i want to be like hannah from 1 samuel.
she was honest. she poured out her heart to the Lord. with all the emotions she felt. she didn't minimize the negative effect/appearance of her circumstances, she didn't try to put on a brave face, she didn't say "i know i shouldn't but i feel this way...". she just was transparent, honest, feeling, human. "She was deeply distressed and prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly." (1.10)

she was transparent with others. when eli rebukes her for what he assumes as drunkenness, she doesn't ignore him. doesn't say "i'm not drunk just praying" or "i'm fine". she doesn't pretend everything's alright. "But Hannah answered, "No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation." (v15-16)

she casts her cares on God. and she leaves them there. she doesn't try to fix herself. she says alright Lord, here is my heart,here are my desires, You have them. then she seems to walk away unburdened and rejoicing in her God. "Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad." (18)

she prayed with open hands. granted, her desire was just to have a child. she probably didn't have to keep him in order for the social stigma of "barren woman" to be removed. but in a time where women's lives were only valued for work and pleasing their husbands, having a child to raise seems like it would be something to look forward to. a task to take pride in when your worth was considered less than a man's. then take into account natural maternal instinct and love for your own...therefore i believe hannah's vow shows an open hand. willingness to give God everything. "And she said, "Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord. For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord." (26-28)

^^^none of those things could be said about me. not consistently. by the gracious work of God, i can say i have experianced each one. there have been times i've walked away off the dock gloriously free! feeling the joy of a God who takes detailed care of me. Who is big enough to deal with my seemingly intense issues. (that really aren't) but? far too often i walk away still thinking. still carrying too much on my tiny shoulders, still playing God. or i take them back, one by one throughout the day.

{{Change me, Lord! i cannot keep this up. i am too tired to walk, i stagger under burdens i was never intended to hold. take them. take my fears, doubts, practical plans to fulfill my needs. take the burdens i carry for others, the desires to heal, cleanse, redeem, cause fruit to come forth. ONLY YOU can do those works! and You cannot use me as a tool, when i am trying to be the One working. forgive my arrogance. Jesus, breathe grace on me. breathe rest, restore me to joy, freedom, total reliance upon You. Your shoulders are broad, and Your heart is loving.
thank you.}}

1 comment:

Abi said...

It's so easy to pray for you. I just pray for what I'm struggling with because we are so often in the same place! Phil. 4, I know you know it well, praying it transfers from our heads to our hearts!