flying solo

I love traveling by myself. I mean, I love traveling period! :) don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the bonding & camaraderie that develops en route to another country with teammates. (Short group flights are just boring, lets road trip those instead) when you've got multiple airports & a bunch of exhausted excited people it's hilarity waiting to happen! you also get to see how folks respond in tense or high stress situations when they're tired. good things to know pre-mission haha. so that's prob second fave flying...

flying solo. there's a sense of freedom, possibility & adventure when one is alone that isn't there any other time. it's my favorite! I love watching people & creating stories from clues about where they're going. I love one-time conversations with strangers about where they are from/going & why. I thank God for Starbucks, wifi & books.
speaking of...the guy in the last plane was reading a book called creating a missional culture so I asked him if it was good. he's from a leadership training group that travels internationally & helps local pastors in places like South Asia & Africa set up resources to train leaders in their own church community & network & culture. so cool yeah?! we kinda chatted & he asked me if I'd read a book like that and I said yes, it's actually a question I wrestle with: how can the church be more missional & culturally engaging in a way that's loving, gracious, relatable but not wimpy or watery? he was like uh you've thought about this eh? and then he gave it to me!!! :0 crazy.

but guess why i am so uber happy this trip? more even than just the wanderlust side of me that is thrilled by all things map related? I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE MY DEAREST BEKS!!!! hejdjdsjdjej!! hip hip hooray! I miss this woman so much it actually hurts at times. gah so happy I get to see her, talk face to face, tackle her... ;) glad I get to see Kim & Vi & Matt and meet Destiny and the boy, who've I decided to call Rhyno since he's built like one. hahaha.

that's all. sitting here in Detroit halfway through my 3 hr layover with a lil eminem playin', running on the little sleep i got between 2:33 & 5:49 am so pardon the oddballness...cheers!



dear child,
I have an awful lot of questions. that I can't answer...maybe you can, but would you? i don't even know if you *can* give me a real answer. nobody else seems to have asked & i feel like if you'd thought of them, i wouldn't see so much shadow & confusion in your face.
if I could...
where is your heart?
what are you thinking? i can't change it & I'm not gonna try. I just want to understand your thought process.
what do you want?
who are you?
no really. what do you define yourself as, & by? what do you |want| to define you? (because what we want to, & what actually does; sometimes differ) {who} defines you? whose approval matters the most, and why is it so dear to you?

_why are your eyes hollow_

why is your spirit defeated & stifled? why are you...lost?

baby why oh why would you walk into darkness when you've fought so hard, when Christ suffered so much? can you forget the to sacrifices, both yours & His? the blood sweat & miracles that gave you life? why this dancing on the edge of scars waiting to be formed, of hardships you don't have to walk through, of doors that yes & amen you will be rescued from but which can still give ammo to your enemy long after Christ's healing freeing redemption?

do you not see that you hold are manacles? do you not remember how fiercely you regretted the bruises they left? did you catch these chains when they were broken, afraid to truly let them fall & shatter? or did you pick them up again? have you been holding them this whole time? did you never walk into your freedom? did somebody slip them to you pretending they were treasures?

please. don't hold them anymore love. don't let your heart keep suffocating.
can I give you tinder? my own heart is barely a flame. I'm sorry. sorry that I too have danced in this wilderness with these shadows, sorry my own heart is just beginning to recover & burn again. I don't have any fire to warm you with...but I can you give a spark.

is there any way. to wake up the heart that's dead& buried under layers of tough, harsh, fake bravado & denial? I've been there, I recognize it. do you?

I wish. you would listen. I asked myself these questions last year, fueled by a probing friend. God saved my life through the agonizing process of answering w/ brutal open honesty. it took time. it hurt--oh did it sting! but it was my salvation. it became the most beautiful fearless exuberant season. & I wish you could see thats my heart for you. i want you to finally, fully surrender. to stop trying so hard, & find the stability of accepting who you are in Christ. to see it as it is: beautiful. whole. strong. capable. humbly obedient--&therefore powerful. free. I wish you could catch a glimpse of the joy, delight, peace, steadfastness, clarity of vision, passion & infinite hope of glory that God wants for you. I wish you could see His burning heart for you. that bleeds when yours does.



true story

                                                                   hello, my old heart 
                                                                  how have you been? 
are you still there inside my chest? 
I've been so worried 
you've been so still 
barely beating at all 

oh, don't leave me here alone 
don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while 
oh, I don't want to be alone 
I want to find a home and I want to share it with you 

hello, my old heart 
it's been so long 
since I've given you away 
and every day I add another stone 
to the walls I built around you 
to keep you safe 

hello, my old heart 
how have you been? 
how is it, being locked away? 
don't you worry 
in there, you're safe 
and it's true you'll never beat, but you'll never break 

because nothing lasts forever 
some things aren't meant to be 
but you'll never find the answers 
until you set your old heart free

                                                            hello my old heart//oh hellos's
today's theme song.


