culture shock verbal puke

lost.
i feel lost.
here i sit in my room, a different girl then the one who left 3 weeks ago for Ukraine. (3 weeks? are we sure it wasn't 3 months, or years even? did we really only do 2 orphan camps?) i want to burn the furniture, tear everything off my door & rebuild from scratch. i missed my beautiful family but i was not ready to leave...was i really walking the streets of Kyiv just  27 hrs ago? i have seen so much. i've been punched, smacked, loved, bruised, hugged, bitten, kissed, tackled, peed on, adored, blessed beyond measure. i've been heartwrenched, ecstatic, humbled, scared, used by God, convicted, challenged, blessed, confused, broken. i've seen inhuman treatment of children that i cannot comprehend. i've seen some of the most beautiful hearts Jesus ever created in His people & seen Christ shine through them. i've loved freely as God loves through me, and i have held back love i ought to have shared. i've felt the bravery God's spirit brings when one steps out in faith. i feel regret. i've looked an enemy in the face and backed down, i ran when i should have fought, i let fear rule when i had God's strength, i have been unusable because of pride. i have been more concerned with man's opinion than God's. i am spent // but i wish i were more spent. i cannot sleep. even though i spent 19 hrs in travel and slept very little the last 8 days. my body says it is 10.30am not 3.39am. i don't know why i cannot jump into home so easily as i jump into mission. the physical time change adjustment is symbolic of my heart and mind--adapting when going is faster, easier than coming back. it's like trying to put on the wrong size clothes. trying to step into an old life where everything has changed and moved while you were changing in a completely different direction some 5,000 miles away. how am i ever supposed to explain those 3 weeks? so many names, faces, stories. so many bruised hearts & bruised bodies & pain; yet also hope & joy & a handful of Ukrainian believers whose hearts for Jesus & selfless love for children won my heart's admiration. i literally drove across the entire country. from sweating every waking/sleeping second on the Russian border during camp 1; a nice apt in the city for 2 days to rest; then freezing in the Carpathian mountains close to Poland for camp 2. so much that even i don't understand. its impossible to translate, lest they actually experience it. so much i have not words for. yet how can my friends and family understand who i am lest i try?

i feel so out of touch from daily life here. i was the farthest outside my emotional & spiritual comfort zone i have ever been. i saw things that i still don't know how to process, things i don't know how to reconcile to scripture. how does one come back from that?!
there was football playing in the atlanta airport. i thought it was 5am and tried to order breakfast at 10pm. what happened to the olympics? its football season? i can't stand to think about football. there's food, ice, cold coffee & gasoline available everywhere. post-its all over my background from joe made my heart squeeze. i am so loved, and i have done NOTHING to deserve it. america, i love my country but oh it overwhelms me. how does one stand facebook? texting, what's texting? i have clean water that i don't have to ration out? available any time day or night? joe might go to UF? my mum & 2 siblings just got back from seeing my virginia fam and i didn't even know. i don't think my dad has a real job yet, i don't know what jobs i have. i have math class at 9am tom. wait what? how am i supposed to care about school? i don't have books. i don't really care.
i had my first hot shower in 8 days, and all i can think about is one of my ukranian teammates who hasn't had hot water in her house for 2 months. i can't stand how many clothes i have, i wish i'd taken more so i could have given more. i'm still selfish & greedy enough to almost miss my favorite blue addidas shorts and that sickens me. i'm disgusting.
i am so self-centered.
so american, in the bad ways.
so wasteful of my blessings.
so unloving. so greedy and selfish and sick.
i need a Savior.
i need Jesus just as much as the orphan kids. i AM an orphan kid, a wild gypsie one. who doesn't shower and turns up my nose at clean clothes; who hits, scratches, slaps; and then comes back desperate for loving attention. i just feel so... lost. and all the emotions that i couldn't find expression for during the camps and the days in kiev are enveloping me, swallowing me, getting tangled in thier desperation for freedom.

Jesus help.
{{Jesus, i need sleep. i need tears, i need to release all the pent up aching. i saw beauty, i saw You. i am more grateful than i can say for You sending me. but my heart physically hurts. for Vova who sobbed when i left, for Marta of the lifeless empty eyes, for inexplicable Nastia, for Tarras, for the kids from camp 1 they took away, for sweet Viktor & "malai" Sasha & smart Sasha & angry Vanya. for Karina who wanted God to live in her heart, for Ivan that said he knew Jesus, for Natasha who was so sweet but not read, for my precious joyful one-armed little boy whose name I never understood, for Misha & Ura & Svete & Masha &Marina & Katia. Jesus hold these children. Meet them, Father them, save every one. Water the seeds, protect them from the enemy, break the grip of satan where lives are so bound to his destructive lies. Somehow, someway, be Victorious. Be the Warrior King. Give them hope! Prove Yourself faithful & create a harvest from orphan kids that will grow into a mighty redemptive force in Ukraine. Give Jekka & his team rest joy provision. Keep their hearts burning with Your vision. help me. help me live here fully. show me what to do next. do not forsake me? lead me back to You, use Your rod & staff to bring me into closer step with You. help me know what to share, give those closest to me understanding into my heart. oh Father, thank you for forgiving my failures. thank You for washing away my grossest sins. Thank you for answering my prayers for a repentant heart, for a broken heart that has not the worldy grief of emotion but grief that leads to repentance. please work that out as change in me?}}

*(i will write about the kids & camps & adventures in the beautiful rebuilding country of Ukraine when i can)