4.16.2013

//unloading//


i am not enough.

i am (fragile) and breaking, my heart is bleeding through. the blood dripped slowly yesterday, just a few spots. but it grows more, and tonight is coloured crimson. i feel like all i do is colored by the stream pouring forth with every beat. how can i focus on graphing? life is so much greater, heavier than school. yet at school nobody noticed. somehow, keeping my thoughts locked in a box mentally has been working. my heart refuses to seal itself but even i failed to notice when the drops became streams. i've been able to compartmentalize. its how i functioned today. i used to go whole days, weeks like this. i locked hurts from my teen years up so tight they didn't see the light of day until i was 22 and a very brave foolish boy insisted on dragging them into the light. cause somehow he knew those sealed boxes were the reason my heart was sealed shut. dead. dusty. cold.

i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to bury, shut down, not feel and destroy my heart again.
but 
i have to function. i cannot just stop living because i hear heart-wrenching news about someone i haven't seen in a year. i can't take the time to let myself cycle through the anger and forgiveness and the where are you God? process. how am i supposed to live? half living. i can't change my heart-it feels or it dies. how terribly inconvenient. how i hate most of all my heart's behavior! i've tried to deny who i am. i've tried to not think so much, not feel so deeply. but God's given me an incredibly supernatural ability to love, to put myself in another's shoes, to feel what they feel. it seems this is the flip side of that gift. tends to lead to me feeling & hurting an awful lot...i probably shouldn't fight it. probably should just let Him grow & mature this gift and hope that leads to easierness? at least less intensity...

well. here it is 11:46pm and due to technology's failure, i have 4 math lab lessons + an online test due in 12 hours. in 5.5 my day begins with coffee and stars over the highway.
but the thoughts i wasn't going to deal with are moving so violently. the box is ripping at the seams, and my heart stains everything around me. so here i am writing this out, praying for children who are no longer innocent and admitting i'm not a stone. this girl ain't strong. she's not untouchable. my heart hurts for the people of boston. but oh it was already rent for people i know. for faces, names. God what am i supposed to do?

i want to smash something. i want to scream at evil and go into the ring against it and settle this war once and for all. give me a bat or a sword or my own two fists. i'd rather be taken out now, go down fighting and get a few good solid hits in than keep dragging this out. this heartwrenching dance with evil & hope, light & dark, prince of lies & ever so mightier King of truth.
i don't understand why we wait.
i don't understand how ashes lead to new birth, new life.
i don't know how to hope when some stories don't end with miracles.
i'm afraid. afraid to have faith.

its too soon i can't make that leap. i can't even see. i'm still stuck on oh God why. oh God why did you not rescue them sooner? but i have too. if i want to be God's feet, hands, heart; if i want to see the maybe miracles i have to say "Your ways are good & higher, Your ways are soveriegn." and leave it at that. click off further thought. change to hear and now. do well in school. frustratingly stupid as it seems...i HAVE to think clearly. i have to focus. i can't throw away all the hard work of this semester just because my pathetically soft heart is strangled.

oh. 
the Cross.
how quickly i forget.
how it changes everything.
He bled... heart-mind-body scarlet through and through. He made miracles real. He heals with His own wounds. the King of Glory has a physical body. He was permanently changed by His love for sinners. 
Oh, Your Cross, how it changes everything!

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