idk what the hell this will become...

words. not my gifting. sometimes i wish they were. but in reality. i don't want to try hard enough to be understood. i don't want to put forth the effort to confine the ideas in my mind into tiny letters. i don't want to be caged. it seems in order to be understood, i often end up editing my heart out of my words.
and words,
words cage me so often.
not very releasing.
perhaps because it's either all or nothing.
all my thoughts and ramblish with no filter (like this). or formality and perfectly constructed sentences that talk a damn lot. but say nothing.

i am not good at lying. i am very good at cutting my heart out of things, playing the role of elineor "don't you think, in cases such as this, it is better to use one's head?". but if i'm going to go through the effort of putting me into words. and do a good job.
it's going to be raw. what i really think and feel, what i shelve all the time will burst through. and then not only will anybody who reads it know. but i'll probably be surprised myself. i'm an excellent shelver. lots of boxes.

i don't really know what i'm sayin. i'm a redeemed analyzing mess whose creative side has been a little too restrained as of late. and so now is wreaking havoc. probably will regret this tomorrow.
oh well....it was fun.