wild melody

 " my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..."  (empires// jukebox the ghost) oh Ukraine. i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared. why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either...

"long is the road that leads me home, longer still when I walk alone..." the flight from Kyiv all i think is how badly I want to be en route to Kharkiv. now that I'm in Amsterdam & there's no going back I suddenly have all the thoughts of home that I suppressed the last month flooding me at once. I'm a quarter of the way home...and all I want is to see hug tackle my family 20 minutes ago.  this is when I fiercly miss... EIGHTEEN (18)  HOUUURRRS!!!! 

sometimes, I battle regret. fiercely. usually I'm pretty confident in my decisions once they've been made. I've grown in receiving grace & walking away from my mistakes once I own them. I don't second-guess my actions much anymore, I don't reply conversations wishing I'd said differently. but today...aiy aiy.  today has been good. so beautiful this morning. answered prayer in quiet time with Abi's Hebrews recommendation. but so...painful. the sharp healing cut of God's Word. revealing. good hurt, like ripping off a bandaid to find the wound is healing but still stings.  this morning I had a revelation I wish I'd had the first week. so simple! so clear as I was praying. if I'd taken more time alone--truly alone, still--before God I would have seen it sooner. how could I be so blind?! how proud I have been. how grasping of good things that seemed pure. but I forgot in all my praying to submit. I forgot how to actually   release worry, fear, des...

can't believe I've spent the past 13 days in Ukraine// Kiev & orphan camp 1. my heart is happy to be here, missing littles from Gordanya, & a little apprehensive about what's next. please continue to pray for elizabeth & i, the HFO team, for the kids, spiritual strength & discernment, cultural understanding & grace to .think. _before I speak? grateful: _for_  Jesus.  prayers!  chance to be here.  awesome HFO team.  10 days with a fantastic American team. Elizabeth.  baby Ivanshko.  coffee!  the metro.  thunderstorms mightier than any I've seen yet.  beauty.  culture misunderstandings that keep me humble.  language barriers that force me to be creative & work at communicating. showers. Ukrainian ice cream comrade's journal// ( Kyev) 

God i don't really know what i'm doing. i don't think i'm the right person for this place | this time | these people. i can think of others--specifically two right now--that would be a much better fit. (i think). so i'm a little confused...it causes me to stop and think "oh no what if i'm not supposed to be doing this? what if i'm wrong?" and i can't. can't waste time, can't allow doubt or fear into my mind. God you HAVE to be sending me or else i'm not going to make it... i believe You are. but maybe i'm just scared. ouch. i'm not sure i'm down for this, i feel like i'm going to be stretched & probably broken a bit. right now i'm craving comfort and safety. like staying home is akin to crawling into my nice warm bed and snuggling under the covers... but that's not the life i want to lead. or being comfortable won't lead to the life i want. comfort won't ultimately see Your glory unfold...

I've been freaking about this day, dreading it. never dreaded June 10 before now. not sure why this year i was. maybe cause I'm not mature enough, I'm not where I wanted to be spiritually--have I been lazy this past year even more than I thought? have I just wasted 365 days of my life? I'm not where I saw myself in life--but I've always tried to follow God. this can't have been His plan! but today I set all those questions aside & just lived it. I know God's hand is upon me. I know that for all my wandering, I sought Him in every big life decision--sometimes I fought His leading but there has never been one He let me go my own way. He always wins those battles! He never left me. even when I have tried to run, He never let me go. so here I am. it is what it is. I'm here, there's nothing I can change about it. people may judge & think whatever they want too; but my heart knows I've tried to walk Gods path for me faithfully. failed in alot o...

I found the following reposted on a tmblr I check often called bloom. I don't know the original author (A tmblr called heartbeat-of-a-twentysomething ?) but wanted to share it. bc it's really good, & it's a place I've been before. it's a place I'm entering again...I need Jesus with me. I always do, but lately I've been livin as if I don't. I forgot that one needs Christ in ALL seasons. even here. here in the in-between of seasons without any high or low. & I think. my denial of need, my desperately wanting to be *not* wanting of anything, (ha.ha. im ridiculous no?) my "if i pretend im great maybe i will be"...this has caused me to live in the flatland of just getting by. merely existing. so if you know me, I need help. I need people asking me if I'm fighting or just standing. ask me where my sword is. ask me if I'm inviting God to be _here_ in my life as is. cause i use to live like this girl does. I've been at the ...