4.24.2013

questions

dear child,
I have an awful lot of questions. that I can't answer...maybe you can, but would you? i don't even know if you *can* give me a real answer. nobody else seems to have asked & i feel like if you'd thought of them, i wouldn't see so much shadow & confusion in your face.
if I could...
where is your heart?
what are you thinking? i can't change it & I'm not gonna try. I just want to understand your thought process.
what do you want?
who are you?
no really. what do you define yourself as, & by? what do you |want| to define you? (because what we want to, & what actually does; sometimes differ) {who} defines you? whose approval matters the most, and why is it so dear to you?

_why are your eyes hollow_

why is your spirit defeated & stifled? why are you...lost?

baby why oh why would you walk into darkness when you've fought so hard, when Christ suffered so much? can you forget the to sacrifices, both yours & His? the blood sweat & miracles that gave you life? why this dancing on the edge of scars waiting to be formed, of hardships you don't have to walk through, of doors that yes & amen you will be rescued from but which can still give ammo to your enemy long after Christ's healing freeing redemption?

do you not see that you hold are manacles? do you not remember how fiercely you regretted the bruises they left? did you catch these chains when they were broken, afraid to truly let them fall & shatter? or did you pick them up again? have you been holding them this whole time? did you never walk into your freedom? did somebody slip them to you pretending they were treasures?

please. don't hold them anymore love. don't let your heart keep suffocating.
can I give you tinder? my own heart is barely a flame. I'm sorry. sorry that I too have danced in this wilderness with these shadows, sorry my own heart is just beginning to recover & burn again. I don't have any fire to warm you with...but I can you give a spark.

is there any way. to wake up the heart that's dead& buried under layers of tough, harsh, fake bravado & denial? I've been there, I recognize it. do you?

I wish. you would listen. I asked myself these questions last year, fueled by a probing friend. God saved my life through the agonizing process of answering w/ brutal open honesty. it took time. it hurt--oh did it sting! but it was my salvation. it became the most beautiful fearless exuberant season. & I wish you could see thats my heart for you. i want you to finally, fully surrender. to stop trying so hard, & find the stability of accepting who you are in Christ. to see it as it is: beautiful. whole. strong. capable. humbly obedient--&therefore powerful. free. I wish you could catch a glimpse of the joy, delight, peace, steadfastness, clarity of vision, passion & infinite hope of glory that God wants for you. I wish you could see His burning heart for you. that bleeds when yours does.

(d)

1 comment:

Abi said...

Praying with you.