beloved. HE is jealous for (me)

I am my Beloved's, and He is mine.

My God is jealous for me.

He wants me. Not just my intellect, not my head, not just my emotions or heart. All of the above, everything, will-feelings-self. the whole ALL of me. He doesn't have any need of me. He doesn't have to have me. I need Him, desperately; yet I try to run. I don't always want Him. I need Him more than I need anything else, but my desire for Him is faithless and changing as the tides. But He? He wants me. He doesn't need me. His desire for me is faithful, steady. Jealous. He will have me, and He will let nothing separate us.

Astounding.

and today, oh HOW He loves me! it's incredible that God will meet just with me. i worship a God who meets with a young girl in her bedroom on her face. no fanfare, no human mediator. no distractions, just my God and i. He wanted to set me free. to tell me He approves of me. i am his daughter, his workmanship. words fail to express just how overwhelming, intense, insane to my logic His love is for me. there is NO reason HE should care for me!!!! but He does! i read the greatest surety of this Love, the story of His death & resurrection for me and then a spurgeon sermon titled "Oh, How He Loves" and the following words from it do some justice to the thoughts of my undeserving overwhelmed little heart:

"Many days have passed since then, and I asked you now to recollect what Christ has done to us since we first trusted in him. Has his love for you cooled in the slightest degree? We have all of us tried that love by our wondering and waywardness, but we have not quenched it, and its fire still burns just as vehemently as at the first. We have, sometimes, fallen so low that our hearts have been like adamant, incapable of emotion; yet Jesus has loved us all the while, and softened our hard hearts as the glorious sun melts the icebergs of the sea. We were like the insensible grass which calls not for the dew, yet the dew of his love gently fell upon us; and though we had not sought it, our heart was refreshed by it. Our Lord has indeed proved how he loved us by the gracious way in which he has borne with our many provocations; and think too, beloved, with what gifts he has enriched us, with what comforts he has sustained us, with what divine energy he has renewed our failing strength, and with what blessed guidance he has led and is still leading us! Take thy pencil and paper, and try to set down in figures or in words thy total indebtedness to his love; where wilt thou begin, and when thou hast begun, where wilt thou finish? If thou wert to record only one out of a million of his love-gifts to thee, would the whole world be able to contain the books that might be written concerning them? No; all thou canst say is, "Behold how he has loved us!"