cooking is therapy.

idk why, somehow the chopping, mixing & such calms my heart & settles my mind. Or lets me sort out my thoughts to the rhythmic motions of my hands. maybe that's it. it's the sort of thing i would never, EVER want to do for a living--cannot imagine spending all day or night in a hot stuffy kitchen without windows. blech.

but if its been a hard day or week, i actually like cooking. especially good ole comfort southern food like cornbread. ooohh baby!

so tonight i'm grateful for a little windowless apartment kitchen,
for the mental capacity to use things like stoves & knives without damaging myself,
for motor skills in hands that are healthy and functioning,
for solitude,
mostly for promises.
i'm grateful for a God who has all things planned. for GOOD {romans 8--promise}

for soveriegnty and infinite loving wisdom,
which for me become

peace becase i dont' have to have anyhthign sorted out. not my thoughts or feelings or plans or desires or situations. its k if i'm confused. its okay if i'm not sure exactly how this is all gonna work out.

there is One who knows.


ramblish unloading of a months worth of heartpuke

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately.
feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.)

slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart...
i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective.

why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit?
i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake even to myself that i'm happy. i can pretend that general "happy" equals the rich sweet glow of joy...well i can't but i've been trying my darndest. (do i not make NO sense at all?)
but then i get it.
i know why i'm out of sorts, tense, slipping. i know why i am painting my new phoenix-bright self with the ashes of the old grey brittle girl i was for 23 years...

its not so much that i don't see Christ as most beautiful.
its not that He isn't enough.

its that i don't /want/ Him to be enough.

this illogical fear drifts about my mind like smoke; its presence tainting everything but its substance never realized. until now. now it shows its black grimy substance: i am afraid of God being my everything.
which is the stupidest thing ever. because i've lived there and *spoiler alert* it was the best season of my life. its not like this is new here dams.
but still that smoke lingers....
if God is enough. He might be all i ever have.

i might do crazy things. i might live a life about Kingdom building, where He builds through me and the sum of my years only ever seem to amount to one mud brick. He might use my life in such a way that i am spent on others and not myself. i might be weird to my culture AND weird to the christian sub-culture. i might never have a comfort zone. even my best friends don't understand. i may be out-logiced by well-meaning, wiser-than-i counselors and have the uncomfortable position of not being able to agree with them; because i cannot go against the Spirit when He's gently yelling loud n clear.
that's it. aren't i absolutely ridiculous?
i HAVE lived with God as my All. He HAS been enough for me--and yep. i lost things i held dear. but at the same time, i've never ever felt such wild abandon & freedom. such peace and wildly calm joy. (and i never have truly written about it. strange to say.)

when Christ has been my real all in all: i struggled. i cried, i felt. i didn't go through life blissfully protected from pain, discomfort, loneliness or anything hard. but. that was the best version of myself i've been. and the most stable i've been. the sweetest life ever was. i had a glow on the inside that nothing. no person. place. thing. has EVER been able to produce. i had a center completely outside myself. i had peace.joy.belovedness.

i want back there.
and if Christ being my all means He *IS* all? if i have to lose everything i love most?
k. it'll be worth it.
i want life to be sweet. i want Jesus. {forgive me, flood me, capture me, burn me, rid me of myself}.



words are so like a hawk in my chest,
and i try to open the cage
but so often
all the feathers get in the way and he doesnt ever seem
to fly
the right way


thank a veteran and or a soldier today.


doesn't matter where you stand politically. doesn't matter what your opinions are on this war or wars in general.  the guys and girls who've come back from living hell deserve a measure of respect and gratitude.


i run out of words sometimes.
unless it is heartspeak or something i am passionate about or interested in, i can only say so much.

so a personal opinioin essay where no opinion exisist is killer.

epsecially as i watched machine-gun preacher last night. which really provoked some soul searching and heart thinking. so my heart has been full of different sorts of things all day. and i want to write about haiti and my selfishness in saying i will never ever go back because it is just too much for my heart to bear.

oh help.

i have 30 minutes to get this shit done.
when children are starving lonely beaten etc all over the world. and i am too scared to help them. maybe. i dont know.



there will always be sunshine cold fronts & porches...

i was pretty depressed this morning. discouraged about the direction of politics, of life, of the american and world current atmosphere. what is God up too? im wondering if i'm going to see strange things in my lifetime or if its just part of the cycle of ups n downs that have continued throughout all of history. but.
God is the one who holds the nations in His hands, He sets authorities in power. He has a long-term, worldwide plan of redemption that will display HiS glory and culminate in the return of the Warrior-King Christ. He is always working towards that goal. He is my hope. My peace, my assurance.

so. because of all the ^above^ i am *determined* to enjoy today. its not shallow, its okay to wrestle with God in the morning & then choose to delight in little everyday things. or maybe it is, i don't care. life. is. still. beautiful...

