who do i fear

"Fear of man is a horrible way to live. It’s absolute bondage. Our idols own us. They own us, they control us, they dictate the directions of our lives and the impulses of our hearts. Our idols get a grip on us and nothing will get a grip harder than this one: the fear of man. It will tell you how to think, it will tell you what to feel, it will tell you how to act, it will tell you what to wear, it will tell you when to laugh, it will tell you what to be… We will use people to make us feel right, to justify our existence, to escape our insecurities and to gain a verdict that we are desperate for [that says we are valuable]. We’re trusting in other people, using them to heal us, validate us, to restore to us our glory. To save us."

— JR Vassar (via modernhepburn)

^"The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people and took from them for their daily ration forty shekels of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people. But I did not do so, because of the fear of God." Nehemiah 5.15

been really digging into Nehemiah lately, and today i got back into it. sooo much. so much richness and so very where i am. so very what i need. duh. God's words are living water & sword edge & fire breathing...
there's an awful lot i want to write about this man that had it together. so much that parallels my life right now. so much God's using to convict & shape this heart. but short on time so today i'ma just say:

i want to fear God more than i fear man.

i want GOD's opinion to matter most,

i want His favor.

i want God's opinion to be the FIRST that i seek. more so than my pastors', my parents', my friends', or any other source. not in a arrogant "i don't need counsel" way. but from a "i have to know what GOD says about this for myself" way.
i want to have God's approval.
and i want to value it. i want to know i am walking with Him--and have that be enough.
i want the joy-peace-discernment-courage that comes from seeking Jesus first. aaaww WHY CAN'T I STAY THERE??!! i hit my stride, i start running with Him close and then...
i look away or
get bored or
seek to run by somebody else or
estimate my stride with another's or
get distracted by a lemonade stand...i can't ever seem to stay with Him. despite the fact that "i know of no other lover that would have met me in this place" despite His faithful passionate pursuit.

i don't want to flirt with temptation, checking out the bait on the hook.
i don't want to see how much i can let the world define me and stay safe. 
i don't want to blur my lines and edges and fit in.

Jesus, take my heart. rip these tendons. make me \yours\. and forgive my cringing at the cost of those words, forgive my holding back, forgive my squemishness & distrust of You.