sitting outside on the back deck. hey Lord, i need You. quiet desperation-the peaceful but no less intense kind. NEED You to be with me. go with me? You have emptied me & its good b.c all i was filled with was pride&me&trying to fix things i can't. but now i, i have nothing. i cannot love serve give be Your hands&feet&heart lest You put some Spirit in this empty vessel. ukraine. thoughts of orphans & already wanting to bring one home. home-thoughts of starting anew & school & change & actually taking steps toward what i've thought-known-believed i'd spend my life doing since i was 8-9-10 (?) Your daughter is really small. o Rescuer, please see me, slammed over n over against the spiritual wall. i've been trying to rest in You but it's been a beating week. i'm overwhelmed undone too small. for all of this. fresh water dripping from the sky. salt water sliding down my face, mingling with the dampish-becoming-drenchish fabric of my dress.
inside, trying to sneak downstairs before mum notices the sloshed footprints on wood.
brother's room is open.
the acoustic guitar is having surgery. the one that is a lil banged, with strings too used & worn to hold thier tune. he doesn't play acoustic right now, all his songs for summer band camp are electric.
but there is the floor, holding strings& bolts & a bent blondish head.
my heart aches. in a good way, the way it does when love breaks in. (ok maybe i'm the only person that gets good hurt in my heart but i'm strange. my heart is certainly unique in its behavior)
robin hood is re-stringing his guitar, patiently tuning the new strings. spending time out of his sunday afternoon
i'm the only one that uses the acoustic right now. and i don't even do a good job of it, but it helps me fight for joy. when i don't have words to pray or the strength or desire to read the Word. i pretty much always have the desire to work on my chording and callousing. i always end up with joy & gratitude in my heart. singing routs demons. playing, even without singing, is a pretty decent weapon that brings stillness and peace.
new strings make life beautiful. new strings say, i know sometimes your smiles are hard-won, i know sometimes you still have rough days and i know you're a little battle-weary so i'm in the fight with you.
new strings are love. better than words.