wild melody

I have theme songs. if 2012 had a theme song, I'd have to pick two by the Avetts: in the curve & tear down the house. I could have shipwrecked my life this year, & at times I truly thought I had. or circumstances had for me. but God is faithful. "He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust." {ps 40.1-4a} {inthecurve} how I love this song. never thought I'd "get it" like I do now. in a way that if I use words to explain, it will do no good. this was my year. so perfectly describes the months of feb-may. it will not be the theme of this year. I'm grateful to have also "walked from ashes with just a fee scratches..." "I've never taken this curve Dr...

Day 35 of 40 Days with Jesus by Sarah Young: "Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing! I am a God of surprises-- infinitely more creative than you can imagine. The universe displays some of My creativity, but there is more-- much more. I am making a new heaven and a new earth. Moreover, I am preparing My people-- all around the world-- to live there with Me in endless ecstasy. Let this eternal perspective strengthen and encourage you. As you journey along your life-path with Me, refuse to let the past define you or your expectations of what lies ahead. You may feel as if the road you are on is tiresome or even a dead end. That is because you're projecting the past into the future. The road block you are straining to see up ahead is really just an illusion. The future is in My hands, and I can do surprising things with it! Your gravest danger is giving up: ceasing to believe I can still do wondrous new things in you and your world...

the sister's artwork. love having artists in the fam! the real us. the camera kids bre & i went on a not so caroling walk hooray for the Christmas truth that Jesus Christ was born, died to cleanse us, and arose to keep us. the Christmas story is a story of mercy, extravagant love, and real peace. may we live in it all year long, and never forget the wonder & beauty of our Savior!

"Sin is Satan’s business because he hates the light and beauty and purity and glory of God. Nothing pleases him more than when creatures distrust and disobey their Maker." piper} "Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery." (Heb 2:14–15) lifeisbeautiful whether I see it as such or no. oh if I could grasp the reality of the words above, what peace to my soul! what a well of joy would erupt in my heart...beauty lies in the fact that it IS true. it doesn't change with my capacity to see feel or even believe it. the benefit I receive may be altered by how I relate to truth; but the firm solid truth itself does. not. change. sweet comfort! truth makes life beautiful. so does rain falling on my roof, the glow of Christmas lights ...

"In the mid-16th century Francis Xavier (1506–1552), a Catholic missionary, wrote to Father Perez of Malacca (today part of Indonesia) about the perils of his mission to China. He said, 'The danger of all dangers would be to lose trust and confidence in the mercy of God. . . To distrust him would be a far more terrible thing than any physical evil which all the enemies of God put together could inflict on us, for without God’s permission neither the devils nor their human ministers could hinder us in the slightest degree.' The greatest danger a missionary faces is to distrust the mercy of God. If that danger is avoided, then all other dangers lose their sting. God makes every dagger a scepter in our hand. As J.W. Alexander says, “Each instant of present labor is to be graciously repaid with a million ages of glory.” Christ escaped the danger of distrust. Therefore God has highly exalted him!" piper. help my unbelief. it grows strong the more My thought patt...

God provides. He truly does. He's always given me adequate food clothing shelter. a family that has my back, with 3 pretty tight faithful siblings who never judge. solid "I know you're not alright it's bro time" besties, who love me in my mess. a church that taught me to get into the Word & showed me my need for Christ. an iPhone for free that I wasn't even asking for. but most importantly. HiMSELF. God has given me the greatest gift. "let not your hearts be troubled..." John 14.1 I know I've posted about this a ridiculous amount of times, but I forget. so often! I forget what a secure resting place my heart has. I forget what a powerful constant love I have to be my shield. I forget He is the greatest treasure. I forget how _rich_ I am, how satisfying it is when I'm drinking in the King's presence. I forget that His creating me, loving me, rescuing me; (all) endows this ragged orphan with value. I forget Ge does...

"You belong among the wildflowers You belong in a boat out at sea Sail away, kill off the hours You belong somewhere you feel free Run away, find you a lover Go away somewhere bright and new..." I hear ya petty. that's exactly where I belong...

cooking is therapy. idk why, somehow the chopping, mixing & such calms my heart & settles my mind. Or lets me sort out my thoughts to the rhythmic motions of my hands. maybe that's it. it's the sort of thing i would never, EVER want to do for a living--cannot imagine spending all day or night in a hot stuffy kitchen without windows. blech. but if its been a hard day or week, i actually like cooking. especially good ole comfort southern food like cornbread. ooohh baby! so tonight i'm grateful for a little windowless apartment kitchen, for the mental capacity to use things like stoves & knives without damaging myself, for motor skills in hands that are healthy and functioning, for solitude, mostly for promises. i'm grateful for a God who has all things planned. for GOOD {romans 8--promise} for soveriegnty and infinite loving wisdom, which for me become peace. peace becase i dont' have to have anyhthign sorted out. not my thoughts or feelin...

