"O Lord, in your strength the king rejoices,
    and in your salvation how greatly he exults!...

For you make him most blessed forever;
    you make him glad with the joy of your presence.
For the king trusts in the Lord,
    and through the steadfast love of the Most High he shall not be moved."

(psalm 21.1, 6-7)

oh Lord, forgive me for all the running i have been doing. for all the business, for putting good things in front of you. for choosing sin--worry, doubt, fear, control, wanting what You have said is not best for me--over time with You. i'm running back Father. o thank You for open arms! thank you for giving up Your only and beloved Son to give me freedom & the amazingness of forgiveness. break me over my sin. give me a heart that repents--for that is a heart that knows the sweetness of Your presence. that is a heart with a fountain of joy no circumstance can touch. guard me Jesus. i need you to fight for me, or the sin that crouches at my door and the darts of the enemy will surely overwhelm me and steal my joy.


true story

"Far off hymns and funeral marches sound the same again
My ears are worn and weary strangers in a strange land
And I need a new song
I need a new song

And all I am is breath and vapour and shadows
And all I have is what I need, this I know
That I need a new song
Yeah I need a new song

Waiting in the night for you Lord
Waiting in the sky for you, you ohh

Prayers and aching in my body, in my lungs
Swear the bones around my heart are coming undone
As I, I need a new song
I need a new song

So I’m waiting in the night for you Lord
Waiting in the sky for you, you
Waiting in the night for you, you
I’m waiting in the sky for you

Words are failing
My melodies falter
My voice is breaking
My heart is burning
‘Cause blessing and honour
Glory and power
Praise and worship
They belong to you

I need a new song..."

*audrey assad-- new song.
at the end of an insane (ok so 50 hrs isn't that insane but it is to me) work week, at the end of my strength and desperate for God to restore the joy & faith and gloriousness of sunday-thursday...
amen audrey. i need a new song.
but the good news is, I KNOW WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED and He is in the business of writing me new melodies, of pulling me out of myself and restoring. makes being alive beautiful.



1) i am not nearly as "made-new" as i thought. i need a lot more breaking.
probably done more necessary confessing & repenting the past month than i have in my whole life to date. i'm learning i can take the "roof off" all i want, but just being open before God isn't always enough. i also need to take "walls down" and be open to others.
2) i have amazing friends, who reflect well their greater, more amazing God's grace.
cases in point:

a few nights ago a kind friend text me this as a way of forgiving me:
"Isn't GRACE just the most beautiful experience ever!? The grace in conviction, the grace in humility, the grace in forgiveness! It's astounding!!"

this morning another friend emailed me:
"I want you to see your imperfections, your weaknesses and your failures NOT has chains of condemnation, but as opportunities for God to come, save, and raise up in His strength and love! God's plan for using you, is so much wider than you can see or intend... more than you can thing to look for or anticipate. His power to use us goes even beyond our motives... I'm not saying that our heart posture doesn't matter, quite the contrary. However, God is not limited, God is not stopped, and as His child God is going to accomplish His purpose in your life no matter what. He's going to bring you safely across the finish line... don't lose heart, because of how you feel... He's got you covered. :)"

i am starting to see. God's grace is rich. aaand i'm starting to see. that i am too proud to accept it. there are times i do, but there are times like now where it seems impossible for me to stop striving and just RECEIVE. oh to be free from the chains of pride! if i will embrace all this seeming death and just admit yeah i need grace, i need Jesus, i still don't get it...there will be new life. He will change. especially when i read this yesterday:

"all new life only comes from a complete revolution.

The turning upside down of everything can simply be the beginning of turning a new leaf.

The midwife waits for the babe to turn upside down; the farmer turns over the earth and pushes a seed down so it will grow up. Upside down can be right side up…

And maybe the bending and the breaking and everything being up turned is the sign of new life about to break forth.

What had Chesterton had said?

“The fatal metaphor of progress, which means leaving things behind us, has utterly obscured the real idea of growth — which means leaving things inside us.”

