i just read abigail's latest Ukraine post.
conviction much? i too, have certain things where i have been knocking. and i haven't pushed through until God changes my heart--because i don't want him too. well i do, i really do! mmm, or maybe not so much? my actions would testify to the latter.
i don't want an answer.
because it won't come easily. it won't be all glory and light and peace. it will be hard-fought.
it's going to take wrestling, and probably dig up some pain.
healing is always painful here on the broken earth.
guess i know what i'll be doing tonight.
but also
hooray! i've needed a catalyst. hooray for Jesus using people, for Jesus taking my sin to it's end. bearing the horrendous wrath i've earned. for declaring me righteous by His blood. so that i can approach the throne, for fellowship with God as Father. hooray that i know He'll do a good work. hooray that indwelling sin truly is beaten, just not vanquished yet.
so much to be grateful for!!


allowing myself to feel. is hard work.

((i wrote this in march 2009. found it today. i remember being there. & i'm not anymore. but. think i'll always wrestle with not wanting to feel. always fight my natural tendencies to internalize, shut off my heart, run emotion through the filter of logicness. force my heart to obey my head. some things are easier to be biblical [and human] about than others. i know as the Lord grows me, it'll be easier. maybe someday it can be a strength? idk.))

“...We may know the right answer. And yet we don’t know it. It is a hard answer. But we make it sound like a pat answer. God sets about a long slow answering. But we try to make it a quick fix. His answer insists on being lived out over time and into the particulars. We act as if just saying the right words makes it so. God’s answer insists on changing you into a different kind of person. But we act as if some truth, principle, strategy, or perspective might simply be incorporated into who we already are. God personalizes his answer on hearts with uncanny flexibility. But we turn it into a formula: “If you just believe__________.” If you just do_______. If you just remember_____.” No important truth ever contains the word “just” in the punch line.”

“If you do not feel the weight or knife-edge of what is happening, you are a stone, not a human being. Image-bearers of God are not impervious. ”

“Honesty is able to feel the weight of things that arouse fear and dismay. The problem is not that we feel troubled by trouble and pained by pain. Something hurtful should hurt. The problem is that God slides away into irrelevance when we obsess over suffering or compulsively avoid it.”
-David Powlison.

pretty much. there it is. every day i am grateful for the gospel. every day there is hope and joy present because of the KiNDNESS of God. but some days there is also weight. i want to be a stone some days. i am uncomfortable with the amount of emotion in my heart and how it works its way out to my sleeve. i am not used to being near tears so much. i want to flip off the emotions switch, to go back to the comfort zone of keeping it all neatly locked away.

guess what.

i don't think that is what God wants.

i think God wants me to be honest. to stop being afraid that natural sorrow will become sinful bitterness, doubt, or self-pity before i have a chance to fight it. i'm pretty sure that He who called me is strong enough to keep me from falling into darkness.


found this the other day & it made me laugh. so funny. except i don't really like "charming". its a little snake-like. too smooth = sketch. def don't agree with all of these (stand up when i come to the table, what, like i'm the queen or something? please don't! lol) but it's fun. i need some fun around here. espesh b/c when Abigail returns to me, she'll get a kick out of this. Abs we should do our own list... mine would be way shorter. keep 1. 2's big, but i can kill my own bugs. 5-6 so true. then all you need is loving Jesus & putting up with my fam & something about fishing. right abs? ;)

15 Ways to Charm Her
Southern Living, July 2009 By Amy Bickers
“Want to impress a Southern girl? Just think “What would my grandfather have done?”
Number one: We still expect you to give up your seat for a lady. On a bus, at a bar, on a train. . . we don’t care where you are. Unless you are at a restaurant and the only lady in sight is the one taking your order, stand up...So, men, here’s a short list of things Southern girls still expect from you.

We still expect you to…

  1. Stand up for a lady. Actually, this doesn’t just involve chairs.
  2. Know that the SEC has the best football TEAMS IN THE NATION. Big 12 fan? Hmm, perhaps you should keep walking.
  3. Kill bugs.
  4. Hold doors open. This goes for elevator doors too.
  5. Fix things or build stuff. I once watched in awe as my stepfather built a front porch on the house he shares with my mother. He knew just what to do, cutting every notch, hammering every nail. The project was complete by sunset.
  6. Wear boots occasionally. Not the fancy, I-paid-$l,000-for-these kind. We’re talking about slightly mud-crusted, I-could-have-just-come-in-from-the-field boots.
  7. Take off your hat inside.
  8. Grill stuff.
  9. Call us. If you want to ask us out, don’t text and don’t e-mail. Pick up the phone and use your voice.
  10. Stand when we come back to the dinner table.
  11. Pull out chairs. Wait, that’s not all. Scoot them back in before we hit the floor.
  12. Pay the tab on the first few dates.
  13. Don’t show up in a wrinkled, untucked shirt. Care about your appearance but not too much. Don’t smell better than we do. Don’t use mousse or gel. You shouldn’t look like you spend more time in front of the mirror than we do.
  14. Never get in bar fights. Patrick Swayze might look cool in Road House, but in reality, bar fights are stupid and embarrassing. You don’t look tough. You look like an idiot.
  15. Know how to mix our favorite cocktail JUST THE WAY WE LIKE IT. Fix your favorite too. Sit down on the porch (it’s okay if you didn’t build it), tell us how your day went, and we’ll tell you about ours..."


