wild melody

i want to be like hann ah from 1 sa muel . she was honest . she poured out her heart to the Lord. with all the emotions she felt. she didn't minimize the negative effect/appearance of her circumstances, she didn't try to put on a brave face, she didn't say "i know i shouldn't but i feel this way...". she just was transparent, honest, feeling, human. "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly." (1.10) she was transparent with others . when eli rebukes her for what he assumes as drunkenness, she doesn't ignore him. doesn't say "i'm not drunk just praying" or "i'm fine". she doesn't pretend everything's alright. "But Hannah answered, "No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great an...

*confession: i adore matt redman. i just feel like he gets it. gets it as in, i feel like he loves Jesus above all. i feel like that has been tested by fire, and he writes out of his heart. doesn't mean i like all of his songs. & dang his old stuff is musically cheesy! but over the years God has used his songs to nail me. comfort me. and wage war. a matt throwback: "You made me fruitful in the land of my suffering Father, You made me hopeful in a place of no hope, poured oil of gladness on the wounds of my struggling and You poured oil of healing on the depths of my soul. When i needed a savior, You were there..." ( when i needed a savior ) and now tonight, i'm singing this truth to myself: " kneeling on this battle ground seeing just how much You've done knowing every victory is Your power in us scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say NEVER ONCE did we EVER walk alone carried by Your constant grace held within Your perfect peace ne...

I am my Beloved's, and He is mine. My God is jealous for me. He wants me. Not just my intellect, not my head, not just my emotions or heart. All of the above, everything, will-feelings-self. the whole ALL of me. He doesn't have any need of me. He doesn't have to have me. I need Him, desperately; yet I try to run. I don't always want Him. I need Him more than I need anything else, but my desire for Him is faithless and changing as the tides. But He? He wants me. He doesn't need me. His desire for me is faithful, steady. Jealous. He will have me, and He will let nothing separate us. Astounding. and today, oh HOW He loves me! it's incredible that God will meet just with me. i worship a God who meets with a young girl in her bedroom on her face. no fanfare, no human mediator. no distractions, just my God and i. He wanted to set me free. to tell me He approves of me. i am his daughter, his workmanship. words fail to express just how overwhelming, inte...

"Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth? Shall I, who cause to bring forth shut the womb? says your God." Isaiah 66.9 "... I was expecting the labor pains to end in a miscarriage. But God uses our pain to create life, not death!" my friend's words cut me to the heart yesterday. how true of my own soul! i'm afraid God isn't doing a good work. i believe lies. i've been fighting His loving hands, b/c I don't expect good fruit. i don't consider them labor pains bringing new life forth. i consider them pointless, i'm waiting for death. i don't want to be okay with being broken, i don't want to roll with the punches. i fight them, i try to fix myself as soon as i possibly can. yet. somehow, by His amazing grace. He has planted hope in my doubting soil. He has answered my daily prayer of "Lord, HELP my unbelief!" i do truly believe He's going to heal me, completely. i don't believe my scars are...

i have this friend...she brought me a mason jar of yellow tulips today. (smile) just cause she understands the fight to wear yellow & not grey. she wrote a note that nailed me, convicted me, and gave me hope. it meant the world to me. and it wasn't at all practical or convenient--she drove 35 miles out of her way, just to show me love. just to remind me God is greater than my hurt. just to say, "i know you're heart's been taking a brutal beating, but you're not alone in this fight, & it's worth it, so don't give up. deliverance is coming!" ah wow. undeserving me! abi gives me a reason to believe in God's goodness. she LOVES Jesus & pursues Him no matter what. she has a hard time saying the words "i" & "love"; which is funny b/c dang, she says it without words far better than almost anybody i know! she has a talent for writing. a magic with words. she's astounding. oh, did i mention she's one of my chi...

i am fragile. i am tired. i am aching. {i feel defeated} i am fragile, physically & emotionally. (i've become aware of the latter just recently) i am tired, cause i feel hard pressed on every side. (nowhere near to the extent of Paul!! but see above. i am not paul.) i am aching, b/c i am still learning Jesus' way in loving others. in being vulnerable. i hurt b/c i sin, b/c others sin, b/c healing is painful. {my feelings don't define truth. or me} but in Christ: OH Christ, how sweet the Name! in Christ, my fragility forces me to lean into His strength. in Christ, my exhaustion makes every victory HIS; not mine. in Christ, my wounds give me compassion for others. push me into His arms. & are healed!! {in Christ, i will never be ultimately defeated} kicker: i have to fight to get to Christ. i have to fight for joy. to believe in hope, light, grace. i have to battle what my eyes have seen, the warnings of my head, past experiences with their bitter taste of disappoint...

um, why yes, i'd love one of my walls to be covered in the book peter pan, thank you very much... www.spinelessclassics.com