rawness (on the subjects of pain, Jesus' rich love, &fragility)

i am fragile.
i am tired.
i am aching.
{i feel defeated}

i am fragile, physically & emotionally. (i've become aware of the latter just recently)
i am tired, cause i feel hard pressed on every side. (nowhere near to the extent of Paul!! but see above. i am not paul.)
i am aching, b/c i am still learning Jesus' way in loving others. in being vulnerable. i hurt b/c i sin, b/c others sin, b/c healing is painful.
{my feelings don't define truth. or me}

but in Christ: OH Christ, how sweet the Name!
in Christ, my fragility forces me to lean into His strength.
in Christ, my exhaustion makes every victory HIS; not mine.
in Christ, my wounds give me compassion for others. push me into His arms. & are healed!!
{in Christ, i will never be ultimately defeated}

kicker: i have to fight to get to Christ. i have to fight for joy. to believe in hope, light, grace. i have to battle what my eyes have seen, the warnings of my head, past experiences with their bitter taste of disappointed hopes still lingering in my mouth. i have to fight for His perspective when i am blind. He is there, always. but i stubbornly have to fight to keep my eyes open.

lately i haven't been fighting. because sometimes i don't want to. sometimes i believe the lie that i'm alone in the battle. the lie that fighting is more painful than being whatever i feel or think to be true. sometimes, i feel the darkness is going to win. sometimes i feel everything in me is going to collapse in battling it and all the hard effort will be wasted. sometimes i inform the Creator of the Universe that i'm done. that i'm not going to fight until i see something to hope for...as if He had not given me the surest most lovliest of hopes!! He saved me from myself!! my sin separated me from Him-- He gave His Son to give me LOVE! to give me the most delightful satisfying relationship i could possibly know. that of His friendship. yet. i act as if He is not the sweetest most beautiful treasure. as if it's my right to choose to fight or not; when rather its the kindest undeserved mercy, that i am free too! well. look who has a new, shining sword in her hands...and look Who has His hands over hers, guiding, strengthening, comforting.

oh foolish child.
oh gracious Father!

Father. forgive me. i don't want to fight tonight. i just want to let hurt swallow me, i want to give up. part of me wants to say "one ray of hope, one night of peace, one glimpse of something lovely. then cruelly you let satan at me again. you let the darkness of the past threaten to kill that vision. so soon. why? why test me on the joy, peace, love you spoke to my heart this morning so soon? it's been less than 24 hours!" what blasphemous, untrue, evil words! that is NOT the character of my God! oh what faithlessness, that i would entertain them. forgive me for emotionally controlled, evil thoughts Father!! ah, but. only *part* of me. is that not evidence that You save me continually? that this mornings promises were true? is it not true, that underneath all this there is a peace i've been lacking? thank You, for being my anchor. thank Your for allowing me to feel & see the strong scarlet cord that ties me to You. How are You so good. You are far more precious to me than anything else. So much evidence of Your mercy...i didn't cry all the way home, b/c the little sparks of joy you put in me are rooted in YOU. not a state of mind, not circumstances, not relationships. How sweet that is! i am determined to keep the joy You've given me. haha. Oh Jesus, we both know. without Your intercession this moment. i would be in a crumpled heap of bleeding heartness on my floor, angry at myself for feeling, swearing to lock my heart up if it's going to be so pathetically easy to cut. but i'm not. i sit here upright. in calmness of mind. slightly bleeding, but slightly smiling. mostly singing! of how beautiful Your constancy is to me. How beautiful Your grace for my many sins. How astounding is Your forgiveness. Yes Lord, I will fight. You have given me a taste of freedom & light. if You are with me, i will let nothing take that from me. nothing, no one.
You are my treasure. You are all i need. i HAVE you!!

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