"you know what i need?"
"nope, what?"
"i just need more Jesus. If I had more Jesus, than everything would be ok, really."

true story. in all sincerity.

"For His daily, less noticeable deliverance I want the spirit to {open my eyes} so I can .be thankful. 
For His mighty acts that appear at the eleventh hour, I want {grace} to .trust Him}. 
But these after-the-fact deliverance's? 

I [hardly know] [what] to ask

What if you actually went through your worst nightmare, .what then.? 
/Where was the deliverance?/
 It means that there will be lots of sorrow as we .walk through life., but we {aspire} to know sorrow that is mingled with hope. For subjects of King Jesus, death and tragedy are never the last word
The goodness of our God is certain.

-Edward Welch. {.emphasis. & weird formatting .mine.]


just sayn'

I'm a desperado, but i'm gonna break my rusty cage and run...any where the wind blows, on the train to San Antone. i'll be a burning ring of fire hotter than a pepper sprout. i'll get rhythm when i get the blues, i'll meet a boy named sue and you will never hear me say "this is the worst trip since i have been born." i'll walk the line to make you mine. and like a bridge over troubled water, i'll lay me down in the streets of Lorado...cause there's something in a sunday that makes a body feel alone...but i'll still love you when you're down and out, even in a field made of stone; i'll smile away the thunder if you love this heart of mine...

i love johnny.
just in case you didn't know...


october 20

beks is twenty-five... i am so insanely grateful that she was born on this day, 25 years ago. God knew i'd need her! there is so much she has done for me...from drawing out my girly side, teaching me how girls make friends, showing me that dolls and teacups could be fun. we've fought, forgiven, endured and rejoiced together. there's so much i want to write about her...the best friend ever. she's got gorgeous green eyes and swell fashion taste. [now ;)] she hates football, she loves afternoon teas and britishness. she loves God and is learning more and more how to rest in Him and trust Him. she leaves things in His hands where I would think about them and try to figure them out. she loves others faithfully, even when it hurts. she's creative& quirky and a total goofball when i draw it out of her.

but she's in WV and i am here. i am SO VERY proud of her for jumping of a cliff a lil bit. took courage and faith. but maybe we won't write this today. cause then i will miss her like crazy.

watermark-"you'll never know". theme song.

elaphantjuice bekah boo. {heart}


giving up

is what happens when you delete instead of attach the outline of chapter 11. WhOO DOOOESS that?!
maybe the prof won't notice that it says outline for 10 and 11 but only contains 10?
yeah right.
but chapter 11 is ridiculously long...
hmmm. rewrite it, get 10 points and no sleep before work tomorrow?

or screw the points...and crawl into the lovely invention called bed where people actually CLOSE thier itchy eyes and REST.

callin the latter.

((i think sometimes i forget this isnt' like facebook or twitter and its sposed to be real deepish writings. whatevs. its fine. deal with it. {{ukraine shoutout! lol ))


who do i fear

"Fear of man is a horrible way to live. It’s absolute bondage. Our idols own us. They own us, they control us, they dictate the directions of our lives and the impulses of our hearts. Our idols get a grip on us and nothing will get a grip harder than this one: the fear of man. It will tell you how to think, it will tell you what to feel, it will tell you how to act, it will tell you what to wear, it will tell you when to laugh, it will tell you what to be… We will use people to make us feel right, to justify our existence, to escape our insecurities and to gain a verdict that we are desperate for [that says we are valuable]. We’re trusting in other people, using them to heal us, validate us, to restore to us our glory. To save us."
— JR Vassar (via modernhepburn)
"The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people and took from them for their daily ration forty shekels of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people. But I did not do so, because of the fear of God." Nehemiah 5.15

been really digging into Nehemiah lately, and today i got back into it. sooo much. so much richness and so very where i am. so very what i need. duh. God's words are living water & sword edge & fire breathing...
there's an awful lot i want to write about this man that had it together. so much that parallels my life right now. so much God's using to convict & shape this heart. but short on time so today i'ma just say:

i want to fear God more than i fear man.
i want GOD's opinion to matter most,
i want His favor.
i want God's opinion to be the FIRST that i seek. more so than my pastors', my parents', my friends', or any other source. not in a arrogant "i don't need counsel" way. but from a "i have to know what GOD says about this for myself" way.
i want to have God's approval.
and i want to value it. i want to know i am walking with Him--and have that be enough.
i want the joy-peace-discernment-courage that comes from seeking Jesus first. aaaww WHY CAN'T I STAY THERE??!! i hit my stride, i start running with Him close and then...
i look away or
get bored or
seek to run by somebody else or
estimate my stride with another's or
get distracted by a lemonade stand...i can't ever seem to stay with Him. despite the fact that "i know of no other lover that would have met me in this place" despite His faithful passionate pursuit.

i don't want to flirt with temptation, checking out the bait on the hook.
i don't want to see how much i can let the world define me and stay safe. 
i don't want to blur my lines and edges and fit in.

