ramblish unloading of a months worth of heartpuke

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately.
feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.)

slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart...
i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective.

why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit?
i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake even to myself that i'm happy. i can pretend that general "happy" equals the rich sweet glow of joy...well i can't but i've been trying my darndest. (do i not make NO sense at all?)
but then i get it.
i know why i'm out of sorts, tense, slipping. i know why i am painting my new phoenix-bright self with the ashes of the old grey brittle girl i was for 23 years...

its not so much that i don't see Christ as most beautiful.
its not that He isn't enough.

its that i don't /want/ Him to be enough.

this illogical fear drifts about my mind like smoke; its presence tainting everything but its substance never realized. until now. now it shows its black grimy substance: i am afraid of God being my everything.
which is the stupidest thing ever. because i've lived there and *spoiler alert* it was the best season of my life. its not like this is new here dams.
but still that smoke lingers....
if God is enough. He might be all i ever have.

i might do crazy things. i might live a life about Kingdom building, where He builds through me and the sum of my years only ever seem to amount to one mud brick. He might use my life in such a way that i am spent on others and not myself. i might be weird to my culture AND weird to the christian sub-culture. i might never have a comfort zone. even my best friends don't understand. i may be out-logiced by well-meaning, wiser-than-i counselors and have the uncomfortable position of not being able to agree with them; because i cannot go against the Spirit when He's gently yelling loud n clear.
that's it. aren't i absolutely ridiculous?
i HAVE lived with God as my All. He HAS been enough for me--and yep. i lost things i held dear. but at the same time, i've never ever felt such wild abandon & freedom. such peace and wildly calm joy. (and i never have truly written about it. strange to say.)

when Christ has been my real all in all: i struggled. i cried, i felt. i didn't go through life blissfully protected from pain, discomfort, loneliness or anything hard. but. that was the best version of myself i've been. and the most stable i've been. the sweetest life ever was. i had a glow on the inside that nothing. no person. place. thing. has EVER been able to produce. i had a center completely outside myself. i had peace.joy.belovedness.

i want back there.
and if Christ being my all means He *IS* all? if i have to lose everything i love most?
k. it'll be worth it.
i want life to be sweet. i want Jesus. {forgive me, flood me, capture me, burn me, rid me of myself}.


Abi said...

Praying the Truth sets you free [^^^]

DearVoid said...

ah... o hobbit <3 i'm fighting tears... i'm in the same place. basically. just fighting God to move to a place of complete abandon. i get ya. love love love you