*hooray for front porches on second-story apartments--treetops rising above the buildings in front of me are right at eye level; along with glorious shadow-sun-lighted-clouds & the occasional plane leaving streaks in the crisp blue sky. i love being up high.

*FALL. november, finally it feels like my favoritest season of all. cold fronts. oh happiiineeeess, there's a steady wind that makes me think i need a sweater.

*clothes sharing: thank you wesley for owning a bluish shirtdress that begged to be worn with my boots today. p.s. i miss you! (even tho you won't read this in japan as you have better things to do).

*starbucks gift cards from ridiculously generous grandparents.

*said grandparents--how lucky i am that they are alive, well, & care about being part of my life.

*soy vanilla latte. swear it helps me write more psychologically haha

*the opportunity to live with abi. she sharpens me.

*little tinies. ohmygosh. the cutest lil three yr old just rode by (with her mum) and i suddenly remembered that i adore childrens. with-all-of-my-heart.

Psalm 29
Ascribe to the Lord, O heavenly beings,

    ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
    worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness.

The voice of the Lord is over the waters;

    the God of glory thunders,
    the Lord, over many waters.
The voice of the Lord is powerful;
    the voice of the Lord is full of majesty.

The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;

    the Lord breaks the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon to skip like a calf,
    and Sirion like a young wild ox.

The voice of the Lord flashes forth flames of fire.

The voice of the Lord shakes the wilderness;
    the Lord shakes the wilderness of Kadesh.

The voice of the Lord makes the deer give birth

    and strips the forests bare,
    and in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

    The Lord sits enthroned as king forever.

May the Lord give strength to his people!
    May the Lord bless his people with peace!


shattered days **i wrote this the second monday in oct** {and yes i woke up tues am fantastic. go figure}

some days i am fragile.

today it's mostly caused by sleep deprivation, hormones that i can't control & forget to take into account. & school stress...i don't know if everybody has shattered days or if it is just me. (i used to have them rarely, on a small scale. as in my version of "shattered" meant "my heart is a little bruised and i maybe could cry if i tried." ha.ha. funny, you old locked up unfeeling heart self) well. then i went through the whole depression thing last fall- march. jan-april 15 was especially the worst season of my entire life to date. which is ridiculous, because life was grand and really? after all the awful things i've walked through in others' lives? for some reason i fall apart when it's peachy keen. go figure. anway. i told myself every.single.day "you'll get through, this is no big deal it just *feels* like a big deal". i barely made it. i literally focused on getting through day-to-day life. i kinda view april 15 as my day of deliverance. its not that everything was magically transformed. but it was the first day in months where i felt rays of light *inside*. not just fighting to see it. not just believing it existed whether i ever saw it or not. not just counting blessings desperatlly praying God would help me be truly grateful for it all. but a little bit got inside me. like carbonated soda, all sparkly & bubbly. and while i had some horrid days after...it was a steadily growing joy & peace & trust & belief that God poured until june when i suddenly realized i was actually ok. actually going to make it--not in a "oh i know i will b.c God's got me tho i don't see how" but as in "hot damn i LOVE life!! hell yes i'ma make it, and i'ma enjoy this crazy tragic wonderful ride!"ramblish much iiiiiiiick.  anyway. today was a shattered day. which are now pretty intense compared to the old shattered days.

today my heart is like a champagne flute that got accidently shoved into the tomato soup can box, tossed in the back of a pickup, and driven down blackstill lake road at 55mph. {broken glass everywhere}

surprise surprise.
it's not all tulips & music & bubbles, kids. which i knew--i just hadn't been THiS bad since june so i kinda freaked out a little. got me a little helpless, a little desperate. totally revealed how i've gotten back into "i'm all good now, thanks God for having my back but i think i got this now yeah?" oohh please. no, little tiny stubborn child--you always need Him.

also. perspective:

i'm a new creation in Christ. NEW. NOW. (if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation...2 cor 5.17)
buut. i am also still in process, still being made. (are being transformed from one degree of glory to another...2 cor 3.18)

the darkest most awfullest time of my life brought me closer to Jesus in a way few things (there have been  equal seasons) have. He changed me. i was so. very desperate for Him...that it was like transformation on steroids. i was a Phoenix  i felt i was burning & dying--but Christ resurrected a new bird with  functioning wings and better coulours.  i feel like a different person. no--like the person God wanted me to be was covered up with my scribblings-dirt-cracked heart before. but now it's me--who He made me, deeper so. without less of my fakeness & dirt covering. truer brighter cleaner.

all that to say, this being-made-new process isn't over til the day i die. so there might be some pretty shattering awful seasons ahead. i like to think i'll never ever go back to january.
but i might.
hence the loveliness that God really does turn all things for good. if i go through another personal hell, then He's gonna be working intensely in me again. i think anyway. maybe not.
thats not my hope. fruit isn't my hope, beauty from ashes isn't my hope, becoming a better person isnt' my hope. they all may functino ok for a while...but ultimately?
HE (himself) is my HOPE.