i should be sleeping

the sun is going to come up much too early for my tired self tomorrow. but i can't sleep. or read. maybe if i toss scattered ramblish out of my head. sleep might show up.

i danced my heart out today. after dancing out other things, my heart finally showed up. i don't know if it's from not taking lessons anymore. or from having what feels like an old and fading body. but.
it's becoming hard to really dance with my heart. i'm forgetting how to be free. my head gets total control. so distracting. "um you call that a develope en second? your leg's closer to the floor than the ceiling! you haven't taken lessons in some 4 years...choreography please? something decent? ouch! okay maybe shouldn't try decent when your muscles are cold& unstretched...what the hell was that?!...etc"

ugh. constant chatter. you'd think i was conscious of an audience. instead of having a whole house to myself...eventually i got to the sweet spot. of forgetting myself. not visualizing. just feelin the music. the liberty of. who cares if it looks like shit. don't think. don't try to make it choreography. lets not pretend we can actually dance anymore, and just move. however the music flows, and dance out whatever you feel. that place, is lovely. so very free. free in a way words won't ever set me. in a Jesus inviting way. in a yes, i want God to be in control not me.
except for the super sore left hamstring, aching back, shaky muscles after only 25 min of cardio. ick. out of shape much?

and i sorta got this weirdo click. that what a picture of how i live my dance process is. i'm so odd. but hey that's why this is my ramblish place. so i can say whatev & not have to attempt sensicalness.
anyway. i think too damn much.
no really.
when i should just let go. trust Jesus to have my heart. I try to keep myself from sinning. i can't. i should just trust! Him whom i have believed. i analyze my motives. i try to not feel things because i can't really analyze them. haha. and because they never quite make sense to me.
my heart and my head are always disagreeing... i'm part logic //part emotion. part introvert //part extrovert. part structure & control //part abstract free spirit who makes plans just to break them. my heart. my head. always fighting. for control. of me.
kinda over it.
kinda want to just stop.
and breathe.
and not think.
and let Jesus have the control.

shocker. i'm here what, every six months yes? oh to be free from sinning. & humanity. the fallen part anyway...


innocent.(one whose innocence was lost, but restored)

i would like to be six again. yes please? i'd crawl into my parents bed, and just being between them would be enough to fight the monsters in my head. my imagination would be stilled. by the safety of loving sleeping strength. all the vivid images i'd conjured up would die, and i'd sleep. in peace.

i actually don't think i ever did that at 6. but at 23 i wish it was so simple. there aren't monsters in my head, there's an enemy who is quite a match for me. who tells me lies i cannot fight. and apparently, tonight, no amount of praying or scripture reading or worship music is fighting either.

peace? i have peace in knowing my salvation is eternal. that Jesus does have my soul, that He must be with me because i have no new scars on my body. i am not carving the torment of my mind onto my skin, hallelujah! there is one small victory! i know the gospel is true. i am forgiven. i am, in reality, ok. more than ok!

but peace, the feeling of peace, is anything but here. i'm shattered. in a way i haven't been in a very long time, not in years of warfare. it's pathetic. in the past 3.5 hours the trickle of tears comes in waves with the darts. i didn't know i could cry this much in one sitting, at such a small thing... overreaction much? i'm not just letting the devil have his say. i am believing that Jesus has to be the One to defeat Him. I'm battling with the gospel. With logic. With prayer & song. With ok so worst case scenario, it's not a lie; well Jesus still yours, you are his; it's not the end of you!
but. i am so tired of getting hit.
i am so tired of how satan uses. against me! the word.
those who are my brothers & sisters, fellow warriors.

but. HE LIES.
i am alone. this is a battle i have to cling to Jesus alone in. My parents, my besties, my boy, nobody can get in this one with me. i KNOW Jesus is here. but i know how bitterly abandoned david felt when he was writing psalms 86 &88. O Lord. when will you save me? how many times must i cast myself on your mercy, begging you to stop the lies that have the pain of past reality entwined. the voice that reminds me of my past sins so sharply, it's as if he is scraping glass along my skin. it makes me so grateful that i know. know. beyond a doubt. i am forgiven!! but oh how i long for a forgetting. to cast it from east to west, to not have to every 5 minutes plead the blood of my precious Christ. to not have pictures in my head.
lies can hurt so fiercely. slay me. when nothing else gets close. such a little one too! how often have we done this? how often have i stood accused? & heard Paul declare the promise of God that NONE can condemn those HE has justified? so why is it different this time? it's shameful how weak i am. how easily shattered by a few words. words,thoughts. wielded like a sword. my shield keeps the blows from being mortal.
but allows bruises.

i cannot wait for dawn. for light. for seeing the Savior one day (oh soon please!) as He stands in Rev 19. As i know He has stood with me. silently. unfelt. but there, supporting sustaining saving. saving His little lamb, who feels anything but worth saving.