3.10.2012

honestly hastily scribbled

I've got something to say It's been one of those days When I'm finding it hard to believe in You I've got something to say I've forgotten how to pray And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I'm alone I've got something to say What was black and white is gray And I'm finding it hard to believe in You I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I'm alone And faith might mean there won't be answers And hope might mean enduring through the night But help me not forget in darkness The things that I believed in light I've got something to say Right now it feels like You are slipping away Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith Like I was found, but now I'm lost in the fray

i don't live here. but i have days where this starfield song is where my heart is. i choose to fight to believe. some days i just give up but God doesn't let me stay there long. most days He is right there and i fight. He's got me. reality is not defined by my emotions or the state of my heart. whether i am only tempted by lies or give in to lies, Jesus still has me.
the crux of the matter is, do i want faith? or do i want answers? because they are not the same. we walk by faith, not sight; sometimes choosing faith is turning a blind eye to the logic side of my mind. sometimes having faith means letting go. letting go of wanting reasons, letting go of my heart. means choosing to trust if i never see.
is God REALLY enough for me, or is He only enough when He gives me what I want? not just the petty and silly material things i want...those i can easily live without. the deepest desires, some of them even God-given, that i long to see fulfilled. is God truly enough for me to be satisfied in? yes He wants to bless me, He wants me to bear fruit and enjoy life on earth. but can i love Him, trust Him. have joy if i don't see those things? if i don't have a healthy body or mind. if i never see the ones i love the most well. if i don't see the salvation of the Lord rescue the lost that i love with all my heart. just asking myself. i feel these are questions God is stirring up in me. wanting to root out my desire for control.

the One who is teaching me to walk in victory. He is more gracious than any person. More loving, more steadfast. HE is the one doing the work, He is the one showing me how to live surrendered, and HE is the one with the patience.

1 comment:

Abi said...

You are sooooooo good for me. I needed to hear these words, and ouch! I've really wanted answers more than faith.
Thanks for reminding me that He is worth it.