tangled tangled heart. {and mind] lately. feel like i have lost all love music colour n light in me lately. (i haven't been pursuing Jesus.) slowly, gently God pulls back the layers of my heart... i'm listening to lies. lies from my own earthly self, lies of the enemy, lies implied by even those who are good friends but whose words lack God's perspective. why this struggle with things i thought conquered? why wars being waged on ground i never cared to even see before? why do i seem to be unrecognizable, as if every drop of light in me has been sucked into a void leaving only a skeleton? i feel i'm living in the frame of who i would have been had God not rescued changed renewed me. where are the signs of this spirit? i've been avoiding these questions because  well. i don't actually want answers. no thanks. ignorance prevents responsibility  i don't want to have a heart to heart with God. i'd rather be vaguely miserable and fake e...

words are so like a hawk in my chest, and i try to open the cage but so often all the feathers get in the way and he doesnt ever seem to fly out the right way

thank a veteran and or a soldier today. seriously. doesn't matter where you stand politically. doesn't matter what your opinions are on this war or wars in general.  the guys and girls who've come back from living hell deserve a measure of respect and gratitude.

hi. i run out of words sometimes. unless it is heartspeak or something i am passionate about or interested in, i can only say so much. so a personal opinioin essay where no opinion exisist is killer. epsecially as i watched machine-gun preacher last night. which really provoked some soul searching and heart thinking. so my heart has been full of different sorts of things all day. and i want to write about haiti and my selfishness in saying i will never ever go back because it is just too much for my heart to bear. oh help. i have 30 minutes to get this shit done. when children are starving lonely beaten etc all over the world. and i am too scared to help them. maybe. i dont know. aaaaarojgnuognbuionvf

i was pretty depressed this morning. discouraged about the direction of politics, of life, of the american and world current atmosphere. what is God up too? im wondering if i'm going to see strange things in my lifetime or if its just part of the cycle of ups n downs that have continued throughout all of history. but. God is the one who holds the nations in His hands, He sets authorities in power. He has a long-term, worldwide plan of redemption that will display HiS glory and culminate in the return of the Warrior-King Christ. He is always working towards that goal. He is my hope. My peace, my assurance. so. because of all the ^above^ i am *determined* to enjoy today. its not shallow, its okay to wrestle with God in the morning & then choose to delight in little everyday things. or maybe it is, i don't care. life. is. still. beautiful... *hooray for front porches on second-story apartments--treetops rising above the buildings in front of me are right at eye level; alo...

some days i am fragile. today it's mostly caused by sleep deprivation, hormones that i can't control & forget to take into account. & school stress...i don't know if everybody has shattered days or if it is just me. (i used to have them rarely, on a small scale. as in my version of "shattered" meant "my heart is a little bruised and i maybe could cry if i tried." ha.ha. funny, you old locked up unfeeling heart self) well. then i went through the whole depression thing last fall- march. jan-april 15 was especially the worst season of my entire life to date. which is ridiculous, because life was grand and really? after all the awful things i've walked through in others' lives? for some reason i fall apart when it's peachy keen. go figure. anway. i told myself every.single.day "you'll get through, this is no big deal it just *feels* like a big deal". i barely made it. i literally focused on getting through day-to-day life...

"you know what i need?" "nope, what?" "i just need more Jesus. If I had more Jesus, than everything would be ok, really." true story. in all sincerity. " For His daily, less noticeable deliverance I want the spirit to {open my eyes} so I can .be thankful.  For His mighty acts that appear at the eleventh hour , I want {grace} to .trust Him}.  But these after-the-fact deliverance's?  I [hardly know] [what] to ask What if you actually went through your worst nightmare, .what then.?  /Where was the deliverance?/  It means that there will be lots of sorrow as we .walk through life., but we {aspire} to know sorrow that is mingled with hope . For subjects of King Jesus, death and tragedy are never the last word .  The goodness of our God is certain . "  -Edward Welch. {.emphasis. & weird formatting  .mine.]

