threatened } much

 "my heart, is my keep; and you are threatening me...oh myyy you're the one, I've been holding out for; for so damn long..." (empires// jukebox the ghost)

oh Ukraine.
i don't understand. i don't know what to think about you. logic cannot explain how i feel, or even what i think. i'm not sure what i truly think --haven't made time to *really* sort it out. i'm scared.
why this crazy magnetic pull? even with your harsh abrasiveness, coldness, the vast depth of language/thought pattern barrier, the ways you make my strengths look disadvantageous & don't value some of the deepest things God created in me; i adore you. there are ways you hurt me. but it drives me to Jesus. oh you make me laugh! my lack of ability to cross those culture walls? at times frustrating as hell. but it drives me to honest self-assessment of what is truly good vs desired, what is biblical vs cultural. you're not easy to love, but i never have been either. and how freely you make me sing! i know that you can cause pain in ways i'm not even aware of. i know i barely understand you. i know you'll never get my cowboy boots. or why I need self-sufficient, capable hands. but still. despite every obstacle i think up, i can't help being drawn to you. can't help thinking you're especially beautiful. i see such richness, depth, resilience, color, simplicity... hope even, born from your suffering. 

do you know the only way to describe this is falling in love? the only thing that could get my mind so poetic & my heart so steady seems like it should be falling in love. its bizarre...yet. i know of nothing else to relate it too...i think maybe you could draw the music of my heart out like nothing has before, except Christ & the ocean.
my heart's love is akin to my ocean love...i fall in love like i swim. {slowly, then all at once} as soon as i let my skin touch the water we both know i'll end up way way out, deep, over my head. but i take my time. watchers might think me undecided. i go slow. content to let waves lap my feet, stopping to stand every so many steps. but then i reach a point where i decide--lets prove i'm all in, go-for-broke and boom!! i dive-run-swim fast as I can. & suddenly i'm all under. surprises me every time how far i go, even though i see it coming. 

so um explain this: how does one fall in love with a country, exactly? is it the culture? or the land or the people? in this case it's probably the work. & the orphans & HFO team. but. there are orphans & dedicated Jesus-lovers in other places. i have potentially open doors to missions in other countries. doors easier to walk through, less costly. even ministering to abused woman through dance--uniting 2 things I'm passionate about! but strangely i don't care. i just want to do whatever i can in Ukraine, for Ukrainian orphans & children. for the Ukrainian church--how i long to be grace to you! there's long-term potential here too. but is it God? i can't go there yet. i haven't made the mental dive. i'm afraid it will end; yet equally afraid it's long term. 

I don't do falling in love very well. just FYI.
of all the loves my heart has (there are many kinds)
that love scares me. 
cause it takes me far far longer to stop & climb back out. i love too fiercely, it's the slowest hell. oh Ukraine how you threaten me.
thank You Jesus for holding my future, and my heart. turn both wherever You will.


Abi said...

Oh woman. Your words knock the wind out of me. It's scary and amazing that you write in exact words the vague moanings of my soul... and it's your soul too. I had no idea that was possible.

damaris said...

wow, I had no idea either! I just started writing cause I couldn't sleep and it was as if I didn't understand myself til as I was writing.

I have no idea what God is up too with either of us but I trust it will be better than we expect.