i was pushed out of my comfort zone on a sunny monday last april. i was stretched, hurt, blessed insanely, grown in a beautiful non-comfortable season. it ended on a cloudy sunday in december, and i thought i'd return to "life as usual, pre-april".
enter january. enter panic attacks, crying every.single.freaking.day uncontrollably, what the hell is happening to me. enter confusion, people loving& caring for me; waiting to see what's going on with my body & hoping (mostly believing) i'm not crazy. enter knowing God's major at work, but being unable to see how. in fact knowing i'm not sposed to.
that is not exactly stepping out in faith, i know. it's happening to me whether i like it or not.
but its not a comfort zone.
it's destroying my comfort zone so i am forced to jump.
somehow, i know, there is no going back to pre-april normalcy. God has a plan with whatever is going on in me physically. there's a deeper something. when i am healed or fixed and a little better able to function like a normal human being...
i am not going back.
God has plans, and i know. after this, it's going to be time to move. to step out. I have NO idea how, where, what. A big step, a little step. drastic life change forsaking all i know now. life change in a little way. all I do know? it's going to be blind. it's going to take faith and trust i don't have. its not going to be me figuring anything out, or knowing, or planning.
i'm scared. freaking terrified. but that's ok. i'm not there yet. i take one day at a time. no literally. i dont know what i'm going to feel/do/think one hour to the next. i just sing & try to thank God for good times of resting in His love, and the more often times of singing to keep the panic & despair from seeping into my heart.
so yea. this blog post made me cry yesterday:
at least these parts: