wild melody

since i have the intention of doing many more trips like ukraine in the future, and people always want to hear about stories/pictures etc. i made a blog for them. i'll be doing my ukraine posts over there: goingforlove.blogspot.com for now there's a slideshow over there. because my heart needs this space to be free and vent and exhale. and i can't do that if i keep feeling i need to write about ukraine. and also i can't really be sending ok i don't *want* to be sending many people to this spot. ((this is where my heart in all its rawness is free to explode with no fear or worry of judgement or assessment. as much as humanly possible i write here as if nobody ever reads it. thanks to the few who do, and still love me! haha. but seriously. everybody needs a _space_ to be freee from feeling [boxed] into society expectations. or church expectations. or conformity in general. just sayin'. rant over.))

He took the twelve aside . . . -Luke 18:31  "Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! Do you say, "But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value"? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve . But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him "to Jerusalem" ( Luke 18:31 ). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you . We tend to say that because a person has natural ability, he will make a good Christian. It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty; not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us ; not a matter of natural virtues, of strength of character, of knowledge, or of experience- all of that is of no avail in this concern. The only thing of value is being taken...

i just read this on my friend laura's blog . sssh. i am stealing her words. this morning i had sunrise at the atlantic. + comrade. to download a bit with somebody who is processing ukraine too in a place where God's glory is so very visually stunning we could not forget about His beauty & goodness & power. the whole drive home, i was thinking. about how God grows me, how i recognize this cycle. amazing experiance-flames-ashes-rebirth. but my attitude wasn't great. i was thinking "God, can this be enough change for the year? can i just curl up in a corner and You can get my heart where & in whatever shape it needs to be? ..." laura convicted me. EXACTLY where my heart is! i didn't know how to put it in words {emphasis mine} And so that's why I refuse to be broken forever.  That's why I refute the lies with the truth.  That's why I stay awake when I want to crawl under the covers.   That's why I welcome in the new even when so...

i know. i'm way behind. i intend to set up a separate blog for my travels, and i'll be posting pictures and ukraine stories there. just trying to get into a rhythm of school + work, with time for fam & Jesus. and the very best friend that is moving away in 6 weeks. i can't process. i just get snatches of time here n there; and i'm already a s-l-o-w processor...tiiiiiiiiime. everything takes time! if i were to try & write bout Ukraine now...it'd be a mess. children, stories, american/ ukrainian teams...the beautiful resilient country with its shattering history and rising from ashes...can't separate things from the effect they wrought in my heart just yet so all that crap would be mixed in... God used Ukraine events to stir up in me and ugliness He revealed in my heart and i know it's to turn it into beauty. but honestly, having a hard time seeing beauty right now. just a season. growing pains. sigh. ((ps. theme song of t...

lost. i feel lost. here i sit in my room, a different girl then the one who left 3 weeks ago for Ukraine. (3 weeks? are we sure it wasn't 3 months, or years even? did we really only do 2 orphan camps?) i want to burn the furniture, tear everything off my door & rebuild from scratch. i missed my beautiful family but i was not ready to leave...was i really walking the streets of Kyiv just  27 hrs ago? i have seen so much . i've been punched, smacked, loved, bruised, hugged, bitten, kissed, tackled, peed on, adored, blessed beyond measure. i've been heartwrenched, ecstatic, humbled, scared, used by God, convicted, challenged, blessed, confused, broken. i've seen inhuman treatment of children that i cannot comprehend. i've seen some of the most beautiful hearts Jesus ever created in His people & seen Christ shine through them. i've loved freely as God loves through me, and i have held back love i ought to have shared. i've felt the bravery God's...