theme song

*this* coulda been the theme song of February, but i didn't find it til two weeks ago.

so it's the theme song of this season.

i get that i live on my own, i get that God's breaking me of that, i get it has to hurt. i get that everything since october is a result of living in unbelief by my own strength. but i've seen it, i am free. i have victory in Christ! now how to walk in it...

that's what i don't get. and its not something i can just figure out and apply; because that has been modus operandi--me doing. no more of that...so...how does this work? yeah. i don't get how to live abiding and resting and relying on HIM yet. i don't have the slightest comprehension of trust, reliance...i don't know what that looks like. but HE is teaching me, ever so much more patiently than i am learning. i am finally willing. pretty confident His leadership is astoundingly good. so therefore confident there will come a day when i walk through everyday life relying on Him first. there will be a day when its not such a battle. when its a temptation to go back to being strong, sure, but only that. not finding out i have been at 3 in the afternoon. He gives us the desires of our hearts! my deepest desire these days, is to rest in Him. trust Him fully. rely on Him. cause THAT is when i have joy & peace untouchable by circumstance & emotion & physical state of health.

i can't wait! to no longer be this proud stubborn stronger than steel queen of independence girl.

basically, i'm dying.

and this new girl is being born.

its a process. (that is a word i am coming to HATE with passion...lol)