4.01.2011

thinking out loud (definish of ramblish)

sanity resumed. writing itch still goin strong though...kinda has been for a few months. i just scribble until my wrists cramp. seems like waste of time...(since i'm only going to throw it away. or use it as fuel when i want to burn something.) especially since last week. took out all my old pointe shoes and pitched em. whenever i touch on a creative outlet, even an unused one, it's like a trigger point for all the swirlishness inside that i manage to keep still. mostly. it just brews into a hurricane. hurricanes are not fond of being contained. fyi. at least they are not angry storms. i'm not very good at rages. although confession: sometimes i want to be. haha. sometimes i wonder what my fam or the grocery store clerk would do if i just had a hysterical breakdown or manifested a panic attack. for the fun of it. isn't that horrid? but i couldn't ever do it, i'd burst out laughing. plus i am a terrible acting faker. only a good internally-i'm-screaming-but-on-the-surface-i-am-splendid-thank-you faker. omitting lies are just as untruthful as invented lies. as driscoll would say : "when someone comes up to you and asks how you are doing, you can be honest. ‘yesterday was horrible, and today’s worse, and tomorrows gonna be worse still. I know it. I can see it coming…faking it is lying, and lying is SIN!! TELL THE TRUTH!"
was i going somewhere with all that? hhmm...maybe? maybe i'd rather use this space and time a little better...just got back from Jesus-dock time. (fave 2-3hrs every week are my thursday dock times)

so grateful to Jesus for loving me.
no really.
SO EASY to say those words, believe those words, hear those words...and let them mean nothing. not get the weight, not get slammed by the crazy insane mind-blowing truth in them.
kinda like being slammed by reality...
i'm grateful (<
man. yeah. slammed is the word.
then. there are countless little tiny blessings that show love...not getting what i want. having a tiny, usually empty dock for solitude. warm boards, cold breeze, choppy waves. the blessing of being still & quiet. being broke. friends i do NOT deserve, who show me graciousness when i am at my worst. physical quirks that teach me Jesus lessons. darkness, that makes light sweet...crazy goodness is ALL OVER my life. as if the biggest most obvious (my greatest need being met) wasn't enough.
gah. talked myself out of words. and into worship.
should do this everyday!!

2 comments:

Abi said...

glad to hear you come to a place of worship! Sweet on :)

and you tossed your pointe shoes? woah, that's intense. very bold, and probably wise, but I can't bring myself to it.

damaris said...

oh i kept 4 pairs. =) my beloved grishkos that were heaven that i was informed i woudl break my ankle in if i kept wearing them (and truly, they are beyond dead, worse than if i'd run them over with my car haha) my red ones and my last pair b/c i still have use outta them. and maybe one other pair.