wild melody

i LOVE being southern! no really. i identify myself with the south almost as much as i claim irishness and ballet in my dna... i know folks say florida isn't really southern, not in a deep south cultural sense. there is truth in that...orlando is decidedly un-southern. ugh. the closest you can get to a southern atmosphere in downtown orlando, or near orlando for that matter, is if you bring it with you. like going with my friend Mo who's 'bama accent, charm & mannerisms drip southern climate. thankfully, the farther north you go the more southern you are. jacksonville feels more southern than orlando. and several miles south of the georgia or alabama border you're as southern as it gits. but somehow, i've claimed southern identity. i have quirks of thinking that have become almost rules in my mind. probably fed by growing up on Southern Living , To Kill a Mockingbird , yes ma'am &loyalty to family & country. being a primary babysitter during my teens

well since i'm going to be pulling an all nighter, may as well write myself out eh? i'm just going to pretend that this is still my own hidden space. let loose all i've been restraining, say whatever i want. not consider how it might be taken. i need some breathing space! i need room. so i'm making some right now, except... i. hate. words. no really. i'm not any good at math, but at least numbers themselves don't make me feel stupid. there are only 0-9 after all. in an infinite number of combinations, true. but nobody thinks when you say "twenty" that you mean "eleven". everyone knows you mean twenty ones, two tens, four fives. it's concrete. nobody misunderstands you. the effort you put forth is rewarded in correct understanding of the answer to the equation. unless you have dis-calculi, in which case you most likely read the equation backwards...different subject. i'm much better at talking than i am math. but words are just like li

be still, my soul, and wait before the Lord... HE will act, He will fight for you, and you have only to be still. HE is GOD. ^ ((i am not.))

alright. so if i'm going to be completely honest, that last post was a cop out...haha. i relate more to the song wounded right now. because i feel like God began something, i feel like He was breaking me. then stopped. left. Left me here with a heart still partly stone, cracked and bleeding, and i have no way to make it whole. i've tried a million band aids and scriptures and prayers and everything under the sun. i've tried pretending i was already whole. i've tried faking it. i've tried thinking i'm crazy psycho with a wierd victim complex. i've pretended i had an unbreakable heart. then i tried honesty... nothing. i KNOW i'm not abandoned. i know He hears me, he speaks through people and His Word. His kindness in evident in so many little everyday mercies. He is not "silent", as some would use the term. but when i sit before Him in silence. it stays silent. that is a silence i am not used to. that is the most painful thing i have ever felt o

the father of lies Coming to steal Kill and destroy All my hopes of being good enough I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right Alleluia he’s right! The devil is preaching The song of the redeemed That I am cursed and gone astray I cannot gain salvation Embracing accusation Could the father of lies Be telling the truth Of God to me tonight? If the penalty of sin is death Then death is mine I hear him saying cursed are the ones Who can’t abide He’s right Alleluia he’s right! Oh the devil’s singing over me An age old song That I am cursed and gone astray Singing the first verse so conveniently He’s forgotten the refrain Jesus saves! shane and shane//embracing accusations. although if i'm to be honest, wounded by them hits where i'm at just as much...