I'm a desperado, but i'm gonna break my rusty cage and run...any where the wind blows, on the train to San Antone. i'll be a burning ring of fire hotter than a pepper sprout. i'll get rhythm when i get the blues, i'll meet a boy named sue and you will never hear me say "this is the worst trip since i have been born." i'll walk the line to make you mine. and like a bridge over troubled water, i'll lay me down in the streets of Lorado...cause there's something in a sunday that makes a body feel alone...but i'll still love you when you're down and out, even in a field made of stone; i'll smile away the thunder if you love this heart of mine... i love johnny. just in case you didn't know...

beks is twenty-five... i am so insanely grateful that she was born on this day, 25 years ago. God knew i'd need her! there is so much she has done for me...from drawing out my girly side, teaching me how girls make friends, showing me that dolls and teacups could be fun. we've fought, forgiven, endured and rejoiced together. there's so much i want to write about her...the best friend ever. she's got gorgeous green eyes and swell fashion taste. [now ;)] she hates football, she loves afternoon teas and britishness. she loves God and is learning more and more how to rest in Him and trust Him. she leaves things in His hands where I would think about them and try to figure them out. she loves others faithfully, even when it hurts. she's creative& quirky and a total goofball when i draw it out of her. but she's in WV and i am here. i am SO VERY proud of her for jumping of a cliff a lil bit. took courage and faith. but maybe we won't write this today. caus...

is what happens when you delete instead of attach the outline of chapter 11. WhOO DOOOESS that?! sigh.. maybe the prof won't notice that it says outline for 10 and 11 but only contains 10? yeah right. but chapter 11 is ridiculously long... hmmm. rewrite it, get 10 points and no sleep before work tomorrow? or screw the points...and crawl into the lovely invention called bed where people actually CLOSE thier itchy eyes and REST. yep. callin the latter. ((i think sometimes i forget this isnt' like facebook or twitter and its sposed to be real deepish writings. whatevs. its fine. deal with it. {{ukraine shoutout! lol ))

"Fear of man is a horrible way to live. It’s absolute bondage. Our idols own us. They own us, they control us, they dictate the directions of our lives and the impulses of our hearts. Our idols get a grip on us and nothing will get a grip harder than this one: the fear of man. It will tell you how to think, it will tell you what to feel, it will tell you how to act, it will tell you what to wear, it will tell you when to laugh, it will tell you what to be… We will use people to make us feel right, to justify our existence, to escape our insecurities and to gain a verdict that we are desperate for [that says we are valuable]. We’re trusting in other people, using them to heal us, validate us, to restore to us our glory. To save us." — JR Vassar (via  modernhepburn ) " The former governors who were before me laid heavy burdens on the people and took from them for their daily ration  forty shekels  of silver. Even their servants lorded it over the people.  But I did not...

from the internet (idr which tmblr) 1. procrastination when there is a test in 5 hours. (ooobviously) 2. finding the beks' instagram online. #socialmediastalker# heh heh. she thought she was getting away... stolen from beks iphone. but i earned it frying fish so its k. 3. southern-ness: sweet tea/ ya'll/ guns/ trucks/ particularly old trucks with the right (and there are oh so many NOT right) bumper stickers/ friendly folks in small towns/ fishing poles on the dock/ unfriendly old guys in small towns that make me laugh/ bank tellers that talk about first friday on main street & ask why they don't see you there/ azaleas/ dresses & cowboy boots 4. my cowboy boots especially, despite the holes, fraying & gorilla-glue round 4 heels. oh and also especially cooking southern food with best friends or for family then EATiNG it. oh happiest of times for the mouth. 5. writing the world's most awkward sentence structure. ever. (see above) 6. coffee...

dude, this cracked me up! (maybe study brain + exhorbitant amounts of coffee, idk. but i lol'd): Mr. Darcy: hey, I just met you Mr. Darcy: and this this crazy Mr. Darcy: but I’m going to act coldly distant to you for a long time, then awkwardly admit my undying love to you and save you from liking a horrible liar and gambler, then propose to you, telling you I love you not for your beauty but for your mind. Mr. Darcy: so call me maybe. from: modern hepburn then this *still* feels like solid truth! : from:  http://youknowyoureadancerwhen.tumblr.co m seriously. when i'm antsy & restless & adhd. when i'm being stupid & emotional (or validly emotional). when i'm thinking hard n sorting something out...that's when i miss dance the most. my body still HAS to move! absolutely has to relieves stress physically. sometimes i feel suffocated, chained, trapped by my own phyisical limitations and the lack of space for whirling about....

these are just a few of my most faves peeps. they've faithfully had my back. and i am missing a few faces, but i don't have may pics on my lappy. praying for them today. cause i hate homework. but i love them. life is made beautiful partly by the people we love, no? eiagianng. cheeeeeese.

