the cry of my heart

TRUST in the LORD with ALL your HEART,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In ALL your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones...

My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
or be weary of his reproof,

for the LORD reproves him whom he LOVES,
as a father the son in whom he delights.

O Father, do this work in me! continue to reveal when i am placing my hope in myself, in circumstances, in others. lead me to repentance, and sing over me louder than the devil's lies of condemnation. thank you that when i come to you, i am forgiven. freely, immediatly, forever! justified by grace. sanctified by grace. please, give me a heart that loves you and rests in your Soveriegn goodness. i need you. i cannot help myself, i cannot make myself rest.

O God, thank you! i believe You are leading me to a sweet place of rest. of trusting, of joy, of peace. oh the thought of peace...



i'm seeing a bit of my Father's purpose. its heart-wrenchingly good. He's revealing deep-rooted sin. painfully relieving. like poison being drawn out, it's a deep healing that hurts awfully but will be the end of the wound. i absolutely cannot continue in the lies i believe. but i absolutely cannot free myself. He must!
oh! if i come to be fully surrendered, no price is too great! if i come to truly love God, how worth it! if He will take mental assent, intellectual belief & impart it to my halting, self-reliant, security-seeking heart! I need HiM to break strongholds of fear & doubt in my mind. the question of His goodness, can i really trust Him? is a battle i've won in my head. but now it gets to the core of my being. & my heart is unsure of Him whom i have believed.

i don't doubt He has saved me! i have far too many proofs. i've seen Jesus, i've believed His love & loved Him (but poorly). if sure of salvation (my greatest need!) logic says i can be sure of the rest. ah, but God wants more than logical conclusions. He wants faith. news flash: i cannot move truth from head to heart. CANNOT. not in a cop-out, oh hey i'm going to lay around in my sin way. no, my sin is literally killing me & suffocating every good thing in life. i'd do anything to be free but i can't "do" anything. aaahh mental breakdown! it's a process, & my Father has perfect loving timing. HE must do it. that is terrifying, when it should be comforting. someday it will be!

i feel like i'm having spiritual triple bypass surgery. even though i had a dim awareness of these things, i'm seeing the havoc they wreak on me in a greater depth. i see my heart:

*has functionally set itself up as God and defined "goodness".
-which results in taking on responsibility for everything & everyone around me. carrying burdens that are God's. striving with Him. no peace, no rest, no joy.

*is having a crises of faith that only divine intervention will solve.
-i see and repent of a new lie everyday. lies about His character, His glory, etc.

*i live as if i earn everything after salvation.
"you've been working too hard, & God is saying stop! my burden is easy..."
now i believe in justification by faith. NO way i could earn my salvation! never a thought of trying to pay God that debt. but sanctification? that's by me. Jesus dies to save me, then everything after is my job. HOW have i not seen this before?!
"Let me ask you only this: did you the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" (gal 3)

He is faithful. He forgives when we repent! i've cast myself on His mercy. now i have to learn to just follow. trust that HE will keep me from slipping back into my old ways. it's like learning to think all over again! sweet sweet news, Christ died for all my sins AND every obedience. ALL the good things I have in Christ? FREE. imparted by God just as salvation. sanctification is HIS work. i just rest. He will do this work. and every work hereafter. He has brought me to the utter end of myself. (well, i've thought that a few times before this lol. i guess when one has a will as stubborn as mine there is an awful lot of levels one must be broken on) but this is surely the most intense yet. i am grateful, for i know. the FREEDOM JOY LIBERTY PEACE & ASSURANCE OF HIS LOVE that He will pour in as a result will be like nothing i've known before. i have prayed and longed for rest, for true peace. i cannot have true peace until i am His.
i will look back on this one day and say, "here is why i know, not just in my head, but in every fiber of myself, that my Jesus is good." & i just had to get that out. but i can't focus on what God is doing in me or i get overwhelmed, overthinking, freak out. i just want to focus on Him. On his LOVE for me. it's all that holds me up right now.


In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me!
Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily!
Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!

For you are my rock and my fortress;
and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me;
you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hand I commit my spirit;
you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.