i don't know the context of this.
but i feel like my intellectual logical mind and my burning feeling passionate heart would rip myself to shreds if i had not Christ to keep me. to give perspective.

so when i saw this i had to steal it. cause yeah. its me. people tend to think i'm a lil radical & free spirit & crazy & really, is life so very important?
but there's no lie in my fire.
i actually do think & feel that the beautiful things make my heart sing. & the horrible things make me lose oxygen.

that's all.

don't you love how i destroyed a lovely quote by explaining it to pieces?
damn mind.



i am not enough.

i am (fragile) and breaking, my heart is bleeding through. the blood dripped slowly yesterday, just a few spots. but it grows more, and tonight is coloured crimson. i feel like all i do is colored by the stream pouring forth with every beat. how can i focus on graphing? life is so much greater, heavier than school. yet at school nobody noticed. somehow, keeping my thoughts locked in a box mentally has been working. my heart refuses to seal itself but even i failed to notice when the drops became streams. i've been able to compartmentalize. its how i functioned today. i used to go whole days, weeks like this. i locked hurts from my teen years up so tight they didn't see the light of day until i was 22 and a very brave foolish boy insisted on dragging them into the light. cause somehow he knew those sealed boxes were the reason my heart was sealed shut. dead. dusty. cold.

i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to bury, shut down, not feel and destroy my heart again.
i have to function. i cannot just stop living because i hear heart-wrenching news about someone i haven't seen in a year. i can't take the time to let myself cycle through the anger and forgiveness and the where are you God? process. how am i supposed to live? half living. i can't change my heart-it feels or it dies. how terribly inconvenient. how i hate most of all my heart's behavior! i've tried to deny who i am. i've tried to not think so much, not feel so deeply. but God's given me an incredibly supernatural ability to love, to put myself in another's shoes, to feel what they feel. it seems this is the flip side of that gift. tends to lead to me feeling & hurting an awful lot...i probably shouldn't fight it. probably should just let Him grow & mature this gift and hope that leads to easierness? at least less intensity...

well. here it is 11:46pm and due to technology's failure, i have 4 math lab lessons + an online test due in 12 hours. in 5.5 my day begins with coffee and stars over the highway.
but the thoughts i wasn't going to deal with are moving so violently. the box is ripping at the seams, and my heart stains everything around me. so here i am writing this out, praying for children who are no longer innocent and admitting i'm not a stone. this girl ain't strong. she's not untouchable. my heart hurts for the people of boston. but oh it was already rent for people i know. for faces, names. God what am i supposed to do?

i want to smash something. i want to scream at evil and go into the ring against it and settle this war once and for all. give me a bat or a sword or my own two fists. i'd rather be taken out now, go down fighting and get a few good solid hits in than keep dragging this out. this heartwrenching dance with evil & hope, light & dark, prince of lies & ever so mightier King of truth.
i don't understand why we wait.
i don't understand how ashes lead to new birth, new life.
i don't know how to hope when some stories don't end with miracles.
i'm afraid. afraid to have faith.

its too soon i can't make that leap. i can't even see. i'm still stuck on oh God why. oh God why did you not rescue them sooner? but i have too. if i want to be God's feet, hands, heart; if i want to see the maybe miracles i have to say "Your ways are good & higher, Your ways are soveriegn." and leave it at that. click off further thought. change to hear and now. do well in school. frustratingly stupid as it seems...i HAVE to think clearly. i have to focus. i can't throw away all the hard work of this semester just because my pathetically soft heart is strangled.

the Cross.
how quickly i forget.
how it changes everything.
He bled... heart-mind-body scarlet through and through. He made miracles real. He heals with His own wounds. the King of Glory has a physical body. He was permanently changed by His love for sinners. 
Oh, Your Cross, how it changes everything!


how to fall in love

i want to *really* be in love with Jesus. i want to rejoice in Who He is. i want to be satisfied & delighted in Him. i used to actually rejoice in moments when choosing Him wasn't easy, because then i knew it was real. moments when i saw clearly that my seemingly insignificant actions were choosing who's opinions mattered the most to me, it wasn't easy and i lost sometimes. but it was...alive. it was the sacrifices, joys ins and outs of love.

well. you can't force love. but the best way to make room for it & invite it? sharing time//space. know them. for me, its in the littlest things. its seeing the heart & soul of a person as they interact with others. its all the unconscious movements & choices & themness. at least for me. how can i do that with God? i can't see Him. but i can read His letters over n over, i can see His glory reflected in creation, & His nature in people.

anyway. screw my feelings. i don't "feel" very in love? well. if that's not the ultimate answer for human relationships why am i making it that way with God's? didn't He create this heart? and oh, how i am convinced of His never-giving up love for me. which means He's not going to let me ever grow truly cold. He has my heart fully. & He'll warm my feelings to flames again. the spark is there, & the fire burns ever so small...i want to start reciting Who He is to myself. instead of analytically thinking.

this might be the worst post i've ever written. oh well. just needed a little puke sesh.