wild melody

"there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4.18 "Nothing can separate me from the love of God.* NOTHING. EVER. Christ Jesus, my Savior, has redeemed me. has set me free from my sin. sin is no longer my slave master. no longer divides me from God. Therefore. Nothing can separate, sever me. Not sin. not too much serving. not business. not hatred. not fear. not satan nor demons. not hurt or pain or loss. not joy. not good blessings. NOTHING!! How can this be? How can such unbelievable goodness be true? What about my filth, my unbelief, my pride, my whoring, my distrust? my unfaithfulness, my abuse of good gifts? It. is. Finished. None of this (^) affects that*, the truth that He loves me. that truth never changes. the sins and wanderings of my heart, they affect my reception, my believing, my feeling this truth. but they don't actually touch the reality of it. and this, this overwhelming love. the reality of it, the unchangingness of it, the dep...

((often)). especially when there is so much going on inside of me...good things & heart things & my head trying to sort it all out but realizing some things in life, are not logicalness. sometimes God gives us situations. that require trusting. blind following. resting in His plans & knowledge and the joy of being okay with knowing only that He is in control. i put on my pointe shoes today. and danced until i was shakily beyond breathing. as if i could dance my emotions into articulation...if only i could!! if only i had movements for my heart. sigh. news flash: i an't do a fouette en pointe anymore. only one rotation and the ankle gives out, so tragical. haha. mmm. so here i am sitting in my room. back supported by a sea coloured wall, hurting rubbed raw feet stretched out in front of me. the warmth of the laptop easing sore legs. allie moss & eminem sharing my grooveshark. and my heart is so full. my head confused, but peacefully resting on an anchor stronger than...

"We’re not done. It’s gonna be war until we see Jesus upon his return. We will get tired...We will have war on many fronts... We will lack supplies... We will be, like Jesus, just absolutely done. When crisis and need, because of suffering people, show up providentially in front of us, and by the grace of God, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we’ll follow in the example of Jesus for the glory of Jesus. We’ll share the love of Jesus with anyone and everyone until the city is changed. Because the darkness cannot win... the darkness cannot win!! People are suffering, people are dying. And if all you do is watch television, listen to your headphones, surf the Internet, and close your eyes to the suffering and damage of the people that surround us, you will lack the kind of passion that a soldier requires for a long battle." ((m.d. this is why i listen to him.))

Keep drinkin' coffee Stare me down across the table While I look outside So many things I'd say if only I were able But I just keep quiet And count the cars that pass by You've got opinions, man We're all entitled to 'em But I never asked So let me thank you for time And try to not waste any more of mine... I hate to break it to you babe But I'm not drowning There's no one here to save Who cares if you disagree You are not me Who made you king of anything So you dare tell me who to be Who died And made you king of anything just had one of "those" days. those days are not bad days. just days when i feel like too many people love me too much. they all want to speak into my life. which i welcome. but it'd be nice to agree to disagree about my life choices occasionally. haha. aahh. gotta love people. here's the thing. when i'm blatantly honest, (which is rare. because it leads to even more shooting in love so to speak.) i have to say i'...

sanity resumed. writing itch still goin strong though...kinda has been for a few months. i just scribble until my wrists cramp. seems like waste of time...(since i'm only going to throw it away. or use it as fuel when i want to burn something.) especially since last week. took out all my old pointe shoes and pitched em. whenever i touch on a creative outlet, even an unused one, it's like a trigger point for all the swirlishness inside that i manage to keep still. mostly. it just brews into a hurricane. hurricanes are not fond of being contained. fyi. at least they are not angry storms. i'm not very good at rages. although confession: sometimes i want to be. haha. sometimes i wonder what my fam or the grocery store clerk would do if i just had a hysterical breakdown or manifested a panic attack. for the fun of it. isn't that horrid? but i couldn't ever do it, i'd burst out laughing. plus i am a terrible acting faker. only a good internally-i'm-screaming-but-o...

ah,words. such a love/hate relationship...necessary evil little things. wish i could survive without the sometimes. okay lots of times. i don't like confining the ideas in my head into letters. words are supposed to be releasing. often, i feel more. en(caged) by them. not sure why that is. well let's not lie, i've thought about it. (damn i mean what HAVEN'T i thought about) and i could give multiple reasons why i think they make me feel trapped...but the main purpose in verbally throwing up here is to still my analytical mind. i just can't keep up with all that God is showing me. pretty certain that's the point. i'm not supposed to be trying. not mentally anyway. i don't have to figure anything out, i don't have to understand, i'm just supposed to be faithful. in everyday.mundane.obediance. ohhh hooray. doesn't that sound like an adventure...says the heart full of faith. Oh girl of little faith. where the hell IS your heart? how can your memo...

words. not my gifting. sometimes i wish they were. but in reality. i don't want to try hard enough to be understood. i don't want to put forth the effort to confine the ideas in my mind into tiny letters. i don't want to be caged. it seems in order to be understood, i often end up editing my heart out of my words. and words, words cage me so often. not very releasing. perhaps because it's either all or nothing. all my thoughts and ramblish with no filter (like this). or formality and perfectly constructed sentences that talk a damn lot. but say nothing. i am not good at lying. i am very good at cutting my heart out of things, playing the role of elineor "don't you think, in cases such as this, it is better to use one's head?". but if i'm going to go through the effort of putting me into words. and do a good job. it's going to be raw. what i really think and feel, what i shelve all the time will burst through. and then not only will anybody who ...