I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,
but I trust in the LORD.
I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.

Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away...

But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hand;
rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!
Make your face shine on your servant;
save me in your steadfast love!
O LORD, let me not be put to shame,
for I call upon you...

Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
In the cover of your presence you hide them
from the plots of men;
you store them in your shelter
from the strife of tongues.

Blessed be the LORD,
for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me
when I was in a besieged city.
I had said in my alarm, “I am cut off from your sight.”
But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy
when I cried to you for help.

Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!
((psalm 31.1-10, 14-17a, 19-24))


(hello january)

writing is hard these days.
((honestly, everything is hard these days. not because of trial or tragedy but just mentally. life is work. "these days" being the past week & a half))
i write to be honest. if there is one thing this space is, it's the corner of my world where i don't restrain myself. i let my heart & mind breathe & exhale. i try to preach back to it some truth when it is going it's own wrong way. i hope God makes His work known & seen! yet i know there is much of sin & ugliness here. i don't say all the right things. even though i know them and fight to believe them, it doesn't seem honest to say what i am failing to live. i admit idolatry & doubting faithlessness. oh, but does that not prove how very very faithful He is? that He still loves-saves-keeps this child...i am still under construction. still putting off my nasty old self, and learning how to put on my new loving one. i'm becoming a better reflection of Christ--but all by His work. sometimes I stubbornly resist. anyway.
point being: not much to say, when you are committed to honesty; and unsure of most things.
i am unsure of my mind.
i'm not sure if things i think and feel really ARE the things i think and feel. these days. lol not because i don't know myself, but cause i do; (or thought i did) and often what comes out of my mouth surprises me. i don't feel like me at all.
i'm not sure what's going on with my body or my mind.
not sure what God is doing in my heart. through this.
not sure what is physiological, what is spiritual. not sure how this whole mind-body-soul thing, this being that is physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual is supposed to work. fairly sure it is broken. not sure how, where or why. definitely unsure how it will be fixed. a little frightened. a lot unwell.

there are a few things i am still CERTAiN of. what a lovely word, certainty!
God is GOOD. always, better-than-i-can-fathom good. the embodiment of goodness itself.
HE defines goodness. i do not. i can trust His definition to be better than mine.
God is SOVEREIGN. He sees all of me. He knows what is wrong, even if doctors don't. He is my Creator and my Healer. He holds me together. even when i seem to be falling completely apart, He still sustains my soul.
He is FAITHFUL. He will never never never EVER let me go. no matter what. i know Whom i have believed, and i will see His face. not only will i make it, i have a future of purpose and fruitfulness on earth. He does not save a life only to let it be wasted.
He keeps His promises. every prophecy about the Messiah? met. completed. every promise for redemption, healing, salvation? finished with the life-death-resurrection of Jesus Christ. THAT proves that my God keeps His word. every single Word of His is truth. every promise will be kept, and i am now a child of the promise! (romans & hebrews)

those are absolute truths. i am not always sure of them. not mentally, or emotionally. i wonder, i doubt, "how do i know?" but. their existence is not dependent on my belief!! they are true whether i "know" or not. they are as solid, more so even, as the very ground i live on. i fight to be sure. and my soul knows. my heart has absolute faith in the One Who loves it. it doesn't need any further proof. even when i haven't the ability to pray for myself, i have a tiny spark of peace & hope deep down. God has me.
those truths are what i cling to when i feel i'm losing my mind. when i can't think a single coherent thought. when i have no reason to cry, but i'm physically & mentally incapable of self control and so i sob. (feel like an idiot. but i'm too tired to get mad at myself anymore. it doesn't give me any control over my tears lol) "God is good" shines through panic like a deep, even breath. it's strength in my utter helpless weakness. its a steady beam of light that cuts through tempest winds & dark dark rain. that truth alone, is an anchor i can grasp. it keeps me from drowning--i may *feel* like i'm upside down in a kayak in the middle of the ocean during a hurricane. but somehow, i know i won't drown. there is a good purpose. i'll be grateful, someday.
i can't see how. but i don't have to.
this will turn out for my deliverance.