9.12.2012

(breathing via ink) settle in. prob be interrupting myself, rambling, general messiness

my wrist thinks it's 65 tonight. obviously not a fan of holding pens, or it wouldn't be complaining so much. ((sometimes i'm afraid all the writing i've done since i was a kid in those 25 journals-no i didn't keep all of them-is gonna cause arthritis at age 30 haha)) so i'ma be typing my heart out. cause man, the hawk is creating chaos flying around in this chest of mine! keeps bumping into bones n tendons, won't let me sleep.
it needs to breathe..
...idk i just need release, in a good way.
i'm not sure where this is going.
*silence*

sigh.
never have words when my heart is most fully alive...the deeper i'm feeling-being; the quieter-stiller i get.

God did something tonight.
ugh. really? that's what we're going to say? ... i feel it, but i don't have words for it. something happened in my heart that i don't understand. i don't even know what the "something" is. i just know His hand was there.
so i'll write about everything else. cause i gotta express something!!
class was cancelled but i didn't know til i got there. i planned Jesus time today but put it off. (i do that often. sometimes i'd rather just live in my own strength, cause i don't wanna deal w/ mess. my head/heart get pretty tangled up & the collision of humanity//Divinity is not the simplest of processes. idk if that's just my 6yr old-ness, or my raw honesty, or cause i'm one of His more passionate kids...but there it is. i'll avoid meeting Him b.c i forget getting through mess results in such peace-freedom) i had bible n notebook in my backpack so headed to the lake. took a long walk, then settled in on my dock. oh beauty! choppy deepest blue waves, a sailboat, sun not-quite-setting...Jesus thank you for making Creation so lovely. thank you for allowing it to sing to me. anyway that dock. i swear, it's become part of me. i started going for Jesus time a few years back, and there was a season i spent a few hours every thursday. that wood has seen every stage of my walk with God the past (3) yrs: tears, anger, laughter, stillness, love. i go when i'm overwhelmed, when i need an answer. when i know i'ma cry and don't want anybody to see my heart bleed all over my face. when i'm overjoyed, exultant and can't worship enough. when i'm fighting, when i'm victorious. it knows more about my relationships with friends n family than anybody. in may it saw me with a lighter instead of a bible, but God cut that season short. if those boards could talk, the insight they'd have on me! i wish i could get them to share...i could be such a better version of me lol. wish they could tell me where i'm stubborn & make it harder on myself, vs which wrestlings are God-sent to make me stronger...enough blathering about a dock.



and i just keep hitting the enter key...


hmm.

i'm not the happiest i've ever been. but i'm not sure i've ever held life so dear, & i believe i'm the most joyful i have ever been. i'm not the most in love with Jesus i've ever been--at least not in "emotions" or "feeling"...but He owns all of my heart in a way He didn't til 6 months ago. i'm the most free i've ever been. i'm not the neatest cleanest or best version of myself. but i'm comfortable in my skin. i'm convinced Jesus is NEVER giving up on me. i'm convinced He's got crazy wonderful terrifying hard bigger-than-my-imagination (and lemme remind you that's intense) plans. i believe He is going to take me through visions that began with an attraction to medical field & missions going back as long as i can remember, and have burned in my chest since age 14. 10 years is short in terms of visions. but long when you're only 24.

all my life, people have said i'm "different". i've had people who seem to accurately hear from God on a lot of things tell me i was made "different" "unbreakable" "resilient" for His purposes. that was cool in the defiantly proud years of highschool. but then it got a little frightening as i started living real life. been several years since it has scared me more than thrilled me, as i am rather small and only brave about foolish things. *rabbit trail: people mistake toughness for bravery. why? the courageous are the humble. people who know their smallness n have healthy fear BUT step forth in total assurance that God is their confidence--"unquenchable optimism", like i used to see in a friend. i've prayed for it and it hasn't shown up yet...but God's been shaving the tough callouses off me for a few years now so. maybe He will instill some real bravery in this heart! *end of rabbit trail
but now i think they're right. i'll embrace it. i have to fly, i can't cripple n suffocate myself. i'm stepping into what He wants me to be. oh Jesus have YOUR way! i want so badly to be all You've created me to be...but my flesh n humanity equally want a nice safe american life with a ranch a man and 5 kids lol. which isn't bad to want, i know; but right now that would be settling. taking the easy way out.
so. i cant' do this on my own. but if You're with me...
i'll be your prophetess. i'll speak Your words when it makes me look crazy, when it costs friendship or approval. i'll go when You call & it means leaving behind pieces of me. i'll stay when You stay & i'm restless. if You keep my heart alive, i won't let it grow cynical, cold or numb. i'll love like You love me--i'll bleed and be changed by love. i'll stay when everybody else jumps ship. i'll think the best when it hurts. i'll fight when it feels pointless, i'll lay down my sword if You'll be my shield. i'll rest when i'm weary. i'll look weak. i'll bare my frailty...
i just want to see You n love You.
be my everything? You are the richest treasure. and i have You. oh let it sink in!
so much i could say
but i'm all outta words.
theme song:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

...

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.


Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.


High King of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

1 comment:

Abi said...

thank you.
I want to love Jesus that much too.