(i loathe papers.) {(i am so not a fan of writing to specifications...staying [inside boxes] is SO NOT my thing. boundaries? i get the necessity. framework? yes please and thank you. structure? sure, i'll take the help...but super specific page by page instructions? eei;aognauognubuv!! worse than a free hand topic with no direction! at least for this person)} (((also my perfectionism is intense with writing legit papers...its an evil dragon that must be slain. like right now. i have to follow ever single grammar rule. comma or no comma? is that a run on or does it break up the monotony of short statements? uuugh. its like slavery--every sentence has to be constructed the best possible way. every word has to be purposeful and work towards conveying whatever idea it's meant to efficiently, interestingly, accurately. oh. dear. HELP. as in if somebody who read this blog read a paper i wrote, they wouldn't believe i wrote it lol. that's why i take great delight in writin...

"mum, i feel like i'm breaking inside...i'm pathetic. how can my heart hurt so much for somebody else? not over them, for . i can't save them and oh i want too! i feel like i'm breaking inside , i'm aching for lost innocence & scars being made. there are some things once lost we can't ever get back. there are doors opened that don't ever fully re-close. i despise myself b.c they don't think its a big deal. i wish i could show them what i see! i wish they could see how beautiful & precious the gift they're throwing away . it's like God's given the loveliest clothes, & they're stripping them off for rags...these rags won't satisfy! i KNOW temporal pleasure seems so worth it. seems better than the joy of walking close to Jesus-- that often takes sacrifice to keep. but when life tailspins, this isn't gonna be there. joy will. it can save from the darkest pit but not if its traded in for something so cheap. i kee...

i don't have time or words today so. found this the other day...heck yes! lets beat tennessee boys, make me proud please? thank you Jesus for brothers, friends like brothers, besties, football, & YOU. mostly i need so much more of You. amin. (ameen? phonetic spelling...)

my wrist thinks it's 65 tonight. obviously not a fan of holding pens, or it wouldn't be complaining so much. ((sometimes i'm afraid all the writing i've done since i was a kid in those 25 journals-no i didn't keep all of them-is gonna cause arthritis at age 30 haha)) so i'ma be typing my heart out. cause man, the hawk is creating chaos flying around in this chest of mine! keeps bumping into bones n tendons, won't let me sleep. it needs to breathe.. ...idk i just need release, in a good way. i'm not sure where this is going. *silence* sigh. never have words when my heart is most fully alive...the deeper i'm feeling-being; the quieter-stiller i get. God did something tonight. ugh. really? that's what we're going to say? ... i feel it, but i don't have words for it. something happened in my heart that i don't understand. i don't even know what the "something" is. i just know His hand was there. so i'll write ...

* 1 john 3.13-24 just a lil taste: "Do not be *surprised*, brothers that the world -hates you-. We know that we *have passed* OUT of (death) }into} LiFE, because we love the brothers...By this we know love, that [Christ] laid down his life for us !!!... By this we shall KNOW that we are *of the TRUTH* & REASSURE our heart before Him; for whenever (our heart) condemns us, God is GREATER than our (heart), and He *knows* EVERYTHiNG...we have CONFiDENCE before God...whoever KEEPS His commandments ABiDES in God, & God is in him..."  {make you want to sing anyone?! * country music eric church's voice. miranda lambert's fierceness. jason aldean's lyrics. mmhm, keepin me tied to my room so i keep working *saturdays off  LOVE fam breakfast- chores- homeness w the people dearest to my heart *free coffee  starbucks kid: "i think i got this one..." me: um, wait what?!  "no its fine! i even have a giftcard!" "oh well, too bad" an...

not the best quality but love this song. " every victory, You sing it over me now Your peace is a melody, You sing it over me..." truth. "Behold, it was for my welfare      that I had (great bitterness); but in love  You have *delivered* my life      from the pit of destruction, for You have cast _all_ my sins     _ behind_ Your back." isaiah 38.17

since i have the intention of doing many more trips like ukraine in the future, and people always want to hear about stories/pictures etc. i made a blog for them. i'll be doing my ukraine posts over there: goingforlove.blogspot.com for now there's a slideshow over there. because my heart needs this space to be free and vent and exhale. and i can't do that if i keep feeling i need to write about ukraine. and also i can't really be sending ok i don't *want* to be sending many people to this spot. ((this is where my heart in all its rawness is free to explode with no fear or worry of judgement or assessment. as much as humanly possible i write here as if nobody ever reads it. thanks to the few who do, and still love me! haha. but seriously. everybody needs a _space_ to be freee from feeling [boxed] into society expectations. or church expectations. or conformity in general. just sayin'. rant over.))