i want to *really* be in love with Jesus. i want to rejoice in Who He is. i want to be satisfied & delighted in Him. i used to actually rejoice in moments when choosing Him wasn't easy, because then i knew it was real. moments when i saw clearly that my seemingly insignificant actions were choosing who's opinions mattered the most to me, it wasn't easy and i lost sometimes. but it was...alive. it was the sacrifices, joys ins and outs of love.
well. you can't force love. but the best way to make room for it & invite it? sharing time//space. know them. for me, its in the littlest things. its seeing the heart & soul of a person as they interact with others. its all the unconscious movements & choices & themness. at least for me. how can i do that with God? i can't see Him. but i can read His letters over n over, i can see His glory reflected in creation, & His nature in people.
anyway. screw my feelings. i don't "feel" very in love? well. if that's not the ultimate answer for human relationships why am i making it that way with God's? didn't He create this heart? and oh, how i am convinced of His never-giving up love for me. which means He's not going to let me ever grow truly cold. He has my heart fully. & He'll warm my feelings to flames again. the spark is there, & the fire burns ever so small...i want to start reciting Who He is to myself. instead of analytically thinking.
this might be the worst post i've ever written. oh well. just needed a little puke sesh.