thursday beautiful

first time for everything: I skipped two of my three classes Thursday. the first was an accident of sleeping through my alarm. this led to a spontaneous beach trip with my best friend & her bf who are down from va. it's probably why I got so many concepts messed up on my A&P II exam. but guess what?

I'm so ok with that. 

I needed time with my best friend since age 5. she who truly deeply  _knows_ me. there are so few who do physically present in my life these days.

I needed blue expanses. their space for my eyes. needed the wildness of a cold violent sea. needed the salty air in its March state of continual frenzy, stinging my skin with sand and somehow scrubbing my soul as well. 

thank you Jesus for the ocean, for 20 year friendships, for personal freedom, for mental health breaks. 



rained all day. drizzling damp or fierce drenching, water fell from the sky like a proper Irish thursday. I made soda bread, as if the rubbing & kneading of the dough could smooth out my tightness.

but knots of the soul are not so easily released. 

should have, could have, why-didn't-I's, & only-if-I-had's dance around the edge of my consciousness. I can't let them in. I'm already as tense as a rubber band stretched much too tight. snappish & harsh to the unfortunate innocents who bump into me. it's not that i'm angry. don't mean to lash out but this knotted-ness from deep down spills forth. tense heart leads to tense tone, tense body & a person miserable. can't say why exactly. don't really want to know why or i would've sorted it out already. 

g r a c e.

allows me to slam the door on regrets & if-onlys. says its never too late to start fresh. even if there's 45 minutes left in a day. maybe that can't be redeemed, words & deeds can't be undone. but my heart can be renewed. my mind can be restored. tomorrow can be free. tomorrow is a new day; yet mercies are new _right now_ if i only ask for them. grace says let go. lay it down, release.

sweet grace.