10.01.2012

not procrastinating. can't write scientific data w/o unleashing a lil heartspeak*

dude, this cracked me up! (maybe study brain + exhorbitant amounts of coffee, idk. but i lol'd):
Mr. Darcy: hey, I just met you

Mr. Darcy: and this this crazy

Mr. Darcy: but I’m going to act coldly distant to you for a long time, then awkwardly admit my undying love to you and save you from liking a horrible liar and gambler, then propose to you, telling you I love you not for your beauty but for your mind.

Mr. Darcy: so call me maybe.
from: modern hepburn
then this *still* feels like solid truth! :

seriously. when i'm antsy & restless & adhd. when i'm being stupid & emotional (or validly emotional). when i'm thinking hard n sorting something out...that's when i miss dance the most. my body still HAS to move! absolutely has to relieves stress physically. sometimes i feel suffocated, chained, trapped by my own phyisical limitations and the lack of space for whirling about. 

i miss (all of dance). achingly so. silly as it is. i miss the tedium, pain, i'll-never-look-gorgeous-and-that's-the-whole-objective-so-i-hate-this-but-i'ma-try-anyway of pointe--it taught me discipline. i miss the space, physicality, flowing-with-music of lyrical/modern & kendall choreagraphy-it taught me how to let go of control. i miss the strengthening & hard work of barre-it taught me laziness in seemingly insignificant, small areas will always show itself later (learned the hard way-took 7 yrs of dancing to apply myself 100% in barre) i miss centre floor-turns being my biggest weakness taught me that practice is a must; frustration & failure have to be mentally overcome. i miss the agonizing slowness that became victory of leg & balance work-(whatsitcalled?) taught me patience & mind over matter. oh-one thing i don't miss! i don't miss petite allegro. all that taught me was that my legs get shin splints no matter HOW much i stretch or work out! i miss grande allegro, oh do i miss the flight sensation, speed, powerful grace of it--especially leaps! those rare moments when every.single.part. of body obeyed mind-not a muscle, finger or toe out of place... enabling me to steal a second from gravity...that moment of "hang" was euphoria like nothing else on earth. that taught me God does give natural inclinations; but that doesn't mean "good" comes effortlessly. being "good" takes gifting AND hard work. i miss the comfort, beautiful-hurt & relaxation of real, lengthy stretching--that taught me to breathe.

mostly i miss the dancing my heart out on my own; the freedom, vulnerability & raw honesty before my God that i learned first via dancing.

i've learned to get my heart out in writing instead--that freedom to pour out my heart before Him & not shrink from exposing to myself all its ugliness has transferred to pen or voice. i'm learning to attempt verbal expression of what's *really* going on in my heart-head to the people closest...but dang i still think some days life would be easier if i could dance it out! i miss the constancy of it. i miss the relief of dancing my way out of worry into worship. i miss leaving my ish at the studio door. (k that didn't always happen...some of them were part n parcel to it--but i at least got physically exhausted enough or into the music/movement enough to forget them)

i miss the absolute perfect sleep that came after dancing to my limit of physical exhaustion>> then pushing through that for a few more hours, stretching muscles most people didn't even know they had farther than any human body should. (so i've come to find out. i'm still shocked when people can't touch their toes lol)

its all good. i know God's closed that season of life, and i'm alright with it. deep down, i know His ways are higher, better, perfect. if He's written the final words of that chapter, than praise be that He gave me a body capable of it for 13 not-always-but-sometimes-glorious years. He certainly used ballet to shape part of me.
((ps, ssshhh...i'm kinda always going to think of myself as a dancer. its totally illogical, but it shocks me when i have real friends who forget, or don't know b.c we met post-19 that i was a dancer lol. i don't think anybody who's never seen me dance can truly understand all of me.))

1 comment:

DearVoid said...

yes yes and amen