7.29.2012

.ukraine.

well here we go!
idk that anybody reads this besides abi, who's going with me...but just in case. i am off to the mountains of western Ukraine to hang out with orphans. =) craziness...funny who God uses no? please pray for our teams, both ukrainian and american that we'd have unity, humility, servant's hearts, physical/spiritual protection, and strength. and most of all, please pray that God captures the hearts of the kids! pray that we can show them the love of God, that He will give them faith to believe in a good God despite the difficult circumstances they will still have to endure, regardless of whether they believe or not. THANK YOU sooo much!

our God does the impossible!

see ya in mid august.

7.25.2012

set me aflame...for i no longer want to be entangled

running. tired, aching, every bone, muscle, tendon hurts. but i'm driven. driven to run by my heart so fiercely; physical feeling has ceased to have a voice. i have to get to You. can't breathe. oh how desperately i need you! do You hear? every inhale is sharp, slicing; as if tiny blades dwell on every oxygen molecule. i. NEED. {You}. oh God i'm desperate can you not see? i can't live without You near...can't breathe without my lungs ripping. every inhale shorter than the one before, subconsciously witholding breath because my brain automatically tries to prevent physical agony, but i'm oblivious. i know it like i know there's a sky above me--it has no significance. what difference does a sky make when you can't find who you can't live without? i can't survive without You...not because that sounds so romantic or i'm intellectually aware of it or i'm supposed to feel that way. but God. please hear me- i CANNOT live. without your presence. i can't. i can't function, can't see beauty and i can't eat and i can't sleep and i can't smile or feel or love or keep my head up, i can't bear existence.
i can't be.
without You here. near.
full out, widest stride possible. pumping my arms in pathetic rythym, hoping against hope i still have a kick left to give me a last burst of speed. ignore anything in my way. don't care if my body never recovers from this insane race. just wait, just turn around, just please don't leave me here.
i know, i know i am the one who left You...i know i put my eyes down. i was looking elsewhere, half-heartedly lazily wandering, eyes anywhere else...memory of that awful moment, of looking up and seeing nothing. just the dark shadow of the road ahead of me. realizing He's no longer next to me, no longer in front of me. the panic, the bitter remorse & empty fear of that moment propels me forward. i have nothing left to dig deeper from.
but i think, i hope, oh please let it be that You'll take me back. i know i've doubted Your promises but what if they're true? what if You don't promise with the intention of keeping but the surety of keeping? You do. i know. i believe. faithfulness...that's Your name. i don't care that i'm filthy, ragged; that You should turn me away. i don't care what i may lose. i don't care how much it hurts, i don't care what You do with me i just. have to get to You.
i'm barefoot. my feet are beyond blistered, to ripped open-and-bleeding. i've pounded them on concrete, grass, rocks. i can't feel. then. there is a rock face in front of me. sheer mountain side. impossible to go around, so high i cannot see the top. i can't climb it, but i try. i can't. i can't get myself up. what happened to Rescuer? why can't i get over this? now i'm like a maniac, totally out of my mind. running towards the rocks and slamming into them, trying to jump up to a handhold. falling. bleeding stinging sobbing. i have to, i have to get to You! You said You'd always be mine so why this wall? why won't You get me over it? or break it down or just shout or something, anything? i don't understand. all i know is i need You with an intensity greater than any i've ever known before; and i can't find You. i know i don't truly love You; but i want to, how can i if i can't get to You. why? desperate done frantic. can't stop trying, but mind over matter only lasts so long. collapse. for the first time, i see the road behind me.


pursued.
no words...i...You...
i don't have to get to You. You come to me...empty of words with a heart too full.


relief. too great too overwhelming.
i have been the worst traitor. i have betrayed the most faithful Lover. i have blamed my failures on a perfect One. i have mistrusted the most faithful, i doubted the most compassionate King. who freely gave His best, knowing it would be destroyed. He gave His only beloved, gave Him to another (me) who didn't value the gift but destroyed it...yet all i know is relief...the sweetness of His acting to save, follow, rescue, seek. and the Son? the beloved? He endured separation so severe i can't begin to comprehend it. He paid a cost i can't fathom, tasted bitterness i will never, ever, know. 
He pursues.

*this is what bellarive's song tendons inspires me too. as i cannot dance it out, in my room too small & cluttered with ukraine packing & family sleeping elsewhere...i just wrote what came. but its not really so much accurate. because some things don't have words. i tried. but how grateful i am God sees my heart. its ok that words fail to accurately portray. He sees. & He doesn't despise. astounding

my mouth is stopped, humbled,...and sometimes i wonder if that separation, that ripping & tearing was the real means of death. 

but all i know is sweet sweet relief. He's here. silent, but here. He never left...He has been pursuing me.  
there aren't words.
repentance & forgiveness & learning & growing will come...
but for now i just fall at the feet of the One who's been running behind me this entire time. Who's paid a far greater higher infintely more painful cost than i am capable of.
the hound of Heaven who pursues, truly.






7.23.2012

new strings

sitting outside on the back deck. hey Lord, i need You. quiet desperation-the peaceful but no less intense kind. NEED You to be with me. go with me? You have emptied me & its good b.c all i was filled with was pride&me&trying to fix things i can't. but now i, i have nothing. i cannot love serve give be Your hands&feet&heart lest You put some Spirit in this empty vessel. ukraine. thoughts of orphans & already wanting to bring one home. home-thoughts of starting anew & school & change & actually taking steps toward what i've thought-known-believed i'd spend my life doing since i was 8-9-10 (?)  Your daughter is really small. o Rescuer, please see me, slammed over n over against the spiritual wall. i've been trying to rest in You but it's been a beating week. i'm overwhelmed undone too small. for all of this. fresh water dripping from the sky. salt water sliding down my face, mingling with the dampish-becoming-drenchish fabric of my dress.

inside, trying to sneak downstairs before mum notices the sloshed footprints on wood.
brother's room is open.
the acoustic guitar is having surgery. the one that is a lil banged, with strings too used & worn to hold thier tune. he doesn't play acoustic right now, all his songs for summer band camp are electric.
but there is the floor, holding strings& bolts & a bent blondish head.

my heart aches. in a good way, the way it does when love breaks in. (ok maybe i'm the only person that gets good hurt in my heart but i'm strange. my heart is certainly unique in its behavior)

robin hood is re-stringing his guitar, patiently tuning the new strings. spending time out of his sunday afternoon
for me.
i'm the only one that uses the acoustic right now. and i don't even do a good job of it, but it helps me fight for joy. when i don't have words to pray or the strength or desire to read the Word. i pretty much always have the desire to work on my chording and callousing. i always end up with joy & gratitude in my heart. singing routs demons. playing, even without singing, is a pretty decent weapon that brings stillness and peace.

new strings make life beautiful. new strings say, i know sometimes your smiles are hard-won, i know sometimes you still have rough days and i know you're a little battle-weary so i'm in the fight with you.
new strings are love. better than words.