wild melody

I love traveling by myself. I mean, I love traveling period! :) don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of the bonding & camaraderie that develops en route to another country with teammates. (Short group flights are just boring, lets road trip those instead) when you've got multiple airports & a bunch of exhausted excited people it's hilarity waiting to happen! you also get to see how folks respond in tense or high stress situations when they're tired. good things to know pre-mission haha. so that's prob second fave flying... flying solo. there's a sense of freedom, possibility & adventure when one is alone that isn't there any other time. it's my favorite! I love watching people & creating stories from clues about where they're going. I love one-time conversations with strangers about where they are from/going & why. I thank God for Starbucks, wifi & books. speaking of...the guy in the last plane was reading a book called crea...

dear child, I have an awful lot of questions. that I can't answer...maybe you can, but would you? i don't even know if you *can* give me a real answer. nobody else seems to have asked & i feel like if you'd thought of them, i wouldn't see so much shadow & confusion in your face. if I could... where is your heart? what are you thinking? i can't change it & I'm not gonna try. I just want to understand your thought process. what do you want? who are you? no really. what do you define yourself as, & by? what do you |want| to define you? (because what we want to, & what actually does; sometimes differ) {who} defines you? whose approval matters the most, and why is it so dear to you? _why are your eyes hollow_ why is your spirit defeated & stifled? why are you...lost? baby why oh why would you walk into darkness when you've fought so hard, when Christ suffered so much? can you forget the to sacrifices, both yours & His? the...

                                                                    hello, my old heart                                                                    how have you been?  are you still there inside my chest?  I've been so worried  you've been so still  barely beating at all  oh, don't leave me here alone  don't tell me that we've grown for having loved a little while  oh, I don't want to be alone  I want to find a home and I want to share it with you  hello, my old heart  it's been so long  since I've given you away  and every day I add another stone  ...

i don't know the context of this. but i feel like my intellectual logical mind and my burning feeling passionate heart would rip myself to shreds if i had not Christ to keep me. to give perspective. so when i saw this i had to steal it. cause yeah. its me. people tend to think i'm a lil radical & free spirit & crazy & really, is life so very important? but there's no lie in my fire. i actually do think & feel that the beautiful things make my heart sing. & the horrible things make me lose oxygen. that's all. don't you love how i destroyed a lovely quote by explaining it to pieces? damn mind.

i am not enough. i am (fragile) and breaking, my heart is bleeding through. the blood dripped slowly yesterday, just a few spots. but it grows more, and tonight is coloured crimson. i feel like all i do is colored by the stream pouring forth with every beat. how can i focus on graphing? life is so much greater, heavier than school. yet at school nobody noticed. somehow, keeping my thoughts locked in a box mentally has been working. my heart refuses to seal itself but even i failed to notice when the drops became streams. i've been able to compartmentalize. its how i functioned today. i used to go whole days, weeks like this. i locked hurts from my teen years up so tight they didn't see the light of day until i was 22 and a very brave foolish boy insisted on dragging them into the light. cause somehow he knew those sealed boxes were the reason my heart was sealed shut. dead. dusty. cold. i don't want to go back to that. i don't want to bury, shut down, not f...

i want to *really* be in love with Jesus. i want to rejoice in Who He is. i want to be satisfied & delighted in Him. i used to actually rejoice in moments when choosing Him wasn't easy, because then i knew it was real. moments when i saw clearly that my seemingly insignificant actions were choosing who's opinions mattered the most to me, it wasn't easy and i lost sometimes. but it was...alive. it was the sacrifices, joys ins and outs of love. well. you can't force love. but the best way to make room for it & invite it? sharing time//space. know them. for me, its in the littlest things. its seeing the heart & soul of a person as they interact with others. its all the unconscious movements & choices & themness. at least for me. how can i do that with God? i can't see Him. but i can read His letters over n over, i can see His glory reflected in creation, & His nature in people. anyway. screw my feelings. i don't "feel" very in ...