9.28.2011

sweet tea & front porches


i LOVE being southern!
no really. i identify myself with the south almost as much as i claim irishness and ballet in my dna...
i know folks say florida isn't really southern, not in a deep south cultural sense. there is truth in that...orlando is decidedly un-southern. ugh. the closest you can get to a southern atmosphere in downtown orlando, or near orlando for that matter, is if you bring it with you. like going with my friend Mo who's 'bama accent, charm & mannerisms drip southern climate. thankfully, the farther north you go the more southern you are. jacksonville feels more southern than orlando. and several miles south of the georgia or alabama border you're as southern as it gits.

but somehow, i've claimed southern identity. i have quirks of thinking that have become almost rules in my mind. probably fed by growing up on Southern Living, To Kill a Mockingbird, yes ma'am &loyalty to family & country. being a primary babysitter during my teens for a native GA woman who breathed deep south hospitality didn't hurt either...

silly things, little things make the south home. i don't realize how much it's true until i'm in the north or out west for a few weeks. then the first stop across the mississippi or below maryland just feels like...mmm i'm HOME!! i belong here! lol.
certain things i think define my southern bend of mind...like good, homemade food being central to all fellowship. whether it's a football party, having folks for dinner or just an afternoon at the house. gotta be some time spent in the kitchen! open-door & more the merrier policies. sweet tea is made with real sugar. the best teams in college football reside in the SEC. unless they're genius minds going to yale i expect my kids to pick an SEC college... [except for that horrid black & red poser team... ;)] i'm suprised when a guy holds a door or gives up his seat for me, but then i ALWAYS think "he must be southern". fishing? invented in the south. c'mon, you have to take your time and can't be hurried it HAD to come from "us"! negative things too, like politeness at all costs to your face, even at the sake of honesty. but i'm not really into analyzing southerness here...just wanted to write and this comes easily...anyway...i don't abide by it, but i feel the unspoken code of the south that says a woman isn't dressed if she leaves the house without eyeliner & polished hair...tshirt and jeans? gym clothes? acceptable attire, IF you have a full face and perfect hair. any event after 6 oclock, & special occasions from football games to baby showers call for the nicer end of your wardrobe...i kind of love all the idiosyncrasies, the stereotypes--both true and false; and the things i assume are common the world over until i leave the south and find dang, took that for granted! mostly its the people. duh. cultures die without people continuing to carry them along by their actions &lifestyles. i intend to have a southern atmosphere wherever i am. i want my home to be known for a listening ear, good food, and the place to watch every gator game come football season.

ran out of words, but i just wanted to write something true but non-thinking...

9.22.2011

frustrated vents shouldn't be taken too seriously

well since i'm going to be pulling an all nighter, may as well write myself out eh? i'm just going to pretend that this is still my own hidden space. let loose all i've been restraining, say whatever i want. not consider how it might be taken. i need some breathing space! i need room. so i'm making some right now,
except...
i. hate. words.
no really.
i'm not any good at math, but at least numbers themselves don't make me feel stupid. there are only 0-9 after all. in an infinite number of combinations, true. but nobody thinks when you say "twenty" that you mean "eleven". everyone knows you mean twenty ones, two tens, four fives. it's concrete. nobody misunderstands you. the effort you put forth is rewarded in correct understanding of the answer to the equation. unless you have dis-calculi, in which case you most likely read the equation backwards...different subject.

i'm much better at talking than i am math.
but words are just like little cages that trap what i think. they take my thoughts and twist them so that they look entirely foreign to me when i try to express them. then i feel trapped and suffocated and spent. they make me feel like shit. they don't help me out at all, evil little creatures! not the least little bit. few things feel worse than having a 2-hour conversation and knowing you weren't understood at all. & you can't think of another way to state what you've said multiple times, it just isn't getting through. but you've said it as bluntly as you can. what other way is there? if you take the basic concept and try to dress it in fancier clothes, won't the meaning be even more lost?

i don't know. all i know is that i'm done. i can't possibly try harder, i can't think anymore. i'm exhausted mentally and communicationally (there's a new word for webster) but i'm not mentally tired enough to sleep. i'll just sit here feeling broken and wracking my brain, but it won't change anything. is it laziness if one asks the Lord to change your words in another person's head so that they get you? if you've tried multiple ways to say the same thing over a period of a few weeks? probably not a prayer that's going to be answered. seems the Lord's way is more along the learning growing line...hooray. only i don't think i can learn or grow anymore in this area without breaking my window with my fist. or my head on my wall...haha.
sigh. ahh. can i just have a wordshaking gift? thankfully the gospel has already been written out for me. i should just go live on an island all alone where i don't need words...just the ocean.
since i can't leave for an island in the middle of the night though. i'll just listen to eric church, sara barrielles, sanctus real, jj heller & eminem. i know. wild combination. but they help me get frustration out & calm me to where i can read the Bible till the sun makes this whole foolishness look as silly as it is...


i bet in heaven, i'm going to open my mouth and just have colours and instrumental music come out...

9.13.2011

sshh.

be still,
my soul,
and wait before the Lord...
HE will act, He will fight for you, and you have only to be still.

HE is GOD.
^ ((i am not.))


9.05.2011

honesty

alright. so if i'm going to be completely honest, that last post was a cop out...haha.
i relate more to the song wounded right now.
because i feel like God began something, i feel like He was breaking me.
then stopped.
left.
Left me here with a heart still partly stone, cracked and bleeding, and i have no way to make it whole. i've tried a million band aids and scriptures and prayers and everything under the sun. i've tried pretending i was already whole. i've tried faking it. i've tried thinking i'm crazy psycho with a wierd victim complex. i've pretended i had an unbreakable heart.
then i tried honesty...
nothing.
i KNOW i'm not abandoned. i know He hears me, he speaks through people and His Word. His kindness in evident in so many little everyday mercies. He is not "silent", as some would use the term.
but when i sit before Him in silence. it stays silent. that is a silence i am not used to. that is the most painful thing i have ever felt or experienced.

when i walk, i don't feel His hand on my shoulder.
and i cannot find that there is anything in my life that is hindering my reception of His voice. i'd repent and run to Him as fast as possible if only i could find some rebellion, but there isn't one. there are wrestlings and struggles but i'm longing for Him to just my break my hip already.
i want to obey. i want to give in. i don't want to fight. but i'm powerless to even surrender without His help.
I know He is teaching me something. I know it won't be like this forever. i'm sure He will speak.
but if i could just admit where my heart is...
it feels like part of me is dying, like colour is fading from the world, like i can't breathe. i just can't live without His presence being VIBRANT. day to day. hearing and feeling from Him, even correction. Oh God, I would give up the sweetest gifts you've given me to have the closeness of my walk with you back.

battle song

the father of lies
Coming to steal
Kill and destroy
All my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching
The song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing accusation

Could the father of lies
Be telling the truth
Of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine
I hear him saying cursed are the ones
Who can’t abide
He’s right
Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me
An age old song
That I am cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently
He’s forgotten the refrain
Jesus saves!

shane and shane//embracing accusations.
although if i'm to be honest, wounded by them hits where i'm at just as much...