Jesus, take my heart. rip these tendons. make me \yours\. and forgive my cringing at the cost of those words, forgive my holding back, forgive my squemishness & distrust of You.


things my heart adores

from the internet (idr which tmblr)
1. procrastination when there is a test in 5 hours. (ooobviously)

2. finding the beks' instagram online. #socialmediastalker# heh heh. she thought she was getting away...

stolen from beks iphone. but i earned it frying fish so its k.
3. southern-ness: sweet tea/ ya'll/ guns/ trucks/ particularly old trucks with the right (and there are oh so many NOT right) bumper stickers/ friendly folks in small towns/ fishing poles on the dock/ unfriendly old guys in small towns that make me laugh/ bank tellers that talk about first friday on main street & ask why they don't see you there/ azaleas/ dresses & cowboy boots

4. my cowboy boots especially, despite the holes, fraying & gorilla-glue round 4 heels. oh and also especially cooking southern food with best friends or for family then EATiNG it. oh happiest of times for the mouth.

5. writing the world's most awkward sentence structure. ever. (see above)

6. coffee coffee coffee coffee. yet i still fall asleep on my books half the time. (nothing to do with the fact that the other half i am up til 3 and then up again at 7. yea no connection...)

7. "Jesus blood never failed me yet..." and it NEVER ever will. sigh. relief. sweet joy. thank you Lord for MERCiFUL GRACE!!!

8. sunrise + ocean = singing heart, running. splashing. possibly laughter out loud from sheer joy

9. having a loyalty to pro AND college football. because what are the chances they will both have the awfullest season ever? actually...that has happened... but this year at least one of them is 5-0 so far.

10. maybe writing this while stretching in shorts and legwarmers...it feels good guys, doesn't have to look good! ;)

11. sister's cookie skills. and said sister. also unsaid bros.

(( i can't believe football is on the same list as Jesus...actually i can't believe the things that share this list. not ranked in order of importance. in fact this list isn't even equal in compilation...lol i am chaotic mess.))

there. take that complaining heart. boom!

a few hours later, and i hear some awesome news that makes this day better! for #12 see: http://goingforlove.blogspot.com  


not procrastinating. can't write scientific data w/o unleashing a lil heartspeak*

dude, this cracked me up! (maybe study brain + exhorbitant amounts of coffee, idk. but i lol'd):
Mr. Darcy: hey, I just met you

Mr. Darcy: and this this crazy

Mr. Darcy: but I’m going to act coldly distant to you for a long time, then awkwardly admit my undying love to you and save you from liking a horrible liar and gambler, then propose to you, telling you I love you not for your beauty but for your mind.

Mr. Darcy: so call me maybe.
from: modern hepburn
then this *still* feels like solid truth! :

seriously. when i'm antsy & restless & adhd. when i'm being stupid & emotional (or validly emotional). when i'm thinking hard n sorting something out...that's when i miss dance the most. my body still HAS to move! absolutely has to relieves stress physically. sometimes i feel suffocated, chained, trapped by my own phyisical limitations and the lack of space for whirling about. 

i miss (all of dance). achingly so. silly as it is. i miss the tedium, pain, i'll-never-look-gorgeous-and-that's-the-whole-objective-so-i-hate-this-but-i'ma-try-anyway of pointe--it taught me discipline. i miss the space, physicality, flowing-with-music of lyrical/modern & kendall choreagraphy-it taught me how to let go of control. i miss the strengthening & hard work of barre-it taught me laziness in seemingly insignificant, small areas will always show itself later (learned the hard way-took 7 yrs of dancing to apply myself 100% in barre) i miss centre floor-turns being my biggest weakness taught me that practice is a must; frustration & failure have to be mentally overcome. i miss the agonizing slowness that became victory of leg & balance work-(whatsitcalled?) taught me patience & mind over matter. oh-one thing i don't miss! i don't miss petite allegro. all that taught me was that my legs get shin splints no matter HOW much i stretch or work out! i miss grande allegro, oh do i miss the flight sensation, speed, powerful grace of it--especially leaps! those rare moments when every.single.part. of body obeyed mind-not a muscle, finger or toe out of place... enabling me to steal a second from gravity...that moment of "hang" was euphoria like nothing else on earth. that taught me God does give natural inclinations; but that doesn't mean "good" comes effortlessly. being "good" takes gifting AND hard work. i miss the comfort, beautiful-hurt & relaxation of real, lengthy stretching--that taught me to breathe.

mostly i miss the dancing my heart out on my own; the freedom, vulnerability & raw honesty before my God that i learned first via dancing.

i've learned to get my heart out in writing instead--that freedom to pour out my heart before Him & not shrink from exposing to myself all its ugliness has transferred to pen or voice. i'm learning to attempt verbal expression of what's *really* going on in my heart-head to the people closest...but dang i still think some days life would be easier if i could dance it out! i miss the constancy of it. i miss the relief of dancing my way out of worry into worship. i miss leaving my ish at the studio door. (k that didn't always happen...some of them were part n parcel to it--but i at least got physically exhausted enough or into the music/movement enough to forget them)

i miss the absolute perfect sleep that came after dancing to my limit of physical exhaustion>> then pushing through that for a few more hours, stretching muscles most people didn't even know they had farther than any human body should. (so i've come to find out. i'm still shocked when people can't touch their toes lol)

its all good. i know God's closed that season of life, and i'm alright with it. deep down, i know His ways are higher, better, perfect. if He's written the final words of that chapter, than praise be that He gave me a body capable of it for 13 not-always-but-sometimes-glorious years. He certainly used ballet to shape part of me.
((ps, ssshhh...i'm kinda always going to think of myself as a dancer. its totally illogical, but it shocks me when i have real friends who forget, or don't know b.c we met post-19 that i was a dancer lol. i don't think anybody who's never seen me dance can truly understand all of me.))