...

Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you . In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? You have kept count of my tossings ; put my tears in your bottle . Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know , that God is for me . In the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? O God; I will render thank offerings to you. For you have delivered my soul from death , yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. { from psalm 57 } .please pray for Grandma Elizabeth. (i've called her grandma benjamin before} the cancer is causing alot of pain and making her rather sick. pray that God is her comfort, that He will also comfort Grandpa; that mum and her sister will have wisdom and strength. thank you.

" When we are in fear we can do nothing less than pray, but our Lord has a right to expect that those who name His Name should have an understanding confidence in Him. God expects His children to be so confident in Him that in any crises they are the reliable ones. Our trust is in God up to a certain point, then we go back to the elementary panic prayers of those who do not know God. We get to our wit's end, showing that we have not the slightest confidence in Him and His government of the world; He seems to be asleep, and we see nothing but breakers ahead . "O ye of little faith!" What a pang must have shot through the disciples--"Missed it again!" And what a pang will go through us when we suddenly realize that we might have produced downright joy in the heart of Jesus by remaining absolutely confident in Him, no matter what was ahead. There are stages in life when there is no storm, no crises, when we do our human best; it is when a crisis arises that w...

{thanks mum for the photo} 2 months ago, Grandma's CEA counts were in the thousands. The cancer had become immune to the chemo. Doctors assigned an intense new chemo. We prayed. And while hoping, wondered if it would do much of anything. She got her latest CEA reading today: 52.5!!! Can you say GOD? How revealing it is to have your prayers answered in a way you never expected. Hence the song. Even though it's been posted by others before. I'm putting it up too, because it has been our "theme song" for a long time now. Still I wonder. Is this the beginning of a miracle? Or just a small reprieve? I wonder, but it's not a nervous wonder. I know that whatever happens next, God is trustworthy. He is faithful. It's a truth that doesn't change. Whether hope shines as brightly as it does now; or whether it's a glimpse of light seemingly overshadowed by darkness. Either way it's a chance to remember the great comfort: HE is SOVEREIGN. Even thoug...

hi. i'm posting from beks house. say hi beks. she always looks over my shoulder. she reads slow and goes "dont turn the page yet". hoser. Mary K. is here to. she said she'll kick me out and make me homeless if i'm mean. Now she's excited because HER NAME IS IN PRINT! wow. we're really tired. we've been ice skating. i love ice skating. except that i go really fast and can't stop and slam into the plexiglass like a hockey player....haha. another good reason to move to canada, eh? i got the new David Crowder cd. my mom loves david's songs. so i opened it in the car and started reading. sitting in the car at walmart this is what i read: "This recording is about that collision. It is the collision of our fallen state and our Maker's transcendence.... it is about too many who know intensely what pain the word 'cancer' holds and the words of my friend whispered in my ear, 'it's okay. none of us are getting out of here aliv...