always near

"...for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." (deut 31.6b)

i feel like an orphan so often. i don't even realize it, how i live as if i'm on my own. but i'm adopted. yours. and when you took me into your family, my adoption papers came with pages of promises. i am firmly grafted into all the benefits of the children of God. the promise made to Joshua if he would follow you? same for me.

"I have been young, and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken." (ps 37.25)
"For the Lord will not forsake His people; He will not abandon His heritage..." (ps 94.14)
"the Lord is gracious and merciful...He remembers His covenant forever." (ps 111.4b-5a)

i am not abandoned. i am not forsaken, not left alone, not forgotten. Christ was forsaken on my behalf. the day He bore all my sins and wrath; was the same day He made separation from God impossible. i cannot see, i cannot feel. the tangible closeness fades away and i assume i am left. alone.
no child.
always near. He_ is_ always_ | near |. even now. lingering, waiting. loving me fiercely. protecting me from dangers i never even know to fear. preventing me from self-destruction.

"And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (mat 28.20)
"I give them eternal life...and no one will snatch them out of my hand." (john 10.28)
"for He has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' . So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?' " (heb 13.5-60

promises, love. rock_solid_promises. whisper them into the darkness. it is not empty. don't forget My words, child; I keep my promises. I have never and will never leave you.

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God himself will dwell with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more..." revelation 21:3-4a


i see fire


oh my dear Ukraine. my heart is breaking as Kyev burns. i know Independence Square well, I've walked those streets and sat on the curb exhausted with coffee from Coffee House in my hand. I've been in St Michael's. how i love this country... if i had any medical training i would be on a plane to Kyev now. literally,  i'd be on my way: here .

i'm ashamed at the way our government has let others maneuver the political field in this situation, how we have not made any counter offers or helped negotiations move toward the people being heard. i never thought i would see the day when we only cared for a "democracy" of name only, when it was in our own interests. how can we the free not help those who know what it's like to live oppressed? God forgive us.

this is my theme song today, shared with me by a good friend who loves Ukraine as well. (i see fire by ed sheeran)



photo by beks. abi me & lizzy, Cape Canaveral, 2013

life is beautiful:

chocolate almond milk + leftover coffee + ice = healthier motivator

roof over my head on this cold & rainy night

my bed that i don't see much of (complaining about having only 1 set of sheets & how hard that makes it to wash em when i realized one of my friends is sleeping on her floor bc she can't afford a bed.)


so many gifted musicians who appreciate beauty & depth, who combine courage & vulnerability and write themselves into music-lyrics. my life is so much richer by good honest music.

skype & viber & imessage & VK. which make thousands of miles bearable

Jesus delights in me _period_ even when i don't feel worth delighting in, even when i'm not acting very delightful

my friends seriously rock the world. literally.

i'm 25 and i still get to live with my famjam.  which is often a source of whining and shame for me, but it shouldn't be. i love them. i want to treasure this time so badly & make memories & really love them selflessly and say screw how others judge me. i won't be here for the majority of my life (probably) because

i still have most of my life ahead of me (God willing)

wow. beautiful thought! i have time. time to grow & learn & mature

A & P II is the best. class. ever. even if i just failed the first exam.


pray for Ukraine

Kiev from a hill above Independence Square, taken in 2012
I found this article from an Israeli paper to give refreshing a non-american, non-bbc (read: not afraid to take a strong stand on the side of an argument) view on the protests in Kiev.

You can find it here:   http://www.haaretz.com/opinion/.premium-1.573142

i want to DO something for my heart country, but i cannot. i'm powerless. all i can do is pray pray pray and talk to my friends in Kiev. please join me in praying for their safety.  also pray for this resilient nation that has already suffered oppression and violence under other nations for longer than we as Americans can fathom. pray for peace, pray that democracy will win, pray against civil war and against Ukraine becoming a pawn on the stage of international politics.


_s p a c e

i'm fascinated by space. it terrifies me. but i always wanted to experience it
at least once. it's constant, logical, beautiful. vaster and deeper than i can fathom. a burning stillness.

tonight it's comforting (not "comfort" for when one is sad, more like cozy & enjoyable to dwell on). stars & galaxies & planets all spinning through the still ink of our universe...

constant. yet always changing. stars die, things shift & alter, planet systems break down. | yet | not one.single.atom fails to an extant that would disrupt the fragile balance of earth. our solar system remains stable. it is continually being upheld by Christ. no matter what happens in my small world, the "real" world is safe. Jesus maintains the world of matter with all its laws & orderly mathematic precision so it can remain unshaken. steady. 
hearts and minds falter. nations fail. moments of felt (or actual) weakness is a sure common experience across the entirety of humanity. past present future. every person who ever lived has failed. but the universe has not {yet}. it keeps rotating around the sun. the stars cross the sky. the moon created the tides. all because Jesus never has & never will fail. Christ's words will NEVER fail to sustain. 

even when the solid scientific world finally does. at the end of all time as we know it, when the earth shows it's frailty at last...all will collapse. but Christ will remain. His power will bring about the dawning of a new time. 

Life is beautiful because Jesus is solid, steady, stable. the Sustainer of all life who also happens to be Holy, Just, Good, Mighty, Gracious, truly Loving like none other. 

[sing praises to your King, oh my soul! how can you be troubled in light of His majesty?]