The real idea of growth is not leaving things behind us, but leaving things inside us — Easter and resurrection and the bent Lord and risen King and this is how we rise up in a turned-upside down world." http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/04/for-when-your-life-seems-turned-upside-down-the-practice-of-living-easter/

and i think this is an accurate theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ftt1RX93bzk&feature=relmfu


the great charles

this is from a sermon Spurgeon preached from Matthew 15.27 about the Samaritan women. he's preaching this to those to seek salvation but do not feel they receive it immediately. BUT. the women was seeking Jesus to heal her possessed daughter...so i take comfort in this to apply it to my prayers for the saving of those i am sometimes tempted to despair over. i know not what His answer may be, but i will keep coming. til the day i die, if need be. -oh if he will give me perseverance!- i shall fight to view it as a delayed, not unanswered, prayer.

"Genuine seekers who as yet have not obtained the blessing, may take comfort from the story before us. The Saviour did not at once give the blessing, even though this woman had faith. Do not be startled; it is the truth. She had real and genuine faith in Christ when she came to Jesus, or else she would never have put up with the rebuffs of the disciples. Yet, believer as she was, she did not at first obtain the blessing which she sought. The Saviour always intended to give it, but he waited awhile. “He did not answer her a word.” Were not her prayers good? Never better in the world. Was not her case needy? Sorrowfully needy. Did she not feel her need sufficiently? She did feel it overwhelmingly. Was she not earnest enough? She was as earnest as ever a woman could be. Had she no faith? She had such a high degree of it that even Jesus wondered, and said, “Oh woman, great is your faith.” Yet for awhile she could not obtain an answer to her prayers. See then, dear friends, although it is true that faith brings peace, yet it does not always bring it instantaneously. There may be certain reasons calling for the trial of faith, rather than the reward of faith. Genuine faith may be in the soul like a hidden seed, but as yet it may not have budded and blossomed into joy and peace. Comfort is the child of faith, but it is not always as old as its mother. I say this to cheer some of you. Do not, I beseech you, give up seeking; do not give up trusting my Master, because you have not yet obtained the conscious joy which you long for. I do not doubt that you certainly will be saved, even though as yet no kindly promise has gladdened your heart. “Slowly the light breaks” on many a heart, but surely it will break before long." CHS http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/2011/02/04/food-given-to-dogs


chambers again

mm. words. the power to release, or to encage.
tonight we'll go with the latter. all the thoughts and feelings within this heart are going to stay there. locked deep in the little tattered box. where the inexpressible flutters like a bird without wings. not suppressed or restrained--thank God he finally got that foolishness out of me! but in a place where He can bring them out and we can deal with em, but not now.
the need to release wordage of some sort will burn if i don't write something. burning always has a flame, flame creates light, and i do not sleep well with any sort of light...
so. i'll write from my head & share truth:

this major encouraged/challenged me last month. re-read it today. because i have grown weary of asking...i do limit God! i do view the kind of heart i want so much as impossible for somebody of my personality--as if My Creator were limited. He created me with flaws that His grace might abound. that His power might be shown...anyway. the process IS God's purpose. HE works within me as i pray, as i seek, as i ask. He DOES want to answer with yes and amen! He wants, and will, grant me sight. but in His timing...because if I will be faithful to press in. He will be faithful to work in me something I do not know to ask for. His plans are bigger than i can see. oh, and even in that is not my effort or lack thereof that the grace hinges on--HE does all. despite of me more often than not. haaaallelujah! to have nothing of the old life left...

What do you Want the Lord to Do for you?
By Oswald Chambers
Lord, that I may receive my sight. (Luke 18:41 KJV)
What is the thing that not only disturbs you but makes you a disturbance? It is always some thing you cannot deal with yourself. "They rebuked him that he should hold his peace . . . but he cried so much the more." Persist in the disturbance until you get face to face with the Lord Himself; do not deify common sense. When Jesus asks us what we want Him to do for us in regard to the incredible thing with which we are faced, remember that He does not work in common-sense ways, but in supernatural ways.

Watch how we limit the Lord by remembering what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past: I always failed there, and I always shall; consequently we do not ask for what we want. "It is ridiculous to ask God to do this." If it is an impossibility, it is the thing we have to ask. If it is not an impossible thing, it is not a real disturbance. God will do the absolutely impossible.

This man received his sight. The most impossible thing to you is that you should be so identified with the Lord that there is nothing of the old life left. He will do it if you ask Him. But you have to come to the place where you believe Him to be Almighty. Faith is not in what Jesus says but in Himself; if we only look at what He says we shall never believe. When once we see Jesus, He does the impossible thing as naturally as breathing. Our agony comes through the wilful stupidity of our own heart. We won't believe, we won't cut the shore line, we prefer to worry on."